How To Successfully Pitch Us (at the Shocker!)

Many of you creepy little insects have inquired about pitching your content, stories, articles, listicles, and slideshows to The Shocker. That’s awesome! Thanks for thinking of us! The Shocker, like most successful media empires, relies on freelance writers for the bulk of our traffic and like most media empires, successful or not, we also will pay you either nothing or next to nothing (in our case it’s a solid nothing).

But how do you go about the process of not getting paid by us? It’s simple, really. As simple as invading Russia in the winter and smoking a fat blunt with a coven of mermaids. That is to say, it’s easy and something you should do constantly!

We are currently accepting stories from freelancers that are:

Stupid: Is the topic, narrative, character, or outcome something truly stupid and pointless?

Shitty: If a million people saw this story, would it make all of them masturbate until they cried?

A Waste of Time (yours, mine): If I don’t want to walk outside and punch a brick wall after I read your story, then why should anyone else?

Dumb: Is this the type of story you could show to your parents and they’d be so overcome by rage they would immediately divorce and send you to live with your weird smelling Auntie Eva?

Idiotic: Would you share it with a murderer? Would your friends share it with a murderer? Most importantly, would your mom’s friend ever seduce a murderer for tickets to a Chris Isaak concert? Would she fall in love with the murderer despite her comfortable suburban life? The loving if ineffectual husband, the two kids who are always on their phones, the dog that barks at basic shadows and eats his own shit?

Just straight-up plagiarism: Is there anything original or interesting worth deleting before we copy and paste Star Trek fan fiction?

So if you’ve got something up our alley that fits these parameters, please internalize the following guidelines!

1. Contact either myself, Johnny Wilmes, Damon Agnos. You can also try to contact Corbin Smith, but Corbin is the Colonel Kurtz of The Shocker. So, best of luck to you.
2. Tell us about your childhood.
3. Tell us what you think of Interview With the Vampire.
4. Tell us what “fuck the police” means to you.
5. Make a power rankings of your 43 favorite Shocker articles.
6. Think about your future.
7. Think about how broke you’ll be if you pursue this “writing” thing.
8. Write in another language if you can. English is so stupid.
9. Please do not try to curry favor with us by gushing about internet celebrity Bradley Geiser. It’s unseemly, and have some fucking dignity. Brad is too busy being famous to listen to your bullshit right now.
10. Don’t worry. It happens to a lot of guys.
11. Describe the sandwich you’d make us.
12. Justify this sentence, and not ironically: “Masta Killa is the most important member of the Wu-Tang Clan.”
13. Can you kickflip? Kickflips are cool. Kickflips are the sort of trick God would be into if he wasn’t so busy drowning people!
14. Finish this sentence: I would have sex with Hitler if ________
15. Speaking of sex, if you are good at it then you’re fired. Fuck you.
16. Write a list of the ugliest NBA players in cursive.
17. Run around the block. When you are done walk up to a stranger and scream in his face, “I JUST RAN AROUND THE BLOCK. AND I VOTE.”
18. Fight a larger man, and then when you are done fight a smaller man. If you beat both the larger and smaller man you are hired. If you beat the larger man but not the smaller man then you are an intern with an annual stipend of Diet Coke. If you only beat the smaller man, then shame on you.
19. Get yourself a Diet Coke. You’ve earned it.
20. Text your unrequited love the following message: “Cool Runnings MUCH?????”
21. Come to my big house.
22. Clean my bad room.
23. Clean my turtle’s tank.
24. Watch a movie with me.
25. Scratch my good back.
26. Carry me to my bed. Tuck me into bed. Blow out the candle next to bed. Remove my bed slippers. Tell me nightmares aren’t real. Kiss my forehead gently and with love.
27. Tell me it doesn’t look like I’m retaining water weight.
28. Give us your Medium handle so we can add you to the writer’s list, and then you can submit drafts.
29. Set fire to the thing you love most in this world.
30. Unless the thing you love most in this world is Fire Man. Fire Man will only get stronger if you do this. For the love of fucking Christ, do not make Fire Man any stronger. He’s done enough fucking damage.

PITCH US! WE’RE VERY HORNY!!!!!!!