An Open Letter to Colin Kaepernick
Dear Colin,
Who are your favorite Transformers? My favorite as a kid was probably Jazz, because he had attitude and a good amount of sass. I also liked Soundwave. Mirage was a race car that could turn invisible. He was an Autobot, but seemed extremely xenophobic which I thought was interesting. I was also very partial to the Transformers that could combine with other similarly themed Transformers to make a big Transformer, like the Predacons, the Constructicons, the Aerial Bots, the Stunticons, and so many more. Blitzwing was an intersting guy too. He was a Decepticon (those are the bad Transformers, Colin) who could transform both into a tank and a jet. Fucked up, but true.
I also like the GoBots, who are like Transformers if the Transformers were living paycheck to paycheck. They were the working poor. They make me sad, because they are robots that could never afford to go to a nice place like Target. They are Wal-Mart robots. Still, I did enjoy them, Colin. The GoBots at one point traveled to a world where robots transform into different kinds of rocks to mediate some sort of massive rock robot civil war. Yes, Colin, you read that right. The entire planet is populated by robots that turn into rocks! Still, like men, some rocks are bigger and stronger than others.
When I think of my favorite robots, it’s impossible not to bring up Short Circuit. You were probably a little too young to really appreciate the harebrained antics of Johnny-5, Colin, but you owe it to yourself to give it a chance because it really is one hell of a romp. Steve Gutenberg gives the performance of his life as a homely inventor. Fisher Stevens gives the performance of his life in brown-face. The crazy girl from The Breakfast Club is all grown up and eccentric as hell and she gives the performance of her life. She drives a van. There are four bad robots who were designed for war by tweedy evil men who oversee army laboratories. Watching now, it’s hard to see how any of these robots could be expected to even mildly concern ISIS or Jabhat al-Nusra, but these were simpler times when the only enemies America had were extremely drowsy Soviets straight up running out the clock. Anyway, if you like robots, check it out. One word of caution: there’s no hardcore nasty robot sex. It’s not that sort of movie, but it’s still pretty good.
Colin, a few years ago I thought I was constantly on the verge of a heart attack. My heartbeat was loud. Sometimes limbs would go numb for no discernible reason, or I’d get cold when it was warm. There was a sharp pain that struck me in the back of the neck and nearly brought me low. I used to feel something I can only describe as what I imagine electro-shock therapy in the 1940s felt like nearly every time I was just about to fall asleep. It got so bad that I was scared to take naps, for fear of feeling like I had been struck by lightning in my bed. I used to think a lot about death, Colin. Like, how bizarre it is that you are alive one day and then before that day is over you are dead. You can’t breathe or swim or drink or even have the power to do things like watch hentai with your friends or eat falafels or leave public restrooms looking like Fallujah in 2005. You put on some socks in the morning and then you are dead in the afternoon. I used to think dying was the scariest thing. I was obsessed with death and the idea of being dead, like where my consciousness would drift too and if being dead was just like being asleep but then I’d wake up somewhere beyond what I can at this moment comprehend, like a place that had a completely different set of colors and people communicated with their minds or something. But then I thought, if there was an afterlife, would bugs be there? I just can’t imagine a bug’s soul being treated with that kind of respect, even by the most kind Supreme Being. Anyway, that was awhile ago. Now, I hardly ever think about death. Now, I just think about letting down the people that love me the most. So much worse than death, Kap. At least when you die you are dead and no one can bother you anymore and you can’t disappoint anyone. you care about.
Finally, I was wondering if you had a preference when it comes to super famous Belfast punk bands from the late 70s? Do you prefer Stiff Little Fingers or the Undertones. I prefer Stiff Little Fingers, but I like them both.
your friend,
Alex
