Introducing: Fantasy Inanimate Objects

what a roster.

Fantasy sports are dumb. You draft guys from teams that you don’t like and then yell at them through your television when they underperform and cost you money. For $100 bucks, you can yell at me all you want while I sit on the couch, neglecting to do my laundry for the week. Or you can pay The Shocker and yell at them on Twitter for publishing this article when you were expecting something good.

You want to know how to spend your time in a more productive manner, still feel the same excitement and pain that you feel in fantasy sports, and brag about your accomplishments while cursing your failures on social media? Of course you do.

Introducing: FANTASY INANIMATE OBJECTS!

Play from the office, play from home, play from the bathroom, play from the coffee shop that your girlfriend sends you to when she needs her space. PLAY FROM ANYWHERE!

The concept is simple; gather your friends, acquaintances, homeless people (they’re easy opponents unless you pick the wrong homeless person), and the person in the car next to you and start drafting inanimate objects.

Drafting is only 18% of the fun. Once you draft your team of ten inanimate objects, that’s when the other 61% of the fun begins. START USING AND DESTROYING THE OBJECTS!

If you drafted a pencil, make sure you’re using a pencil for all your writing. If your opponent drafted a computer, make sure you destroy your own computer and every computer you come across so your opponent loses points. The more creative and thorough the destruction, the more points you are awarded. Tossing your computer high in the air and letting it smack on concrete is good, but opening the computer up and smashing all of the components after drilling holes through the screen is worth far more.

The Guys will be really impressed by this

This is where the final 21% of the fun comes in. TAKE PICTURES AND SHARE THEM! You aren’t awarded any points if no one knows what you did. You’re not exactly the most trustworthy person in the world so why should I believe you when you say that you sat in 20 different chairs for five hours today? I just met you in line at the drug store. I can’t trust you. I NEED PROOF!

Now, you won’t look like such a douche when you post pictures of your food or your car or your new high tech gadget. You’ll be racking up fantasy points and encouraging the rest of your league to demolish those items.

BUT THERE’S 72% MORE FUN! If you destroy the item that your opponent took a picture of, you get BONUS POINTS! So, if you’re the homeless person that somehow has a camera phone with working internet, and you see that your opponent has taken a picture of himself taking a nap on his ninth round pick couch, just break into his house and tear into that couch with your fifth round pick knife. Doing so will be the equivalent of having Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski on your team when Brady throws three touchdown passes to Gronk in the same game. EXCEPT YOU DID THE WORK!

Fantasy Inanimate Objects is free to play, promotes interpersonal relationships, is a great form of activity, and is 10% safer than wandering the streets looking for Pokemon. So, what are you waiting for? PLAY FANTASY INANIMATE OBJECTS TODAY!