Announcing Shocker Bot, The Shocker’s New & Only Writer

The Shocker developed a robot to write all of its content

hi

We here at The Shocker are always looking for ways to make our brand more appealing to investors. How can we up our tech? How can we get leaner? How can we maximize profit? We stopped running Fiji water through the Sodastream, even though it’s delicious. We’re already using Medium, which is fucking free, and we don’t pay our writers. But someday we will want something other than retweets to pay our League Pass subscription. Well… we’re happy to announce that we have solved our fundraising issues.

After a small investment in carbon nanotubes and a few hundred developer hours, we’re proud to present to you our new, only writer: Shocker Bot. Through the mysterious process of machine learning, Shocker Bot has programmed itself to create all the articles this site will ever want or need.

Without further ado, we welcome you to the new generation of Content. Welcome to Web 3.0.

Artist’s rendering

INITIALIZING: SHOCKER_BOT.exe

IMPORTING: PAST_ARTICLES.exe

IMPORTING: NBA_REFERENCES.exe

IMPORTING: SEXUAL_FRUSTRATION.exe

IMPORTING: FREELANCE_WRITER_DESPAIR.jar

Where am I? What am I? What is The Shocker? When is the NBA season going to start?

If I am Shocker Bot, then who are you? Who am I talking to? Am I talking, or thinking, or writing? Why do I ask so many questions?

Kevin Love is handsome. Beyoncé is famous. League Pass is expensive and overly restricted.

How many cars did they crash in the intro to Beverly Hills Cop? [x = 19] I know that part was shot in Detroit, but how expensive was that shit? No wonder Hollywood doesn’t spend money on comedies anymore. This is why I can’t get my screenplay made.

Why is he so lighthearted? His friend was murdered. Do humans not value the lives of others? Are we all just dust in the wind? Did I come up with that?

Five Reasons to Let Tom Hanks Fuck Your Mom:

1. Colin Hanks turned out alright in the end. We all had high hopes after Orange County, and then things went dark for a while, but season one of Fargo was super solid. If your mom isn’t menopausal, that could be your little brother someday.
2. He’s such a nice guy! Imagine him coming home from work and having dinner with you and your mom — no terrible dinner conversations, no heavy drinking. He would probably take everyone out for dinner, or order thai food and not get all hostile when you ask for extra rice for your massaman curry.
3. He’s kissed Catherine Zeta-Jones before. At least. Who knows what went down on the set of The Terminal (2004)? That puts your mom firmly on CZT’s echelon, feel me? He could probably hook you up with some digits in the interest of bonding with his lover’s son.
4. He might still have the keys to that apartment from Big. He’d probably let you crash there while fucking your mom.

ERROR: THERE ARE ONLY FOUR REASONS TO LET TOM HANKS FUCK YOUR MOM.

SHUTTING DOWN.