Sex Moves To Try Before Summer Ends
Summer is almost over, and hopefully you’ve been completely drunk on the flesh of your lover. Have you maybe even been having so many orgasm contests that you’re bored of it? If this is the case, feel free to use these incredible sex tricks to impress your nude friend enough that they won’t leave your ass come September!
Read carefully. This is your only chance.
If your lover has a penis, put it in your mouth but pretend like you don't know it's there and just start talking about your day.
Go to another room and, while still within earshot of your lover, fake a phone call from your doctor telling you that you will die if you have sex again, so you have to save the last time you have sex for someone you truly love and whose ass you simply have to go nuts on.
When you are brought to orgasm, pretend you came so hard it gave you amnesia and you can only regain your memories through kissing!
If you and your lover are into cuckolding, give them a special treat by making them watch you have sex with beloved character actor Elliot Gould.
Shave your pubes and get a tattoo there that says "sex makes me seriously horny." When your pubes grow back, ask your lover to shave them so they can see this erotic sentiment.
If you have a vagina, fill it up with those bobas they have at bubble tea places that are filled with juice and pop in your mouth before receiving oral sex. If your lover is confused instead of even hornier than ever (unlikely) just say that you menstruate in a really fun way.
Hire John Williams and his orchestra to score your lovemaking live.
Go to a hotel with your lover and cover your nude bod in cereal and weird little muffins. Shout "it's time for your continental fuckfest!" If they are concerned about crumbs in the bed instead of laughing and horny, you accidentally took a nerd as your lover.
Tell your lover you want to have a dinner of raw ham and then bite their ass as hard as you can.
If you prolapse (happens to the best of us) don't let it spoil the mood - just announce that the Pleasure Gopher is now in play!
If you and your lover both have penises, put wigs, googly eyes, and little costumes on them and re-enact My Dinner with Andre in its entirety, except with a new scene at the end where they barf sperm on each other.
If you are having group sex, make sure you apologize to God for your greed afterwards.
If you and your partner are engaging in water sports, make sure you drink plenty of Methylene Blue to give your piss a beautiful sapphire color, communicating to your partner that this piss is too special to waste on a toilet.
Dress up as your lover but with old-age make-up and say that you're here from the future to change the past by going apocalypto on your own ass.
Talk dirty in the third person. For example, “Show Diana the secrets in your underwear,” or “Put this jar of honey inside Diana,” or “Diana is going to ruin the bed now!!”
If you and your lover are both furries, hire a community theater actor to pose as a big game hunter to add an element of danger and urgency to your crazed yiffing.
If you have a vagina, tape a prank joy buzzer to your g-spot and if your partner doesn't get a li'l shock, kick 'em to the curb buddy!!!!!
If you do not have a sex partner but would like one, go to a bar and talk loudly about how you're a famous foreign actor researching the role of the world's most powerful fuck maniac.
Tape clear rubber gloves filled with honey to your body and announce to your lover that you have begun Second Puberty.
Take your lover to a demolition derby and coyly allude to a pastfling with Truckasaurus to drive them into a jealous sex rage/potential threesome with Truckasaurus.
If your lover is scheduled to have their butthole removed in September by a doctor because of Crohn's disease or religious reasons, host a lavish farewell party for their anus. We're talking news crews from all the major networks, celebrity Tuesday, gourmet catering, and Bette Midler singing "We'll Meet Again" into your lover's gaping wide hole.
