DR. CORBIN BONERMAN’S ADVICE ABOUT CHILDREN

Are wolves a bad influence on your child?

Hi, I’m Dr. Corbin Bonerman, a psychologist from the moon. I’m here to talk to you about your children.

They are so precious to you. Wouldn’t it be a shame if they were ruined by running with… THE WRONG CROWD? A crowd of angry wolves?

Oh man: scary! I know that you and me, adults, are scared of wolves. We know they have sharp teeth, sharper hunting instincts, and that they ascribe to a reactionary pro-wolf ideology.

But children, in their vast and open ignorance, those who have become alienated from the holy ideal of human supremacy over Earth, could be attracted to some of these dangerous wolf ideas!

I have parents coming into my office all the time, saying: “Dr. Corbin, my child was once healthy and normal. They enjoyed playing video games, for instance, and other normal activities. I once saw them cook eggs, which I think is very normal for a child their age.”

“Yes, for certain,” I reply. “For a child, cooking eggs is very important. It teaches them about cooking, and protein.”

“Thank you, Dr. Corbin,” they say, “For complimenting my child on their normalness. But something troubling has been happening, lately. My child has turned off their video game console and gone wandering into the woods.”

“And what, and what are they doing in the woods, Mr. and Mrs. (Their name, here, but I am going to use an example name instead of the real name of a parents I have talked to, so I can protect the confidentiality of my patients, who are often very embarrassed by their child associating with a beast as savage as the wolf.) Buttwhipe?”

“…they… they are…”

At this point, Mr. Buttwhipe stands in his chair and screams in agony. His shame runs very deep. He reaches for the letter opener on my desk, so he can commit ritual suicide instead of facing the truth about his child. I have to hold him back. My muscles glisten as the sunlight catches them saving this man’s life.

“MR. BUTTWHIPE.” I yell, very loud, so loud the walls shake, “YOU NEED TO CONTROL YOURSELF. YOUR DEATH BY RITUAL SUICIDE WILL ONLY DRIVE YOUR SON DEEPER INTO THE ARMS OF THE WOLVES.”

Then they both break down into tears, and get my floor very wet. I take them out in the lobby while my carpet guys come in and changes the wet carpet.

“We’ve seen such terrible things,” Mrs. Buttwhipe, taking through a wall of her tears, snot pouring out of her nose. I would offer her a handkerchief, but I left them all in my desk, and the carpet guys are in there, and they prefer I don’t disturb them while they work. I think they do drugs in my office. “Just last night, our son came home with a dog collar around his neck. When we asked him what was happening, he just howled at us and walked to the freezer and chewed on a frozen squirrel my husband killed and skinned for sustenance earlier in the week.”

“Mrs. Buttwhipe, I am worried for you. This has gone very far, very much further, further among further, than I could have predicted.” I pull out a nail file and take a few inches off my nails. I collect the dust in a thimble, for later use as fertilizer. “You son has submitted his person to the will of the Wolf Wolf Government (WWG) and is in the process of becoming their pet. I am afraid there is very little you can do for him, outside of capturing him and sending him to a SubWolf Correctional Facility, where he will take aggressive medications and spend his free time with other repressed wolf-submissives, learning to tramp down his newfound inferiority and accept the will of God, which is human domination over Earth.”

“But… Doctor Corbin.. Isn’t there something else we can do?”

I laugh. “Now now Mrs. Buttwhipe. You must understand. If we gives these savages even a tiny foothold into human life, they will find our deepest weaknesses and drive us into the oceans. Wolves and human boys cannot be allowed to co-exist, because the whole thread of humanity will be unwound. Why do you think we keep dogs, ma’am? To show these foul, terrible beasts that, at any second, we can kidnap them, then raise their children to be our servants. For a wolf to do the opposite is an affront. Vigilance is required!”

“B — but… my baby…”

“MA’AM, please calm down. Your baby is a baby no longer. The law, and basic morality considered him an ADULT the second he submitted to the will of our Wolven enemies. Please be advised that I am required to tell the government everything about this conversation, today, and that your phone will be tapped and your house under constant video surveillance until we can be 100% sure you didn’t steer your son into this, actual, literal, Den of Wolves. Now please, get out of the lobby, I have many other people to see today and I’m afraid my office is going to be out of commission for another week.”