Player of the Weak: Malcolm Brogdon
Protector of Milwaukee — and sheep
“Sorry, a waste? A waste!?”
“What do you think’s gonna happen when global warming thaws all that tundra and you’ve got nothing but pasture between Winnipeg and the Arctic Circle? That’s going to be nothing but grazing land. So now who’s wasting time getting dual-certified, Arch Rector Kevin? You dick.”
That there’s an excerpt from a conversation Malcolm Brogdon had with his academic adviser at Southern Hempstead Equine and OvinE Preparatory, where the Milwaukee Bucks rookie point guard spent his summer getting cross-jurisdictionally certified as a shepherd in Canada and Scotland. And I guess that’s a good place to start: Malcolm Brogdon is way into the shepherding game, which you almost definitely didn’t know about him.
Another thing: He is deathly, cripplingly afraid of sheep. He’s a face-your-fears kind of guy.
Some more stuff:
- How old is Malcolm Brogdon?
He is both ageless and the concept of age itself, like that space monster at the end of Doctor Strange. I think he was ageless. I don’t know; I was focused on the goatees and Mads Mikkelsen’s overbite/renaissance. Also, he might be 24. Or 20. I don’t do research for these.
2. What accounting skills does Malcolm Brogdon possess?
The absolute best, you asshole.
3. If Malcolm Brogdon could have three animals as dinner guests, living or dead, who would they be?
His first pick would obviously be the black cat from Coraline because of its powerful magic and mischievous nature. Don’t expect a stall in the conversation when that thing’s warping in and out of space and hitting the other guests with sick burns they have no choice but to enjoy and respect. “Oh, cat. You’re the best,” they’ll all say.
Second would be Babe from the movie Babe, who is dead. For his shepherding tips.
Last but not least he’d pick Babe from the movie Babe: Pig in the City, who is alive. He would ask him how difficult it was to pick up the mantle of history’s greatest pig actor.
4. How seriously does Malcolm Brogdon take the threat of Jeff Foxworthy?
Extremely. Brogdon believes Foxworthy’s stupid Bible game show is worse than AIDS. He finds the other members of the Blue Collar Comedy tour to be “harmless panderers, mostly.”
5. Is Malcolm Brogdon good?
He has uncommon size for the point guard spot, and he’s a knockdown shooter with a knack for getting into the lane despite limited quickness. He’s also a four-year college player, so his potential for development might be a bit more limited than a typical rookie. As a basketball player, he seems pretty good now, but we should manage our expectations for his upward trajectory.
But, like, cosmically speaking, he’s very good. Maybe the best of us.
6. In a Good Son scenario, would Malcolm Brogdon have let Macauley Culkin or Elijah Wood drop off that cliff?
That’s easy: He would have dropped both. Culkin was clearly a sociopath, and Wood was a mincing little wiener. Two birds on that one, he’d say.
