Excerpts From the Official Shocker Cookbook
You suck at food and we’re here to help.
According to our analytics, if you are reading this you are almost certainly a spinster who can’t cook. We, as your friends, are here to fix your life with the upcoming release of Here’s Your Chow: The Shocker’s Guide to Eating Some Dinner. To whet your appetite (lol food!) we have selected a few recipes to make you hungry for food and commerce. Enjoy!
Fatso’s Lament
This is the hamburger you eat before you disappear forever. The bun is a double decker birthday cake. The lettuce is iceberg lettuce shredded to roughly the width of human hair. The pickles, tomatoes, and onions are 3D printed, lightly grilled tofu imprinted with the combined flavors of all pickles, tomatoes, and onions in the world. The beef for the burger is sourced from a farm miles beneath the earth. The cows at this farm are given human intelligence and allowed to live out lives in a curated cow society with no knowledge of their ultimate fate. At their college graduation, they are slaughtered by townie cows who know the truth of their world. These townie cows produce the milk for the cheese of Fatso’s Lament. The mixture of meat infused with the fear of the innocent and cheese infused with complicity in absolute horror produces what the french call Saveur Finale, or The Final Flavor. It is to be served with one raw potato as a side.
Denim Chowder
If you have jeans, it’s a sure bet you’ve sweat in 'em, and according to our analytics, you’ve never washed your jeans. People lose a lot of valuable nutrients through sweat, but our old friend denim, she says: “I’ll tuck these away for later.” To prepare this you will need your funkiest jeans, although you can substitute any sufficiently funky denim clothing. You will want to remove all metal from the denim & arrange it into a tasteful table setting. Simmer the denim for one day in a 2 gallon slow cooker with 1 gallon vanilla almond milk, a pound of cubed tofu, three untouched onions, and a tablespoon of Frank’s Red Hot Buffalo Sauce. Afterwards, send the denim back to the denim processing plant and enjoy a hearty chowder that will last for days. You might just recognize the flavor …it’s your own.
Dessert Spaghetti
Spaghetti is called “the great American addiction” for a reason - we can’t get enough of the stuff at lunch and dinner time! But sometimes you don’t want to stop eating spaghetti just because the reminder you set to eat dessert went off.
For the noodles, you will use 5 pounds of Starburst candies — any flavor will do, but make sure they’re all the same flavor until you’re a more confident cook. Roll them with your rolling pin until they are one flat, solid mass and cut into strips no wider than a garden snake. For the sauce you will use 24 oz of cherry soda, 24 oz of cola (do NOT substitute 48 oz of cherry cola) and 1 cup of flour. Mix thoroughly. For the spicy meat-a-balls, use carefully de-rodded cake pops. Combine all ingredients in a small cauldron and simmer over low heat for 15 minutes and voila, you have a delicious dessert that you can keep eating throughout the week or all in one sitting depending on how recent the Accident was.
Frog Mouth Pie
You have thousands of frogs at your house and they keep killing each other. Don’t try to deny it, it’s really not that embarrassing! Frogs are cute but they are also harsh and wicked-minded creatures. You put 8,000 of em in your basement and, yeah, there’s gonna be some frogicide. Turn these brutal limes into limeade by giving these deaths purpose. While the French have popularized eating frog legs, true food-likers know that the mouth is where the good eatin' is. You will want to use a Sarah Lee brand Frog Mouth Pie crust, don’t try making your own, you’ll fuck it up. Separate 50 mouths from 50 frogs, taking special care to leave the tongues intact. Mix the mouths with 1 cup melted butter and a tablespoon of garlic salt. Dump that into the pie crust and carefully place the tongues over the filling. Bake at 350 degrees for 90 minutes and voila, you have the perfect savory pie to hide in your purse and take into the movies.
Breakfast Slime
Waking up and eating breakfast isa task many Americans choose suicide over each year, and hey, we get it. It takes too long! You have to eat a bowl of Captain Crunch AND a banana AND a stack of pancakes AND a pitcher of orange juice AND a pot of hot coffee….right?? Here’s a recipe for efficiency: get that complete breakfast in the blender your dad left you after the Accident and make a nutritious AND delicious slime that you can chug down in the shower. Don’t worry about getting it all over yourself, that’s why you’re in the shower. Don’t think of this like eating, just focus on keeping your esophagus open. The calories in the Slime are enough that the only reason to eat again is for pleasure. But when your esophagus opened, you realized the truth. Pleasure is only a distraction from the one job any respectable person has: finding a way to defeat entropy and live forever. The road begins here. Don’t walk, run.
