EXCLUSIVE LEAKS FROM THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH

opressin’

Yesterday, the Trump administration laid the WOOD on Departmental Public Relations, basically telling several government institutions that they were barred from speaking to the media or Congress for the foreseeable future. This is, of course, WILDLY undemocratic and deeply troubling, sort of like everything that happens nowadays.

But thankfully, information wants to be free, leaking is not that difficult, and pressing on public employees that hard was bound to have consequences. Media outlets across the country are already getting flooded with messages from unnerved bureaucrats, telling shocking tales of maleficence and neglect not TWO days into Trump’s reign as the head of the United States government. Please, steel yourself, because some of these stories are pretty shocking:

THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY: “Two guys in black suits and dark sunglasses walked into the office unannounced. They started knocking stuff off our desks and giving performative, wildly exaggerated wedgies to actors — possibly reappropriated prostitutes, though I hate to assume — wearing shirts that said ‘EARTH NERDS.’ Then they walked into the climate sciences division and started slowly filling the toilets with motor oil while giggling. Our managers are definitely worried about cutbacks.”

DEPT. OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES: “We got a USPS box from the White House this morning. We opened it up and it was empty, except for a note that said ‘Smell this, bitches.’ We think someone farted in the box and thought it would keep? Anyway, unnerving.”

NATIONAL PARK SERVICE: “OK, so, a man dressed in a giant cereal box stood outside the building today while another guy in an Exxon Mobil-branded suit ‘ate’ something out of the top of the box while moaning with ecstatic pleasure and yelling ‘OH GOD, DELICIOUS MINERALS, SO GOOD FOR THE HONEST WHITE AMERICAN WORKER. WHY HAVE I BEEN STARVED BY THEODORE ROOSEVELT FOR ALL THESE YEARS? I AM MADE SICKLY BY HIS CALLOUSED FINGERS AND THE SENTIMENTAL RAMBLINGS OF HIS PREDECESSORS.’ I thought it was a little on the nose, but I guess I’m glad performance artists are getting consistent work.”

DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE: “Eric Trump rode through our front door on a golf cart and informed us that we’re now a ‘MAGA Subreddit, Pepe Butthole, Dongo Floorp?’ We were under the impression that he wasn’t in government, but he just laughed at us and we were too scared to have security escort him out. We’re pretty sure whatever he said is isn’t actually going to happen, since Trump will need us to be jackbooted court goons and all.”

DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR: “A Secret Service agent comes every day and changes our sign to say Department of the Inferior and then a little star symbol, but not a Star of David or a regular star, it looks more like the shooting star. We keep asking him to explain it and he just giggles.”

DEPT. OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT: “Ben Carson sent us all pictures of habitrails with the caption ‘How about this?’”

solution man

FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION: “Apparently our new boss is the weird little boy from Wife Swap who said bacon was good good for him. He has some truly unsettling opinions about what foods should and shouldn’t be refrigerated. We are baffled by his insistence that graham crackers go bad when you leave them on the shelf.”

DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION: “Barron Trump came in and he told us you have to be able to get an A+ in Mario, because he is especially good at Mario. It was actually kind of cute, even if it was a colossal waste of time. Oh, also, someone broke in at night and scrawled CHRIST IS LORD, EXORCISE MOSLEM ATHEISM HOMOSEX FROM OUR SCHOOLS on the walls in pig’s blood.”

DEPARTMENT OF VETERANS AFFAIRS: “A guy came in yesterday and told us that ‘This department is, like SUPER important to us,’ and that ‘The health and well being of those who fought for our country is priority NUMBER ONE in the Trump Administration,’ but it seemed a little sarcastic? Someone asked him about the lilt in his voice and he got really mad, though, so I guess me meant it?”

NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS: “Mike Pence called and asked if ‘We still had Piss Christ lying around, because I’m gonna need that real bad. To get rid of it, throw it in the dang garbage — not as a marital aide for me and Mother, who is also mad at the infamous urine picture as all True Christian Americans are.’”

it actually works with christian theology, dummy

DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE: “There have been a lot of memos from on high about “Cutting vegetables” and “Defunding vegetables” and ‘Getting the US Government out of the business of vegetables and other plant-type foods.’ A man in a suit who said he was from the White House came in yesterday and asked if he could see ‘The Director of the Vegetable Division.’ We told him we didn’t know what he was talking about, and he just jotted something down in a notebook and said ‘Interesting. Now tell me, how long have you been denying the existence of the Vegetable Division? Don’t worry, we’re all friends here.’ He seemed pretty set on not believing us.”

(Ryland Duncan and Damon Agnos contributed reporting to this article.)