PLAYER OF THE WEAK: Kelly Olynyk
If there’s one thing Kelly Olynyk is keen to have you believe, it’s that he is a real man and not a composite made of hair swept up at the end of the day at a very busy SuperCuts location.
Kelly Olynyk — can you believe this guy? Being completely made of hair would be one thing, but he’s made up mostly of other people’s hair.
Another thing about ol’ clog-in-the-shower-drain-Olynyk is that he actually prefers short-sleeved jerseys to sleeveless jerseys, if you want to lose your lunch.
But back to him being made of hair. The headband that he wears around “his” head hair? It’s a device used to keep the stolen hair on top of his head. And if it comes off ?—
— LOOK OUT.
Hairball Olynyk can’t walk down the hair products aisle in any drugstore without fearing for his goddamn life. This guy spends more on dry shampoo in a week than the rest of us do on groceries — does he even have a mouth under there? — in a year.
Rat’s-nest Kelly, in an effort to distract people from seeing that he’s entirely made of other people’s hair, once gave himself a black eye so large, so protruding, and so black that it seemed to pulse like the newly forming void of a collapsing sun swallowing itself. Real desperate.
Tattoos? Apparently he’s tried to get a few, but as yet it is impossible to inject ink into stolen hair follicles.
Tweenwolf Olynyk — the most talented bundle of second-person-sourced protein filaments to shoot 41 percent from 3 in the 2015–16 season.
The specifics of alopecia-denier Olynyk’s facial hair are thus: He got ahold of some hot glue — likely at a local craft store’s demonstration on the versatility of pom poms — squeezed a whole stick through the gun double-time, smeared it all across his very long chin, got down on his hands and knees, then gingerly dipped his chin into all the dusty forgotten corners of your apartment. That’s why you see that earring you lost glinting from in there from time to time.
Have you ever smelled Kelly Olynyk after he’s accidentally caught on fire from a candle? DON’T.
Some of the styles in which full-body-sideburn Olynyk prefers to get himself played: Crimping the living hell out of coach’s patience, wigging out when he doesn’t get the call, braiding his long arms around the ankles of your best player as he brings them down in a crashing flagrant, dreading the day he is discovered as ineligible for NBA play because he’s not a man but in fact a sentiment pile of discarded split ends.
Full-body coiffure catastrophe Kelly: Is he assertive? Or is he just made entirely of hair?
When asked to share all the ways in which human-plait Olynyk helped his teammates, new Celtics star center Al Horford got an uncomfortable look on his face and started to involuntarily squirm and itch his neck, turning from side to side, trying to look over his shoulders at his own back. He finally asked an always angelic Amir Johnson, who stood nearby: “Can you check and see if there’s any hair stuck on my collar, tickling me?”
Kelly Olynyk. There’s no wig he wouldn’t eat.
This freaky fibril fool tumbleweeded his way (no real legs, remember?) into a barbershop on the historic Harvard yard [Ed. Katie…] floated into a chair, and built up enough static to crackle the arm of the barber who turned and exclaimed, “WAT AH YA, MAHDE ENTAIAHLEE AH HAYEAH?” [Ed. This stereotyping is disagreeable.]
During the city of Boston’s historic St. Patrick’s Day parade, many local Irish were seen cutting dense, brick-shaped slices out of clog-body Olynyk, to use in lieu of peat to warm their houses.
His goatee, can you just please take a closer look at it?
Lockless monster Olynyk can’t rent convertibles because of the danger it poses to his human passengers when their own lawfully owned hair blows carefree in the breeze and he gets so angry he drives the car off a cliff. Every time!
Deep in the fervor of 2016’s Pokemon Go craze, there was nary a moment when some school-aged child did not have his entire day crushed upon discovering he was not about to catch a Tangela, but had simply snared nobody’s-mane-man Olynyk — late for practice, as usual.
The nicest thing Shaggie Thatchhair (Kelly Olynyk, #41) has ever done is inadvertently provide safe homes for many small migratory birds in the thicket of tangles all over his body.
When it came time for the yearly secret team vote on the new alternate uniforms, Celtics coach Brad Stevens congenially read each ballot back to the team, but in a later interview reported feeling particularly troubled when he had to read “human-sized bonnet” aloud — the author identifiable as shitty Bigfoot Olynyk from the 6-line-S he used. (Is always using.)
Failed human hairstyle Kelly Olynyk is not that chill considering he’s made entirely out of stolen long hair from other extremely “long-hair-don’t-care” types. He can’t shred. Can’t surf. Can’t skate.
You might have thought this was a picture of Olynyk as a child:
When in fact this is:
Don’t be caught in his tangled web of weave! Hair hijacker Kelly Olynyk is a self-made man only in the sense that he’s made himself into the shape of a man using other people’s flyaways. And let’s be blunt — he just can’t make the cut. (Any cut. Because that would kill him.)