Happy Thanksgiving! Beethoven Didn’t Exist.

Bach. Tchaikovsky. Mozart. Cappadonna.

What is the X factor that these three masters of their craft have that Beethoven did not? Well, sheeple, for one thing, they actually existed, or do exist. Unlike that fraudulent wannabe-Santa-Claus known as Ludwig van Beethoven. That’s right, boys and girls. Ludwig van Beethoven was a made up man. He never existed. Those songs we attribute to him were not written by him or anyone. They’ve existed since the beginning of time.

Many people tell this inspiring story of Beethoven, who was supposedly able to compose all these masterpieces despite overcoming the many hurdles that come with the debilitating condition of being named Ludwig. You’re not fooling me, media. Nobody named Ludwig could ever compose beautiful songs such as “Piano Sonata #14 Movement 3” and “Fidelio — The Prisoners Chorus.”

Think about it. Most of the songs you know as Beethoven songs are used quite liberally. What respected artist would let his music be shilled during the holiday season like this? Beethoven wouldn’t hear such a thing. If he truly existed he would’ve made sure the sanctity of these beautiful works was upheld! Reader, you have been had. Beethoven is as fraudulent as “good black licorice” and “The Best Burger In Town.” Ludwig van Beethoven? More like Ludwig van Beethmicrowave.

“Bradley,” many people have asked me, “if Beethoven didn’t exist, who was the adorable dog who drove Charles Grodin up the wall named after?”

Well, reader, let me tell you. He’s named after this made-up character. In April of 1849, reviled scallywag Zachary Taylor was failing, as he was known to do from lifetime to lifetime, and he needed a distraction. After meeting with his notorious group of sycophantic followers, they concocted the great farce known as Ludwig van Beethoven. Through the beauty of his music, they thought that they could distract the world from his symphony of mediocrity known as “life”. Taylor swiftly jumped at the idea of a world where he was simply forgotten, instead of reviled. They dug up a series of seldom used symphonies believed to be written by Christopher Marlowe, and Mr. Beethoven’s myth was born.

“What do I do with this information?” you are most likely asking me, reader. Honestly, I do not have an answer. We all remember the age when our parents, after years of lying to us, told us that Mark Twain never existed. I remember it well. I was but a wee lad of 24, when my father sat me down on his lap, bought me some ice cream and broke the news. I was devastated. “Well, who have I been writing letters to all these years on Frog-Jumping Day? Who’s been writing me back?” It turned out that even my parents were in on this Beethovian conspiracy.

I will let this happen again. It’s time we stop telling the youths of this country such farcical balderdash. Beethoven is simply a surrogate in Zachary Taylor’s long line of failures. He is a fraud. Well, the idea of him is a fraud. I hope that we can move on and become a better nation knowing this.

Beethoven should not be judged, as we do not judge fictional characters. This is not an attack on you or your morals if you still believe in Beethoven. I respect you. We, as people, are inherently naive and stupid. I just ask that you do your research during this holiday season and stop praising these false icons. It will be better for us all, moving forward.