EXCLUSIVE: The Shocker Kidnaps & Previews Eight Never Before Seen Next-Gen Pokemon

Nintendo can pay up if they ever want to see their precious creatures again.

these impressionable dullards have begun to embrace the SHOCKER’s ethos

The Shocker is a young, hungry website about a blue dog’s dreams. We’re willing to do whatever it takes to get to the top, things other websites would consider “unethical” or that a policeman would call a “crime.” So when we heard some of the next gen pocket monsters for the new game Pokemon: Soup and Salad were being shipped from Tokyo to New York City, we hijacked the truck they were being kept on and straight stole them. Nintendo can pay us 53 million dollars if they want their monsters back, but until then, check out eight of our favorites:

1 — PINGKIG

Pingkig’s body is sticky like bubblegum that was in a mouth

This mud-type Pokemon is quite the brawler! We had to shoot him with seven elephant tranquilizers to get him on our truck. The heavy iron chains that he is bound with used to buckle, but the fight went right out of him when he watched us barbecue a Squirtle, which had a much tangier flavor than we would have expected. Now it knows to fear humans, and does cute little tricks to try and win our favor!

2 — BURGORI

If you see a Burgori in the wild, close your eyes and apologize to those you have hurt in your life

This jungle-type Pokemon is one of the finest specimens we’ve ever seen! It killed one of the mercenaries we hired for the job, but while it was stomping on his spine, we managed to electrocute it. Now it’s in safe keeping in the Shocker vaults deep under the earth. It fires burgers out of its hands to try and escape its enclosure, but the glass is burger proof. DM us for recordings of the way it mournfully wails its own name.

3 — PINEAPPARITION

when Pineapparition was alive it was a Poliwhirl

This goofy lil ghost-type Pokemon is one of our favorites here at the Shocker! It can’t be captured as such, but it seems to be totally fine with the way that we’re treating its fellow monsters. Sometimes it phases into their enclosures to mock them, to remind them that for all of their incredible power, the only true freedom comes from death.

4 — TRUQUEEN

honk honk! this truck’s top speed is one mile per hour because of the sedatives we put in its food

I know what you’re thinking — is this truck type Pokemon THE VERY TRUCK THAT THE POKEMON WERE ON? Of course not! You are a big dunce for thinking this, and we’re all worried about you. Truqueen is actually the size of a weiner dog, and what appear to be wheels are actually weird little legs. Her favorite activities are eating hay and trying to squeeze through the food slot in her enclosure — but it’s much too small even for a tiny baby truck like her!

5 — STALYOLK

sloppy creature

This horse-type Pokemon combines everything you love about eggs with everything you hate about horses. Every time it gets surprised it freaks out and gallops all over the place, clearly wishing there was a human on its back whose neck it could break with its erratic, untamable motions. Out of all the Pokemon we captured, we are the meanest to this one, because its trippy egg yolk tail really stinks up the joint. I’m sure you never considered in your youth the smell of a Pokemon, but most of them are disgusting.

6 — DESSERTLE

what appears at first glance to be ice cream and frosting is actually just it’s horribly loose skin

This fire-type Pokemon looks slow, but he runs extremely fast! Thankfully not faster than our weighted nets, but still pretty fast. While his name and look bring to mind a turtle, he’s actually more similar to a spider with his ability to crawl up walls, spin webs of delicious cotton candy, and inject a powerful paralytic through his fangs. Luckily, everyone who works at the Shocker is immune to poison, so we just get mega high when he bites us and honestly, some of us are starting to get pretty badly addicted to it. Writer Corbin Smith has been known to wander the Shocker’s office halls muttering “every time I eats I need to get a li’l DES-ERT-AH!”

7 — AONU

we’re so sorry

We feel fucked up about this one and we’ve been super nice to it. Fed it, pet it, played with it, not willing to risk invoking any kind of mojo.

8 — TASUKETE

he is either silent or screaming, no middle ground

This old-type Pokemon isn’t in any of the Pokedexes we’ve checked, but he was on the truck and we’re sure as hell not letting him go until we get that munny, which we decided to knock down to $47 million because we remembered about that Squirtle we ate. We’re not sure what his name is, but Pokemon are usually named after the sound they make, and he screams this all night and day. His most powerful attack is scratching, and he LOVES cigarettes!

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated Ryland Duncan’s story.