Final Destination 6: The Trump Administration — A Treatment
A first look at the iconic horror franchise’s latest film…
[Editor’s note: Some actors, musicians and film directors responded to President Donald Trump’s Muslim-banning executive order with large donations to the ACLU. Glen Morgan, creator of the Final Destination film series, took a different approach. The Shocker received a treatment of a prospective Final Destination 6, an installment thematically different from its predecessors. We present it for your perusal, but proceed only if you’re fine with barfing — a lot.]
FINAL DESTINATION 6: THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
{Note to producers: I haven’t yet determined how to weave plot into any of this, but based on most of the sequels, I doubt that’ll be an issue. The important shit — the disgusting, weird deaths — is all here, as you can see below. I’ll figure out a half-coherent White House-type story to tie it together by re-watching a ton of West Wing episodes. —G.M.}
STEVE BANNON, WHITE HOUSE CHIEF STRATEGIST: Bled to death in the Situation Room one night after cutting a pound of flesh from his body in a drunken bet placed over a Skype call with Vladimir Putin, avowed anti-Leninist and secret Shakespeare enthusiast.
MIKE PENCE, VICE PRESIDENT: Syphilis (thanks, Mother).
REX TILLERSON, SECRETARY OF STATE: Crushed when his mega-yacht crashed into the side of his beach house in the summer of 2019, a singularly fierce hurricane season. The deluge might have been foreseeable had the EPA not already been shuttered by then.
JARED KUSHNER, WHITE HOUSE SENIOR ADVISOR: Found drained of blood, his neck covered in bite marks. The unfortunate victim of silver fox archconservative internet personality Bill Mitchell — a secret vampire, whose pulsating virility and raw sexual charisma stems from feeding on young, non-Gentile flesh.
SEAN SPICER, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: Murdered in a clandestine op undertaken by Erik Prince, after disappointing Trump one time too many. Replaced by a parrot that does nothing but repeat journalists’ questions back at them.
KELLYANNE CONWAY, COUNSELOR TO THE PRESIDENT: Face melted off at a White House coke party after she unknowingly snorted what turned out to be an alternative drug. Most partygoers (including new FBI Director Eric Garland) were unaffected, but her face was already hanging on by a thread as it was.
BEN CARSON, SECRETARY OF HOUSING & URBAN DEVELOPMENT: Accidentally killed by a drone unable to distinguish friend from foe after Trump started bombing American cities in early 2018. Several other Cabinet members were standing near him at the time, but all emerged unscathed.
BETSY DeVOS, PROSPECTIVE SECRETARY OF EDUCATION: Died of seasonal influenza. Medical records showed that she hadn’t received a vaccine in 20 years.
MICHAEL FLYNN JR., FAILSON OF THE NAT’L SECURITY ADVISER: Food poisoning, possibly after visiting a Washington, D.C. pizza parlor and making a point of asking his waiter for the “RAW anchovies”. Starting Knicks center Andrew Bogut would retire upon hearing the news.
RUDOLPH GIULIANI, WHITE HOUSE CYBERSECURITY ADVISER (no, we haven’t figured that one out either): His shriveled corpse was pulled from the steaming wreckage of a single-car crash. Apparently, he attempted to mow down a bunch of protesters blocking a road that actually turned out to be a cleverly painted wall. (Art truly went to another level in those years.)
DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Crushed to death under a vending machine that he shook too hard in a temper tantrum, because the Ho Hos he really wanted had gotten stuck.
SEAN HANNITY, FOX NEWS PUNDIT/TRAITOR TO THE REPUBLIC OF IRELAND: Assassinated in a brothel by Rafael Cruz — identified as “the second shooter on the grassy knoll” in a CIA report that would not be declassified until 2038.
RICHARD SPENCER, FOUNDER OF ALT-RIGHT MOVEMENT: Punched so hard by a brass-knuckles-wearing antifa that the braincase between his nose and skull burst, resulting in his gray matter draining out (in a manner similar to the transnasal craniotomies performed on mummified Egyptian pharaohs). This might have been for the best, since he was starting to develop CTE anyway.
PIERS MORGAN, DISGRACED BRITISH JOURNALIST: Hit by a bus that he didn’t notice because he was too busy feuding with a Twitter egg, whom he had quote-RT’d asking who had more followers.
CHUCK C. JOHNSON, RIGHT-WING TROLL: Cause of death undetermined. Found in an alleyway wrapped up in a… well-soiled carpet.
