Battle of the Boogie: A Ken Burns Documentary
DeMarcus Cousins through the lens of the iconic documentarian
One of the greatest battles in history was waged not in Gettysburg, nor on Endor, but in the little homestead of Sacramento. Haven’t heard of the Battle of the Boogie? Well, you should. Frequent Shocker contributor Ken Burns — yes, the Civil War guy — is working on a 25-part documentary on the subject, but was kind enough to leak us portions of his script. As always, we would appreciate that you do not share this with anyone. This is top-secret, and Ken Burns’s minions will hunt us down if you do.
“Ask not what Boogie can do for you, ask what you can do for your Boogie.” — John Fitzgerald Kennedy
NARRATOR: The year was 2016. Soda pop cost a nickel, Elvis was taking over the airwaves, and a basketball player named DeMarcus Cousins — “Boogie” to his fans — was taking the world by storm with his talent and heart.
DR. JAMES NAISMITH: Everybody loved DeMarcus Cousins, and I do mean everyone. You could not go anywhere without somebody asking about Boogie. “Hey, did you see Boogie’s dunk?” “Hey, did you see Boogie’s block?” “Hey, did you see Boogie cure that young man’s polio?” It was a beautiful time to be alive, as I, Dr. James Naismith, clearly was.
NARRATOR: But not everybody had this “Boogie Fever,” as the press dubbed it. Numerous people — “heathens,” some might call them — were not fans of the Boogie. In fact, many such people went out of their way to anger poor Mr. Cousins during his ascent to greatness.
MOTHER THERESA: I tried to tell them about Boogie. Honestly, I did, but some of these people just would not accept him for what he was.
OFF-CAMERA PRODUCER: …and what was that?
MOTHER THERESA: The motherfucking G.O.A.T.!
VLADIMIR PUTIN: [Petting leopard, scowling] I hate the Boogie. [Spits] Next question.
NARRATOR: Many of these heathens banded together to form an anti-Cousins, anti-fun propaganda paper known as The Sacramento Bee. Their mission: “To destroy DeMarcus Cousins, and everything he stands for.”
“A wretched plague has recently overtaken our country. A plague that threatens to destroy our once-great democracy. A plague that, if it is not stopped, will surely rip apart the fabric of our nation. A plague known to rip families apart and turn once-thriving villages into shapeless piles of ash and memories. That plague … is Boogie Fever.” — Andy Furillo, Sacramento Bee
BARACK OBAMA: I don’t know how that young man put up with the Bee, I really don’t. [Lights cigarette] If I were him, I would’ve snapped a long time before he did, that’s for sure. It seemed like every day that paper would have a new Boogie story. It’s Time to Trade Boogie. Boogie Scowls Too Much. S**t — wait, can I curse? — Shoot! I even remember them comparing him to cancer. Not just in a sports way, but they literally went into medical detail about how this young man was cancer. If he didn’t snap at that, I would have for him.
NARRATOR: It wasn’t easy being DeMarcus Cousins, but those who bought into the propaganda spread by Mr. Furillo and the rest of the heathens at the Sacramento Bee would soon band together, and the Anti-Boogie League, or ABL, was formed.
DONALD TRUMP: The ABL was disgusting. Terrible. I couldn’t believe the hateful things that they would say about — [Putin whispers into Donald’s ear] DeMarcus Cousins? Not a fan. Terrible player. The Bee was right. Next question.
NARRATOR: Eventually, Cousins had enough with the lies and propaganda, and let this be known in a cordial letter to Mr. Furillo.
Dearest Andy,
It has recently come to my attention that you have said some slanderous things regarding me, my team, and my character. Might I suggest that you take this vitriolic pedantitude and use it somewhere else? Not only would I greatly appreciate this, but I am sure the people would as well. There is no need for these shenanigans to continue. I have my life, and you have yours. Might I invite you to look at your own local government? Surely there are things going on there that reporting on would better serve you and I alike.
Blessings to you,
Boogie
NARRATOR: Known as the Furillo Letter, this communique quickly spread throughout the country. Reactions proved polarizing, to say the least.
EMMY ROSSUM: I saw nothing wrong with the letter. Mr. Furillo had it coming, if you ask me. Had I written that letter, there would have been far worse things written inside of it. Mr. Furillo’s blatant attempts at swaying the public’s perception of DeMarcus Cousins was so — what’s the word?
OFF-CAMERA PRODUCER: Shameless?
EMMY ROSSUM: Terrible! So terrible. [Pause] I see what you did there. I don’t appreciate it.
NAPOLEON III: That letter was ridiculous! Outrageous! Borderline insane! It was, how do you Americans say it, [sic] embisilic! I lost a lot of respect for Mr. Boogie that day.
NARRATOR: Mr. Furillo quickly responded to DeMarcus Cousins’ letter with another article. This time, it was a much more scathing piece, which referenced not only Boogie’s recent kerfuffle at a New York speakeasy, but also the woes of his brother. Against the advice of his closest friends, Mr. Cousins quickly responded.
FRED SAVAGE: I tried to tell him it wasn’t a good idea, but he simply wouldn’t listen. And … I get it. One time, a fan said something about my brother Ben and I lost it. [Pause, then whispering] They never found his body.
Mr. Furillo,
Hello, once more. How are things in your neck of the woods? It has again come to my attention that you and the rest of your people took your hatred out not only on me, but also on my brother. Pardon my French, but that is utter rubbish. If you have something to say, I urge you — say it to my bloody face. Is it that hard to do so? I know not what I did to hurt you, but I sincerely apologize. That said, I am tired of your shenanigans and I kindly implore you to cease and desist before things get ugly.
Take care,
Boogie
NARRATOR: Nobody was expecting such harsh words from America’s favorite man. But even after such a shocking display of vulgarity, many understood where he was coming from. It became the talk not only of the basketball intelligentsia, but the scholarly community as well.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: ’Twas a fine letter, if I do say so.
Crass? You could say that. Words are but a sword,
Ferociously piercing a man’s own soul.
I know not who started the fierce battle,
But rest assured, Sir Boogie ended it.
STEPHEN HAWKING: I knew that Mr. Cousins had a way with words, but I never knew he could use them so poignantly. It was beautiful, I tell you. Beautiful.
NARRATOR: With the shots fired, and the battlegrounds set, it was sure to be a long and ugly war. A war that was sure to stretch on for many more years, if not decades. A war that Mr. Cousins was ready to fight —
[Excerpt ends here. Keep this a secret. Remember — Ken Burns can sue you too.]
