HERE ARE THE PLANES WE LOVE
Airplanes Are Good
Here at The Shocker we have extremely strong opinions that we are willing to die for, but which often change completely a moment later. Right now, here in this moment that will be preserved forever in digital amber, we think airplanes fucking rule. Here’s them:
AIRBUS
Your average airplane has two rows for weary travelers trying to get all over our good planet to see all their friends from the internet, but the Airbus is the next generation. This sky titan is a double-decker! You can fit double the people on one of these bad boys. After the Event, the remains of these are going to be VERY sought after as shelter.
CROP-DUSTERS
You’ve seen these for sure! Whereas an Airbus is a mommy airplane, a crop-duster is her obedient dog. They can be used to put bug poison on corn, or write messages in the sky such as “HELLO EVERYBODY I AM IN AN AIRPLANE RIGHT NOW AND I GOTTA TELL YOU, THIS VIEW IS BREATHTAKING!” Sometimes airplanes that look sort of like these guys have guns on them so they can fight in a war from history. These crop-dusters work hard to differentiate themselves from these cloud-based murderers. After the Event, these little planes will have their wings torn off and be used as carriages for the Bishops.
HELICOPTER
These sweet sky children are about as little as a flying machine gets, but with a twist: they zoom through the sky using a big spinning knife! If that isn’t cool as hell to you, I’m sorry, but your sense of wonder needs work. These metal babies can be used for all kinds of stuff: describing traffic, getting people to the hospital, escaping Vietnam, and most importantly, getting pretty good establishing shots of big cities for movies. Even though it is the friendly little brother of all the airplanes, it’s the coolest one to say that you fly, because it establishes you are cool enough to live in the sky part-time but you don’t put on a little costume like airline pilots. After the Event, most of these will be submerged in the New Ocean and used as dorm rooms for eels, all of whom have become hyper-intelligent (and mostly benevolent, thank fuck.)
ALL EXPERIMENTAL PROTO-PLANES
The road to inventing the airplane was hilarious. For a while everybody thought they would have to do balloons, which, y’know, yuck. Then people made all kinds of non functional whirlygigs & gyro-copters. It was all, functionally speaking, bad and stupid, but on another level really cool and beautiful that people were brave enough to just throw what the fuck ever at the wall to try and take the sky back from the birds. After the Event, these brave failures will be kept in a museum along with the other 100 remaining human inventions.
JAY JAY THE JET PLANE
Jay Jay the Jet Plane is a special airplane from another dimension where airplanes and cars all have human faces and worship Jesus Christ. If I had to guess, in this world vehicles evolved alongside man, like kindhearted monsters sent by God to help build society. Other than the sentient, semi-humanoid status of these airplanes, very little is known about their universe. Are the airplanes slaves, or do they receive payment for the work they do for humans? How do the airplanes procreate? Are their bodies fully organic, or are they like fleshy hermit crabs deposited into mechanical “shells”? Are there wars in this universe, and if so, are these airplanes expected to fight and kill alongside humans? Seeing as they all age, will they all inevitably die? After the Event, Jay Jay the Jet Plane will finally be understood the way it was meant to be: as a warning.
okay you can go home now!!!!
