HERE ARE THE BOATS WE HATE

Let me cut straight to the point on this: boats are bad. They are a bad time and ain’t nothing good ever come of them. Here is the list of the boats, the ones I want to smash.

The Little Boat

hope the ocean gobbles u up fuckboi

You got your average boat, the little boat. Maybe its got paddles, maybe its got a little motor, but either way it’s a car that criminals use to trespass into the ocean. Imagine you are a fish, and you are living your little life with your unblinking monster eyes and one day you see, out of nowhere, a treat floating around. You bites it, and you get pulled away into hell by some dad who thinks this is gonna be the day he finally connects to his son, but guess what, he’s never gonna like this. Unless he yanks that rod up and finds that there’s a Video Games or a Marijuana Bong on the other end, he’s never gonna like it. You as a fish died so a teenager could shrug at your corpse, which his dad will make him eat even though neither of them really want to. Little boats are for that, and sometimes for doing extra boring versions of already pretty boring sports.

WHAT THIS BOAT COULD BE INSTEAD OF A BOAT:

A big table, a bunch of chairs, an okay-sized bed, firewood

Pleasure Boats

this is a good way to let ppl know they should make u a target when the revolution comes

This boat is bigger than the little boat, which means it is worse. These are mostly used for two purposes. The first is as an aquatic sex vehicle that the wealthy use to fill the ocean with their sin. They get drunk on liquors and beers and drive out into the water to show their private parts to innocent whales while they slam them together until they make a baby that will grow up to be addicted to gambling. Please forgive my heteronormative assumption, but I believe rich people in same sex relationships ideally use blimps for their decadent porking, to make sure God is looking, but most end up settling for the Pleasure Boat. The other use for these boats is as houses for people who made big mistakes/characters who are supposed to be “kooky” in movies, either way, they’re wearing Hawaiian shirts.

WAYS I WOULD DESTROY THIS BOAT:

With my fists! With a rocket launcher with a rocket in it labeled “temperance”! With a big barrel full of booze that they would see and think “oh good, it’s the kind of liquid that we like” but then when it lands they see it is on fire and they go “AW BRUDDER WE SHOULD HAVE HAD BETTER MORALS!”

BIG OLE BOATS

this boat is carrying legos that are so big only paul bunyan can play with them

The big boat is used for carrying an enormous amount of stuff. Sometimes it is used to carry millions of iPads, sometimes to carry thousands of drunk rich people with opinions about buffets. The cargo boat seems more respectable than the surface-level sin zone of the cruise ship. It is a working person’s boat, a humble, obedient servant to the human race. You find yourself admiring this boat’s spirit, striving to be more like it. That is how they get you. The cargo boat needs you to believe that you need it, it needs you to perpetuate the global capitalist nightmare that allows its kind to thrive. We believe the cargo boats to be our friends, when they 100% think of themselves as our masters.

BEST ALTERNATIVE TO BIG BOATS:

For sinning, just have a regular party on land, maybe rent a luxurious hotel. For the transportation of goods, let’s have sixteen cargo boats, two per continent (there’s a secret one, don’t worry about it). This will aid in The SHOCKER’s long term goal of abolishing boats and capitalism.

MURDER BOATS

the famous cuck whale

These boats are big like big boats, but whereas those can be construed as a little bit good, these are just for doing murder. The most popular murder boat is the aircraft carrier, a sad beast whose belly is covered in death birds. It has cannons and things, but the airplanes are the star of the show. This is why they are referred to by many in the Air Force as “cuck whales.” The other popular murder boat is the submarine, a sneaky monster that liars ride around in. Other boats are above the water, where God can see them, but submarines go way way down and are filled with nukes. There are tons of nukes beneath the ocean and if you are comfortable with that thought, congrats on all the animals you have killed with your bare hands!!!

WHAT CAN BE DONE ABOUT THE MURDER BOATS:

They must all be dragged to shore and have a prison built around them where they can repay their debt to society and, upon release, be recycled into housing for homeless people and maybe there are a few statues of me to commemorate that this was my idea.

SPACE BOATS

stop fantasizing about this boat

Let’s face it, space ships are big as hell boats that are mostly pretend. A lot of you are probably pro-space exploration, and that’s fine, I understand. TV shows make the exploration of space look like a lot of fun. But the fate of all humans is to die on this planet, and anyone who would subvert that is defying Mother Gaia, who is hungry to turn our bones into dirt. Perhaps you feel space colonization is the only way to save our species, and that is a very optimistic thought, but the natural world is not a space for optimism, it is mostly a staging ground for death. The human race’s purpose, most likely, is to set the stage for a race of super powerful dog/cockroach hybrids who will put our bones on display in their museums. Perhaps you think that with space ships we will be able to form some kind of United Federation of Planets, another swell and kind thought, but realistically aliens are probably less like Shakespearean actors with weird foreheads and more like sentient tar whose main hobby is incinerating things.

BUT I WANNA DO A STAR TREK:

I’m sorry the Star Trek isn’t real. Quark is pretend and his real name is Armin Shimmerman and in real life he is barely greedy at all.

bro we wish you were real. in the blue dog’s dreams, you are real. also this article is over now, fuck boats
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