PLAYER OF THE WEAK: Jonathon Simmons
Much was made of San Antonio Spurs bench player Jonathon Simmons torching the assumed untorchable Golden State Warriors in their NBA opening night clash this past Tuesday. While we know he’s more than capable of surprising viewers and max players alike with his unexpectedly excellent play — putting up a 20–4–3 line in about 28 minutes — what do we really know about this mysterious bench player?
[Note: The following is sponsored by Chipotle aka Please, We Swear There Isn’t Shit In The Meat, Not Anymore.]
- Is Jonathon Simmons a God-fearing man?
Yes. As a Texan — a Houston man, in fact — Simmons does fear he who is called I AM. He often prays for asteroids not to impact the earth and blast it into fucking smithereens as we its inhabitants rightly deserve, because he believes that we’re capable of better. He also prays for Coach Pop to stop saying fuckwords from the sidelines in frustration over unsuccessful plays, and for his four daughters to not argue over which Andrea Arnold film is the best (it’s obviously Fish Tank, after all).
2. If Jonathon Simmons were any war, which war would he be?
The Korean War. He’s often forgotten, but when remembered, the resultant effect is devastatingly powerful. (However, he bears no prejudice toward Koreans or any other Asian culture. It’s only the ancient Sumerians he can’t stand.)
3. Which of his Spurs teammates does Jonathon Simmons carry murder in his heart for?
By and large, this can be answered by the above response to #1 — as a good and God-fearing man, Jonathon Simmons wishes neither ill will nor violence on any man, including the other 14 players on the Spurs roster.
Most of the time. Sometimes, a whirlwind of rage comes upon him, and it can claim the limbs or lives of any poor fool who gets in his way. Simmons believes that the most likely target of this anger tornado, were it to strike with full force, would be David Lee. The motherfucker won’t stop trying to get him into the new Bon Iver album, no matter how often he shouts, “It’s all weird directionless bullshit after For Emma, Forever Ago, OK? Jeez!”
4. Is Jonathon Simmons angry that there is no H in the first part of his name, or does it make him proud?
He’s of two minds about this. On the one hand, he’s got a double unconventional spelling of his first name because of the even less common O in the third syllable rather than the A. So why not roll with it, make it a point of pride?
But on the other hand, the best known Jons With No H are a motley bunch of uneven quality. I mean right off you’ve got fucking Jon Arbuckle from Garfield, a.k.a. the world’s original cuck. That’s just a load of shit from the outset. And then you have Jon Brion, the orchestral-weirdness cohort of artists from Fiona Apple to Kanye West as well as an ace film composer, and Jon Hamm, perhaps the greatest of all Jons. Shit in one hand, gold in the other. The world of Jons is strange. Jon Lester, Jon Snow and Jon Bernthal, for example, are all interesting in their own way. (Though it’d be fantastic if Lester learned how to make pickoff throws to first, amirite?). And on the worthless side, Arbuckle is accompanied by Jon Leuer (TF were you thinking, Stan Van?), Jon Lovitz (The Critic notwithstanding), Jon Huntsman, Jon Cryer and Jon Bon Jovi (truly the worst thing New Jersey has ever spawned, and my home state has spewed forth a lot of garbage, including me).
So yeah, Jonathon Simmons remains undecided on the name issue.
5. How does Jonathon Simmons like his eggs?
Scrambled and shaped into a beef chili and green salsa omelet, if he’s got the time to go all-out with his breakfast. When in a pinch, Jonathon Simmons is good with a quick scramble plus salt, pepper and a dash of chili powder or Cholula hot sauce — or a bacon, fried egg, cheese and avocado sandwich on an English muffin.
Jonathon Simmons is the way, the truth and the light. Trust him, Spurs fans, for he is of the Hamm class of Jons, not the Arbuckle.
