Congratulations Ireland! Here’s What You Will Do With Apple’s Offshore Tax Money

Money? In Ireland? From Apple!?

aw yea, baby. now we gotta spend this shit to enrich the national essence

Ireland has just been awarded 13 billion freaking euros in unpaid taxes from Apple. I can’t imagine what 13 billion euros actually means, or what it could really do. I’ve chosen to place myself in the shoes of Ireland, anyway. Were I to have as much money as I could imagine receiving in one day and I were Ireland, this is what I would do with it:

First thing:

Famed Irish politician and affair-haver Charles Parnell was said to have been roughly six feet tall — enormous in his day. As Ireland, I will honor his memory by purchasing a solid, slimming peacoat and standing up as straight as I can for a week, denying my connection to any murders in the park.

me, murder? no way dude

Another thing I will do:

Flann O’Brien, author of the book now lending its title to the esteemed publisher Dalkey Archive Press, was pretty good at retelling classical Irish myths. He made deerskin-draped Finn McCool jump off the page and into your forebrain with a big stick. Accordingly, Ireland will make the thrifty purchase of a used copy of At Swim Two Birds and spends its weekend reading in its room, disappointing its uncle.

finally affordable

More ways to spend the big loot:

Samuel Beckett got out of Ireland and went to make a name for himself in Paris as soon as he could. So, let the French buy him a thing. In his honor, I as Ireland will make a CafePress t-shirt which says MORE PRICKS THAN INTEREST IN READING A BECKETT NOVEL RIGHT NOW MAYBE LATER HA HA.

dude why did you leave


Ireland elects to buy a Playstation Vita and a copy of Persona 4: Golden. It doesn’t really have specific cultural significance, but Ireland has wanted one for such a long time, you know? A friend from school told it the game is incredible.

looks really fun

Uhh is there any money left?

For the fifth and final splurge of its spree, Ireland buys a blu-ray copy of the 2010 Jack Black and Emily Blunt film, Gulliver’s Travels. Remember when Gulliver had to urinate on the palace to stop it from burning? Swift would’ve been so proud.

jack black!!!!!


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