CUT YOUR CONFORMIST NAZI HAIR AND GROW IT LONG, RIGHT NOW
Everyone has talked about Richard Spencer getting punched because it’s probably the most important thing that happened this year so far. Nazis are bad and they should be afraid to mingle in polite society. The video is perfect. There is a loud, satisfying SLAP, the assailant/vigilante/ginger (he feels red-haired, to me) Batman type-figure runs away, and we see Spencer in retreat, adjusting his hair and looking back and crying, thoroughly not able to do shit.
Will he learn his lesson? Nah, probably not. Did it yank a fucking statue of Trump over and reclaim this country for patriots and free people? Unfortunately, no. But also this shitty Nazi got hit in the face so who am I to turn away a free treat online?
But I’m not writing just to thinkpiece on this dude getting punched. I’m here to talk about that haircut, which is unacceptable. The white-boy shaved-sides-floppy-top is fucking over for decent people. It was always a corny haircut — a dummy riff on Mad Men meets Blade Runner horseshit. But now, there’s no way around it: It is a symbol of white supremacy.
If you are sporting one right now, like my friend Tom, and this makes you upset, I’m sorry. You should’ve done more to stop Donald Trump in his tracks. You should’ve gone back in time, stolen Trump from his crib, taken him to, like, India and given him to monks who could teach him the ways of the universe and keep him in a cave seeking the source for his entire life. But you didn’t do that, apparently, so it’s time for you to walk to your fucking sink, pull out a scissors, trimmer and razor, and stare in the mirror solemnly as you slice that fucker off, in a ritual to mark the occasion of a new, shitty world.
I’m sorry. It just has to be done.
This thing is literally a combination of skinhead sides, cropping the hair as close as possible on the edges, and fetishized 1950s white-male-asshole businessman vibes, jammed together in this stupid-looking morass. It is, in short, a PERFECT haircut for the racist-ass, 1950s-humping administration that was just minority-voted into the most powerful office in the world.
And it’s not like anyone is pulling this thing off. The way your head sort of curves at the top while your greasy floppy head tail flips to and fro on the top of your probably-too-small head. It’s a bad haircut, and will be mocked thoroughly in the future by children pointing at pictures in photo albums.
Look, we young trendy types all had fun in the aughts and the early teens with the “Hey we’re fake respectable” thing where we had short haircuts and used pomade or whatever, playacting as fancy boys and performing old timey postmodern masculinity. Even I, a confirmed dirtbag, experimented with the sinful sticky grease for a brief time. But that’s over now. Short hair, professional hair, slicked-back hair is back to signaling conformity — it has to go and be replaced in short order.
The time has come for long hair in defiance of Republican order. Order and manners were virtues of the Obama administration, but they’re over now. Not manners, necessarily — so long as you’re not talking to, you know, actual Nazis — but order. Order is the clarion call of the angry white, the craving of the type of person who heard “AMERICAN CARNAGE” and thought, “Yeah, for sure, we gotta clean that up,” and not, “What the fuck is this lunatic talking about?” Tear your pants, grow your hair long, embrace Birkenstocks in the rain, spraypaint shit on other shit because you’re pissed off. Nixon is back. ucking act like it, slump down and sail crooked.
