Peter Thiel, You Are Not Cool, But The SHOCKER Will Say You Are Cool And Work For You For $4,000
We forgive you for being a freaking idiot and paying other idiots to litigate a publication you didn’t like out of its existence. The invisible hand is admirable in its judgment, etc., yes the market’s strength is uhhhh, really good. Muscular and mountable. This is not a fucking macroeconomics website, we don’t believe in that quack malarkey gibberish over here, but whatever you say about money is true. Thank you for beautifully guiding the world with your money. We agree to all that, if you give us $4,000 right away. My friend Luke who is very good at math says that’s like .000002 percent of your overall worth. This publication can be your mouth piece for that much. We will speak exclusively about how cool and sound of mind you are, not at all like you are the poopguy you so clearly are. “Poopguy?” we will say, when everyone asks us why we’ve been bought out by such a smelly turd man who knows nothing. “No, there is no poo-poo man who we work for, only a shining one who holds America’s truth deep in his heart that you can’t understand because it’s such a magnificent modern puzzle.”
$4,000 is all. Otherwise, c’mon man, you are not tight. Don’t even try to come to the Shocker’s annual barbecue, which is vegetarian-friendly for the sake of Corbin Smith, among maybe others — I’m not sure yet, Peter, because we’ve just started this site, I haven’t figured out everyone’s diet yet! But Andrew Crowley is going to breakdance and you will not be able to see that shit at all. Alex Siquig will puke and do the shocker symbol with his hands while everyone tells him not to. You can see these stupendous things if you pay us, but otherwise they’ll happen without you.
And when you’re not around, we’ll talk about how dumb money is, how we’re not very sure that yours validates you, and how we prefer our own tears and vomit by a lot. Unless, of course, you give us $4,000 right away. But the longer you wait, the higher the number will go, and right now it’s only like six cents to you, so I think you should take the deal. Otherwise we won’t be friends with you and we’ll say that your expressions aren’t appropriately severe, that your suits are ill-fitting, that your properties are poorly groomed, that you’re bad at boating and at life. It’s up to you man but you’ve only got a week until the price goes up. Let us know.