MLB Postseason Mottos: The Bad, The Worse And The Fucking Ugly

Plus: suggestions for non-hideous replacement mottos

Every year, baseball teams adopt new mottos for the playoffs so they can sell more merchandise. Not championship apparel, but t-shirts and sweatshirts labeled “Postseason,” the MLB’s version of a wearable participation trophy. No one should ever buy these–buying “Postseason” gear means you weren’t content to have an American League Central champions shirt, but weren’t confident enough to wait for World Series gear. Their only place is on a dumpy manager’s pullover sweatshirt or at the top of an unwanted MLB shop e-mail you got because you bought tickets to an A’s-Mariners game online in 2012 and can never, ever unsubscribe from their list.

Let’s go through each ballclub’s new slogan and figure out what it says about the team, the sport of baseball, and America.

Cleveland Indians, “Rally Together”: This is also what Paul McCartney used to call it when he and John Lennon would jerk off at the same time. In fact, it was the original title of “Come Together” before they decided the syllables didn’t work. And the word “Come” always made Ringo giggle. Anyway, Cleveland’s hitters need to stop choking their chickens and start choking up on the bat, because they’ve been spanking the rally monkey.

Note: Each team also has a “Defend ____” variant for their city, and Cleveland chose “Defend Tribe Town,” in case you’d forgotten their offensive team name and racist mascot. The idea of being cursed by a Native American burial ground is a cliche, but if anyone is going to be haunted by Native Americans, it’s the team that produces clothing with Chief Wahoo on it for kids to wear, cheered on by fans dressed like they’re about to throw tea in the Charles River. It’s perfect that the Indians were eliminated from the playoffs in Chief Wahoo’s last game on Columbus Day, when MAGA enthusiast Trevor Bauer kept making errors throwing the ball to the extreme right.

Replacement slogan: “We’re Sorry,” because it acknowledges their shameful mascot and also their bullpen’s performance.

Boston Red Sox, “Do Damage”: The Sox’s slogan equally applies to their slugging lineup and noodle-armed middle relief corps. Any double-D slogan works well in Boston, because of the city’s love of Dunkin Donuts and Morganna the Kissing Bandit. “Do Damage” will eventually be the name of a Mark Wahlberg movie where he plays a Boston cop who foils a terror attack at Fenway Park.

Replacement slogan: “Jayson Tatum Is Only 20!”

New York Yankees, “Unite In The Bronx”: This sounds less like a sports slogan and more like one from the Occupy movement or the Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez campaign. The Yankees may be trying to appeal to disenfranchised Mets fans with their Big Tent approach to the playoffs, as well as anti-gentrification activists. It does reflect this Yankees team, which for the first time in forever is stocked with home-grown players. Of course, they’re mixed in with fancy upscale items like their array of boutique short relievers and Giancarlo Stanton. He evicted a mom-and-pop corner outfielder named Clint Frazier who was forced to relocate to Scranton to find work.

Replacement slogan: It’s time to honor one of the area’s favorite daughters, Queen Latifah, and make it “U.N.I.T.Y. In The Bronx.” You gotta let him know, the Yankees ain’t bitches or hoes.

Houston Astros: “Never Settle”: The slogan reflects the tenacity of the team, and the litigiousness of second baseman/civil litigator Jose Altuve, who always threatens to take a case to the jury. How do you think Yuli Gurriel got his suspension delayed until the regular season after making a racist gesture at Yu Darvish? Baseball simply didn’t want to face the pint-sized attorney in court. Manager A.J. Hinch is also notable for threatening legal action against relief pitchers who let him down, most recently last postseason when he sued closer Ken Giles for fraud, claiming he was a “belly-itcher impersonating a pitcher.”

Replacement slogan: To differentiate themselves from the other title contender in town and gain fan sympathy, “We Don’t Have Chris Paul.”

Oakland Athletics: “Win For Hero Town”: The postseason gear for the team who gets eliminated in the one-game wild card playoff is the saddest, and to their credit, the A’s barely tried. “Win For Hero Town” sounds like it was machine translated from the title of a Japanese manga.

Replacement slogan: Just give the playoff gear some ironic value and go with “Our Shit Don’t Work In The” above “Postseason.”

Los Angeles Dodgers, “Determined”: This might indicate that this Dodger team is unusually focused, but it could simply mean that Dave Roberts and company have accepted that free will is a myth, and the Dodgers themselves have no control about the outcomes of their actions. Whether or not Clayton Kershaw will choke his guts out in a crucial game is the result of a chain of events beyond his comprehension and control. Kenley Jansen’s cutter is no match for the inexorable match of causality.

Replacement slogan: Honor All-Star midseason acquisition Manny Machado with, “Mannywood II: The Squeakquel.”

Atlanta Braves, “For Each Other”: This slogan is accompanied by a logo of a tomahawk, which on its face seems extremely racist. But maybe the tomahawk is a symbol of the marauding Braves themselves, who cruelly raided a suburban county for their money to build the new ballpark. Much like the Native Americans that their logo and ballpark chants dishonor, the Braves used every part of Cobb County’s reserve fund. While 4 Each Other would be an excellent name for a boy band, “For Each Other” has a subtext of “Fuck the fans,” since the Atlanta Braves are doing it for the Atlanta Braves, not the tomahawk-chopping suckers in the seats.

Replacement slogan: “We Are Cowards”

Colorado Rockies, “Rocktober”: Going solely by classic rock radio stations, every year is Rocktober. But usually the Rockies aren’t even playing, just suing radio stations for infringing on their attempted “Rocktober” trademark. The Rockies should have something that reflects Colorado, like “Wild Weed Card” or that describes the team’s playoff history, like “The Opposite Of John Elway’s Career” or “Soft Rocktober.” Maybe just “WORSHIP HIM” over an outline of Blucifer, the demonic horse sculpture from the Denver airport.

Replacement slogan: “Rap-Rocktober,” because like the Rockies, it started showing up in the late 90s, and everyone was like, how is this successful at all? Why are their beards so weird?

Chicago Cubs, “#FlyTheW”: The Cubs obviously deserved to lose for including a hashtag on their merchandise. Also, 2018 simply isn’t the right time for people to get super fired up over flying any flag, particularly one displaying the nickname of our war criminal former president.

Replacement slogan: Since they‘re clearly reaching out to hip teens’, the Cubs could discuss Addison Russell’s replacement by Daniel Murphy with, “Homphobes > Wifebeaters lol” or remind us of the hilarity of social media with “.@realdonaldtrump Covfefe?”

Milwaukee Brewers, “Our Crew, Our October”: This slogan is not catchy at all, but judging by Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation, October is indeed a great month for brew crews. Barring multiple rainouts, the last possible day for the World Series is October 31, so they won’t have to infringe on “Our Crew, Our November,” the slogan of Governor Scott Walker’s patrons, the far-right Bradley Foundation.

Replacement slogan: “Unlikely To Conflict With Packers Games”