How To Use the Word “Lover”
A quick and easy guide for this complex, loaded term
So it’s happened: You have access to the pants parts and maybe even the heart of that cutie you met, but you’re not sure what term to use. Ponder these questions:
- Have you spent weeks together at a secluded Swiss chalet, keeping each other warm with the heat from your hungry bodies?
- Is one of you married to a high-powered businessperson/politician who had ideals, dreams even, but sold them away for the poisoned oats of stability?
- Y’all eat ass?
If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, congratulations: You will be referring to the person you make fuck with as your “lover.” But how do you acclimate to this heaviest of L-bombs?
Try reading these sample sentences aloud in front of the 16th century French mirror you recently acquired at auction.
“My lover and I simply adore toys…and we’re certainly not talking about toys for kids! Although we do on occasion end up…super soaked.”
“My lover has a phobia about honey, for she was a bee in a past life.”
“My lover has a chalice just like that one!”
“Ah, I see you too, have taken a lover. Mayhaps we could go on a double date to Five Guys?”
“Has anyone seen my lover’s dog? Oh. Oh. Oh no. Oh no.”
“I’m looking for a gift for my lover. Where are your business-casual capes?”
“I stole a stingray from the aquarium so my lover could finally taste its tangy flesh.”
“Do you have any extremely weak chains that you could bind me with? I want to trick my lover into thinking I’m strong.”
“I’ve been on the rocks with my lover ever since he referred to Neon Genesis: Evangelion as ‘Japanimation.’”
“My lover and I have recently introduced a third into our lovemaking. Are you familiar with the actor Richard Kind?”
“Make sure you’re careful with that urn — it has my lover’s grandfather’s ashes in it. He was by all accounts a wicked man, but always kind to her. No, put it down! Stop playing football with it! My balcony is no kind of end zone!”
“Do you like these boots? My lover made them for me out of a zoo gorilla that looked at me for too long.”
“I haven’t been to the Opera since my lover and I bought every ticket to a performance of Falstaff during which we made a kind of love known only to God and the creatures at the very bottom of the ocean.”
“I agree to give millennial funnyman Ryland Duncan $50,000. I am saying this out loud and as such have made a legally binding contract — no takebacksies.”
GOTCHA, NERDS!!!!
