Portions for Turbofoxes: Megatron and Jenny Lewis vs Starscream and Blake Sennett
Megatron and Jenny Lewis need only meet to become best friends. He’s a 4 million-year old political radical turned genocidal tyrant turned pacifist explorer monk; she’s the greatest living singer-songwriter, the voice of a generation, and happens to collect elderly men like they was pocket monsters. They both have their own personal Salieris in Starscream and Blake Sennett, they both have ever-changing but nonetheless iconic looks, and both of them have to take time away somewhere new to figure out their next phase. It is only natural that they would begin this next phase in a luxury apartment in San Diego on loan to them from their mutual friend Ringo Starr. The script below is not a work of fiction, friends. It is a prophecy of the world to come.
INT. LUXURY APARTMENT
JENNY is practicing a new song on her guitar.
JENNY
(Singing)
And you think you’re going to
heaven...and that I am going to
hell...and that I’m gonna keep on
dancing ’till I hear that ringing
bell...BUHHH gonna roll...
She smashes her guitar and throws it on top of a pile of
smashed guitars in the corner.
JENNY (cont’d)
Dang it, what’s gonna roll?
Bananas? No, their shape isn’t
right for it. Cars? No, too
obvious!
MEGATRON walks in.
JENNY (cont’d)
Megs!
MEGATRON
Did you fight...eight guitars?
JENNY
They started it. How was the San
Diego DSA meeting?
MEGATRON
FRUSTRATING. I can certainly see
where they’re coming from. When I
started the Decepticon movement I
was just a miner working month-long
shifts in the nucleon mines of
Tarn. I assumed they would be able
to identify with my struggle and I
with theirs, but when I told them
how I executed the Senate and
overthrew the Functionists, they
all just laughed and told me to go
on Chapo.
JENNY
You gotta understand, human
political action is usually less
direct, our bodies are a lot easier
to break.
MEGATRON
If they wanted me to I could
obliterate all the banks right now.
He slaps the fusion cannon on his arm.
MEGATRON
What do they think this is, a
telescope? Sorry, I came in fuming
with a whole thing, how are you?
JENNY
Oh I’m okay. Having some mad
wretched writer’s block.
MEGATRON
I think you and I are both in need
of...relaxation.
JENNY
Just an hour or two where we
don’t...think, we can just BE.
They inch closer together.
JENNY
I think I’m ready...
MEGATRON
As am I. ACTIVATE THE MONK ENGINE.
JENNY
I think the controller must be
under the couch somewhere...
She looks under the couch.
JENNY
What the heck?
MEGATRON
Jenny, the entire console is
missing.
JENNY
What?! If we don’t have our
PlayStation 4, how are we going to
access Monk and dozens of other
streaming favorites on Amazon
Prime?
MEGATRON
I have had a long day and demand to
be whisked away to a gentle yet
murderous version of San Francisco.
JENNY
Do you know anybody who can, you
know...
MEGATRON
Turn into a PlayStation 4?
Regrettably, no.
JENNY
Who would steal from us, two cuties
who have never done anything wrong?
MEGATRON
Do you hear that?
He puts his ear to the ground.
MEGATRON
It is the song of Monk himself.
JENNY
But how could those guys afford
streaming content? They suck eggs!
INT. HALLWAY
Jenny and Megatron stand outside a door. Megatron knocks
lightly. No response. Jenny kicks the door down, revealing BLAKE SENNETT and STARSCREAM watching Monk on a little TV.
INT. BLAKE AND STARSCREAM’S APARTMENT
BLAKE
Oh hey guys.
Jenny and Megatron walk in, it’s a mess of dirty laundry and
half eaten energon cubes.
JENNY
What the hell, guys?
STARSCREAM
A pleasure to see you as well,
Jennifer.
MEGATRON
Do not hide, as you always do,
behind words and trickery. Return
what is ours and we will leave
peacefully.
BLAKE
We’re just watching some dumb show
that we don’t even like. You guys
can stay if you want? Like I guess
it would be ok if we all hung out,
and I ordered a family style KFC
bucket in Postmates.
JENNY
We know you guys can’t afford
luxuries like a PS4.
BLAKE
Having not sold out, no, we can’t.
’Twas a gift from one of my many
fans.
Megatron charges up his fusion cannon.
MEGATRON
The Night Terrors of 1927 do not
have fans!
JENNY
Hey, hey. He could be talking about
The Elected.
STARSCREAM
No, it was a Night Terrors of 1927
fan. She had normal hair and a lot
of clothes.
BLAKE
She proposed to me but I’m a volcel
now so it would never work out. The
PS4 was her parting gift.
JENNY
What was her name?
BLAKE
I would be happy to tell you her
name.
STARSCREAM
Telling you her name would be free
and easy.
BLAKE
And the name of her was of course
Gina.
STARSCREAM
Corn.
BLAKE
Gina Corn.
STARSCREAM
I’ll call her on the phone RIGHT
NOW if you want.
JENNY
That’s fine. No problem. Hope you
guys have fun watching Monk.
BLAKE
We’ll try, the main actor is really
bad.
Megatron fires at Starscream, clipping his right wing.
MEGATRON
If you disrespect Tony Shalhoub again I will peel you both like apples.
Jenny and Megatron leave.
INT. LUXURY APARTMENT, LATER
There is a knock on the door. Megatron opens the door and
Starscream enters.
STARSCREAM
Where are my hands?!
MEGATRON
Hm?
Starscream waves his stump arms angrily.
STARSCREAM
My hands! Have been! STOLEN!
We pan to Jenny, sitting on a couch clearly made of
Starscream’s hands.
JENNY
Wow. That’s rough.
MEGATRON
Perhaps it was Gina Corn. I hear
she has a criminal record.
JENNY
That’s probably why she was
interested in Blake. She just
wanted to get close enough to steal
your hands.
STARSCREAM
Gina Corn isn’t—
They stare at him.
STARSCREAM (cont’d)
—the kind of person who would do
this!
Jenny puts her hand on Starscream’s stump.
JENNY
If I’ve learned anything from Monk,
it’s that anyone can commit a crime
with the right motive.
Starscream walks out like a pissy little lord.
INT. BLAKE AND STARSCREAM’S APARTMENT
A knock on the door. Starscream, who now has hands made out
of a bunch of barbecue tongs held together with bungee
cords, opens it to reveal Megatron, whose signature helmet
is gone. His metal hair is a beautiful red pompadour. Jenny
is sitting on his shoulder like a parrot.
JENNY
We were even. Blood for blood. Does
escalating a conflict with a man
famous for waging a four million
year long war and the writer of “My
Pet Snakes” seem wise to you?
STARSCREAM
Why, I have no idea what you’re
talking about!
MEGATRON
Return my helmet before one of us
ends up turning this planet into an
irradiated hellscape.
STARSCREAM
Blake, have we seen a helmet
anywhere?
We pan to Blake, taking a bath in Megatron’s helmet.
BLAKE
Nah man, we’re not really hat guys.
MEGATRON
What have you done?
BLAKE
Anybody wanna get in here with me?
I’m about to turn the jets on.
JENNY
Man, Megatron’s husband gave him
that helmet.
Megatron sheds a single tear.
MEGATRON
Terminus...
JENNY
I hope you’re proud of yourselves.
They leave.
INT. LUXURIOUS APARTMENT
Megatron and Jenny are playing twister when Blake storms in.
BLAKE
Over a helmet?!
He throws a chair at Megatron.
BLAKE (cont’d)
Are we nothing to you? Does it not
enter into your mind that our lives
are real, that they matter?
JENNY
Dude, what’s up?
BLAKE
MY PARENTS WERE INCINERATED, JENNY.
JENNY
What?
BLAKE
Over a PlayStation 4. And a helmet.
Both of which can be replaced! Did
you...did you help him, Jenny?
MEGATRON
Blake, I’m sorry, I had nothing to
do with this.
BLAKE
I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR COY BULLSHIT
RIGHT NOW.
JENNY
Blake, we’ve been playing twister
all day on our very popular Twitch
stream.
MEGATRON
Blake, I’m so sorry.
BLAKE
Who...who incinerated my parents...
Megatron scoops Blake up into his hand and pets him as you
might a nervous dog.
MEGATRON
Time is merciless and takes
everything from us, but take heart
in knowing that it does not
discriminate. It will take your
pain as well.
JENNY
Now, I really hate to do this, but
our Twitch subscribers are paying
for genial banter and surprising
displays of flexibility and I don’t
think that’s something you can
offer us or them right now.
Megatron sets Blake down outside.
INT. BURGER KING
Jenny and Megatron are looking at the menu. Megatron is
wearing a new helmet with a slightly sportier cut to communicate that he is ready for romance again.
JENNY
This is just the thing to get my
mind off my intolerably whack
writer’s block, great idea.
MEGATRON
What are you going to get?
JENNY
I think I’m gonna get that long
chicken sandwich. You ever had
that?
MEGATRON
No.
JENNY
It’s like, maybe this is just me, but
it’s like eating the feeling of
being 12 years old and hanging out
in a parking lot and thinking it’s
really fucking cool. That’ll fix me good.
What are you gonna get?
MEGATRON
Do they have energon?
JENNY
What’s energon?
MEGATRON
What’s — Jenny, I only eat energon.
It comes in liquid and cube forms.
JENNY
Oh is that the glowing jello in the
fridge?
MEGATRON
Yes.
JENNY
You should get an icee, it’s kind
of a similar deal.
Starscream walks up to them with a stack of fliers.
STARSCREAM
Oh heyyyy guys what’s uuuuup?
JENNY
Just gettin’ ready to burg down,
what about you?
STARSCREAM
Ohhhh not muuuch, just passing out
fliers for me and Blake’s baaaand.
MEGATRON
You guys started a band?
STARSCREAM
Yeah, the other guys in the Night
Terrors of 1927 joined the coast
guard so me and Blake have a duo
now.
JENNY
What venue would have you two
kuh-nuckle heads?
STARSCREAM
Why, none other than the San Diego
Zoo!!
He hands her and Megatron fliers.
MEGATRON
Broken Tractor?
STARSCREAM
I suggested Blake and Starscream’s
Rock and Roll Band but apparently
that was too "on the nose." You
know creative types. But we’re
really, we’re sorry this whole
thing with the pranks got so out of
hand. I’ll put you on the guest
list. If you want to come, love to
see ya, if not, totally get it. You
two have a good day. You
have...such a good day.
Starscream walks away to hand out more fliers.
JENNY
Hmmm.
MEGATRON
Hmmm.
INT. BLAKE AND STARSCREAM’S APARTMENT
Jenny and Megatron enter, laughing.
MEGATRON
A tactical blunder only Starscream
could make, letting us know exactly
when they’d be out of the house.
Activate the Monk Engine!
Jenny turns on the PS4. She clicks around.
JENNY
Uhhh… Megatron, the Amazon Prime app
is gone.
MEGATRON
What?!
JENNY
Yeah, it looks like they deleted
everything to make room for video
games.
MEGATRON
Video what?
JENNY
I’m sorry, dude.
MEGATRON
I have lost so much in this life.
You would think I would be used to
it.
JENNY
We will have vengeance, friend. And
I think I know just what to do...
INT. SAN DIEGO ZOO
Jenny and Megatron, dressed as zookeepers with big Italian mustaches, walk toward a big stage.
JENNY
Do it.
Megatron melts a metal gate with his fusion cannon and
quickly forges the molten iron into two crosses and a set of nails. Jenny aims a weighted net launcher at the stage.
BLAKE
We are Broken Tractor, and this, my
children...is rock and roll the way
it’s meant to be played!!
Blake and Starscream start playing music that sounds the way
a divorced dad looks. The crowd goes wild!
MEGATRON
Can you get a clear shot? There’s
so many dweebs in the crowd...
JENNY
Maybe I was wrong...
MEGATRON
What do you mean?
JENNY
I mean, look at how much fun all
those dweebs are having. If we took
this away, wouldn’t we be just like
Blake and Starscream taking Monk
away from us?
MEGATRON
To stay your hand when vengeance is
this close...it is admirable.
JENNY
Don’t get too teary-eyed. I have a
plan for revenge that’s a little more
private.
EXT. HALLWAY
Jenny and Megatron stand outside Blake and Starscream’s
apartment.
BLAKE
Oh, hey guys.
JENNY
How was the show?
STARSCREAM
Oh, so fun!
MEGATRON
We were there at the start but we
left after we decided not to
crucify you.
STARSCREAM
…Thank you?
BLAKE
I’m glad we can put all this
nastiness behind us. It was really
awful of us to steal your PS4. So,
to make up for it, me and
Starscream picked this up on the
way home.
Blake hands them a box. Megatron unwraps it and squeals.
MEGATRON
Jenny, it’s the whole series on
DVD! The complete Monk!
JENNY
Wow, that’s...genuinely very nice
of you.
BLAKE
I don’t know why we did it. Maybe
we were just jealous of all the fun
we heard you guys having. But I
want us to be friends again. Now,
to enter my apartment and get some
well-deserved rest.
STARSCREAM
You said it!
JENNY
Wait, no!
Blake and Starscream walk in and are immediately attacked by
tigers.
BLAKE
(Off camera)
Ahhh! Oh God!
STARSCREAM
(Off camera)
How are they stronger than me?!
MEGATRON
We shouldn’t have given the tigers
all that cocaine.
Starscream’s severed head rolls out.
STARSCREAM
We came to you...in friendship…
Jenny snaps her fingers.
JENNY
That’s it! Heads! HEADS gonna roll.
Perfect! The perfect chorus for my next perfect song!
She and Megatron run off.
STARSCREAM
Why haven’t I died?
FADE TO BLACK
