JEFF SESSIONS WEEK: Jeff Sessions' Children, Ranked In Order of How Successfully They’ve Hunted Me
Sam, Dawndra-Ann, Zephyr…
Sorry if you thought there was going to be a better intro than this, it’s just a list.
6. SAM SESSIONS
Like his father before him, Sam is a practicing lawyer. Jeff once lovingly recounted an anecdote on the floor of the Senate about his then-tiny son asking him, "Papa, some day, can I make sure lots of black people go to jail for almost no reason?" Despite this anecdote’s inherent power, the Allow-Little-Boys-To-Be-Lawyers Act failed to gain bipartisan support and Sam had to go to law school and everything. A somewhat capable attorney but a clumsy and gullible hunter. Tried to throw a weighted net on me that he ended up tripping and falling into.
5. CAILYNE SESSIONS
Cailyne, like most of her family, is professionally white but earns money on the side as the owner of a candle shop on Birmingham. The candles are unscented and irregular in size and she eats most of them. A very avant garde hunter who kept pulling live, stray cats out of a bag, snapping them in half, and throwing them at me.
4. DAWNDRA-ANN SESSIONS
A proud member of the Order of Aeliar, a secret society that rules Alabama through dark sexual magick and couponing. She has nine children, all named Seeker. She was an efficient, if artless, hunter and managed to slice my toes clean off. She didn’t attempt to get the rest of my feet so I assume the toes were for a ritual.
3. MILLIUS PSYGA SESSIONS
Alabama’s Orphan Catcher General and a professor of orphan catching studies. He was the wild child of the Sessions clan growing up, once infamously smoking a marijuana cigarette with his youth pastor. He has since straightened up and provided the great state of Alabama with over 700 orphans to toil in the state’s many government run sodium mines. Captured me while I was on a road trip to explore the American South and my sexuality. While he abducted me more effectively than anyone else on the list, he loses points for letting me live and escape the mines.
2. DR. LEAH-JEAN SESSIONS
Dr. Sessions, known also as the Butcher of Birmingham, holds the state record for most malpractice suits. What she lacks in surgical talent she makes up for in scientific curiosity. She stalked me for seven blocks before running me over with her car. I was then taken back to her operation room where she removed my legs and replaced them with those of a goat. My own legs were added to something she calls “The Friend,” a huge wriggling mass of human legs. Staring through the mass of getaway sticks I managed to observe a single, whispering mouth.
1. ZEPHYR SESSIONS
Technically a distant descendant of the Sessions clan, Zephyr comes from the 28th century when discrimination based on race, religion, and sexual orientation is nearly unknown and all of humanity is joined together to slaughter each other in the Glorydome for the amusement of our overlords, the Xynta Federation. Zeph, as dread champion of the dome, was allowed one request from the Xynta’s Prime System Lord. He wished to travel back in time and become history’s greatest murderer. He cornered me in the bathroom at Arby’s and removed my soul from my body to forge into his twin nightmare axes. Even now, writing this, I can feel the lives he is ending. If you are reading this please, make for the ocean. You are only safe on the open seas.
