Features to Look Forward to For COVID-20

Out with the old coronavirus, in with the new coronavirus

check out these rascally little devils

We here at The Shocker, in partnership with Morbus the God of Disease, have been carefully monitoring the response to the roll-out of COVID-19 and we get it: you’re not happy! For the release of COVID-20 in just a few months, we’re working on some new symptoms that we think will address some of your concerns.

• Where COVID-19 disproportionately effects immunocompromised people, COVID-20 will make them incredibly strong and evil.
• COVID-20 will have a companion app available exclusively in the Samsung app store where you get points for being sick. The points are redeemable for pictures of healthy people, to inspire you.
• Obsessively washing and sanitizing your hands to avoid COVID-19 has been a real drag for the rowdy dirtbags among us so COVID-20 will instantly paralyze your hands and gnarl them into goblin claws.
• COVID-19 causes a fever just like the flu — boring! COVID-20 will replace this with extreme restless leg syndrome. “Death dancing” is what Morbus wants people to call it (a dance based pandemic has been a dream of his for a while now).
• Anyone who has watched all of Dharma & Greg will be immune from COVID-20 but the deadline to have done that is today. The ark isn’t a bandwagon. Sorry, babe!
• Dry coughing is a warning sign for COVID-19. For COVID-20?? It will be the only sign you are safe.

only one red eye means he is dying from COVID-19

• Anyone who dies from COVID-20 will be reincarnated with red eyes so that in their next life you know to yell at them about hygiene.
• For COVID-20 you still can’t touch your own face but you can get healthier by touching other people’s faces and draining the disease into them. We anticipate this will create a sub-class of “disease pigs” sent to soak up the virus, but as you’ll discover that, if you drain too much, they will explode and emit a cloud of Super COVID-20, instantly skeletonizing anyone in a one mile radius.
• COVID-20, when observed under a microscope, will have a playful and rascally personality, tiny sunglasses, and the voice of Hollywood bad boy Michael Ian Black.
• To compensate for all the events canceled due to COVID-19, sitting through your friend’s boyfriend’s entire two hour hybrid improv/cabaret show will be one of the only effective forms of treatment For COVID-20
• If you eat a salad while you have COVID-20 it will turn into McDonalds in your throat, and vice versa.