HOW TO TALK TO A WOMAN WHO IS KICKING YOUR ASS: TEN TIPS

ONE: What did you do you fucking moron!? Did you talk to her when she was walking down the street with headphones on, minding her own business? You idiot. You deserve this.

TWO: Try to disengage for a second. Hold your hands up to show you’re not a threat.

THREE: Now, run away, yelling “I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY!” as loud as you can. But not too loud, it will startle her more and oh shit here she comes. She’s barreling down on you dude. Can you get indoors quickly?

(oh shit no, oh fuck. VIA Flickr)

FOUR: Oh fuck, she caught up to you. Now she’s really mad. She grabbed your whole torso with two hands and threw you into a pile of dirt. You think there might be dog poop in the pile, you smell really bad now. Try to cry and scramble away, only pity can save you now.

FIVE: Holy shit, no mercy, she kicked you straight in the gut dude. In fairness, you absolutely deserve this. What were you thinking!?

SIX: Just lie down, palms flat on the ground and scream I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I deserve this I deserve this please take my money and my clothes and shave off all my hair and empty my bank account and light what little money I have on fire in front of me.

SEVEN: When she picks you up by the back of your neck and stares you down you need to start mewling. Try to transform yourself, body and soul, into a kitten, her kitten. You have been defeated. It is time to submit wholly and hope she takes good care of you. If you’re lucky and very respectful she might feed you canned food once a week.

(Your new owner at work, making money so she can kick more sad male asses)

EIGHT: Now that you live in her house as her pet, try to avoid the big scary cat that lives in the house. She is the alpha cat on the property. You cannot beat her in a scratch fight or any fight. You will eat second and use the bad litter box.

NINE: Try to escape from this hell that has stripped you of your humanity and made you more cat than man. Try to stand up and open the front door while she’s at work. If you can’t use your hands anymore because your fingertips have fused into place and they only operate as paws now (see dig. 1, below), then try to find an open window and slink out of it. Avoid alpha cat, she will rat you out in a second and make you bleed with her razor sharp claws.

(Dig. 1, your hands turned into sad, useless, declawed paws.)

TEN: When it fails, submit totally and entirely to your fate. Sit in a sunbeam all day and dutifully scamper around the house all night, feeding her figs and fine cheeses. Do not take any of these delights for your own. You did nothing to earn them. You are defeated trash. If she was a pharaoh, you would not be buried with her in her tomb, you would get composed and turned into wheat fertilizer. You are not even good enough to suffocate underground.