JEFF SESSIONS WEEK: The Attorney General is a D&D Elemental
Which plane of unearthly existence, exactly, does this creature hail from?
With Jeff Sessions, Donald Trump, and the entire Republican apparatus in the news so much recently, heart-stopping scoops, drips, tick-tocks and other assorted news reveals have become expected daily fodder. Oh, Paul Ryan ate this (a capybara), it turns out Sean Spicer kissed that (your mom), it’s all very horrifying and relentless.
But there’s one reveal you aren’t prepared for. None of us were. We have the exclusive story on Jeff Sessions, an actual, literal Elemental. He’s not just any physical incarnation of one of the core essences of our universe, either. He’s a high-level Elemental of the most dire variety, and we here at The Shocker have all the details.
How such a horrible and disgraced man could rise the ranks in federal governance has remained a question for a long time. He was deemed too racist to be a federal judge in the 1980s, a time period in which every movie released featured an old Asian man with hazy mystical powers. He’s not even like, handsome. Don’t kiss Jeff Sessions! His perseverance and virulence are easily explained, though, once we crack open a couple Monster Manuals. Putting the pieces together has taken months, but we finally have all the evidence we need, as well as that copy of Monster Manual II from 1983 that took forever to ship.
There are a few telltale signs of Elementals that one picks up over years of exposure to the thrilling world of Dungeons & Dragons. While many would tell you that it’s nothing but a fantasy leisure activity and a waste of hours at a time, the more experienced out there see it for what it truly is: a taxonomy of ghouls and goblins. It is with this meticulous encyclopedia that the first cracks in Mr. Sessions’ human disguise are brought to light.
Elementals are mostly non-sapient beings, often summoned to fulfill tasks or more likely do battle. They hail from their respective elemental planes, such as the Plane of Earth, Plane of Water, etcetera. Those that have what we can recognize as thoughts see our world with single-minded devotion to their alien ideals. Jeff Sessions and his relentless devotion to punishing the poor and deconstructing the American Project are textbook markers of an evil elemental, and moreover the manual clearly shows which plane he hails from.
Jeff Sessions will use his own twisted intellect to destroy everything we have built, and will stop at nothing to corrupt and pervert those around him into doing the same. Combine this with the nightmarish visage he has chosen to assume and we are left with only one conclusion. He hails from the Elemental Plane of Fire, and he is in service to Imix, the Prince of Evil Fire Creatures.
Jeff Sessions is an Evil Fire Creature, who controls the United States Department of Justice.
Zaaman Rul, son of Imix and Prince of Good Fire Creatures was available for comment. He spoke to these allegations directly in a rare interview. “There is no doubt that within those horrible beady eyes burns the flame of a Fire Elemental,” Rul confirmed, “We can sense our own, and I sense a consuming flame, a ceaseless hunger to turn all of creation into ash and to invoke foolish humans into their own downfall.” When asked about which type of elemental, Rul told us at The Shocker that “He (Sessions) is clearly not your standard, mindless elemental. He must be of a higher order, […] most likely a Fire Grue, also called a Harginn.
Now that we know not only the origin of Jeff Sessions, but also his fell alliance, we can begin to organize politically with greater purpose. While it may not be possible to expose him as a Grue in a court of law, knowing where his strengths (burning hopes to ash, being made of an ever-burning flame) and weaknesses (water) lie is a powerful tool. Additionally, any attempts to hide his nightmarish form and subservience to the lord of all deceit and flame will likely only hasten his downfall. “It’s always the cover-up, it’s never the crime” is a mantra for investigators and onlookers of the current Republican administration, and we may see that come into play here as this meddlesome ghoul attempts to twist our Judicial corpus into a furnace in which to incinerate the hopes and dreams of people of color.
The Shocker will have further updates when we’ve discovered which Mortal Sin the dank ichor known as Donald Trump is in fealty to.