STEVE BANNON WEEK: Steve Bannon Is Donald Trump’s Brain Tumor Given Human Form

The skin is the window to the soul.

There has been widespread speculation about the reasons for Donald Trump’s erratic and aggressive behavior, with some psychologists going so far as to diagnose him with malignant narcissism.

Thanks to a mole deep within the administration, The Shocker has stumbled across some top-secret, HIPAA-violating information that will blow the doors off this terrible mess, and finally explain both Trump’s wildly unpresidential behavior and Bannon’s Sith-like control over The Donald’s mind.

But before we drop this medical truth-bomb, we have to go back in time — all the way to 2011, when Trump was promoting the widely discredited theory that then-President Barack Obama was not born in the United States. As all this was going on, Trump was frequently heard complaining about terrible headaches, and his associates noticed a shift in his demeanor, infantile patterns in his speech, and bizarre trains of thought that could not be derailed or reasoned against. Many suspect that decades of experimental hair-loss treatments had caught up with Trump, the slew of cremes and ointments finally crossing the blood-brain barrier and infecting his mind with FDA-forbidden chemical compounds. But when they finally convinced him to see the pediatrician, their worst fears were confirmed — Trump had a brain tumor the size of a golf ball, right on the Columbus Node of his amygdala. It had been in him for years, even since his tabloid-fueled ascent in the 1980s, but was only now beginning to metastasize. The doctor gave him a red lollipop and six months to live.

Note: This is just a computer simulation. Trump’s brain is much, much, much smaller.

Afraid of losing his hair in chemotherapy, Donald Trump sought a second opinion from Richard Merlock, the wizard/shaman who heals all rich people. Those close to the situation confirm that Trump went to Merlock’s ranch in Wyoming for two weeks, and returned with a small bandage on the back of his skull, with no memory of where he had been or what century he lived in. At the same time, a shadowy, gin-soaked figure started maneuvering through the back channels and underbelly of American media — a “man” we know today as Stephen K. Bannon.

Merlock also makes house calls, so long as your house is a castle.

Merlock refuses to comment, but we know via FOIA requests that he’s frequently treated patients with similar tumors with a spell called Pinocchiocycline, which causes the tumors to split off from the main body and become “real boys.” Usually, the former tumors end up being harmless members of society — like Pauly Shore — but in this case, something went terribly wrong. The circumstances were just right to produce a monster of unparalleled evil, and due to Bannon’s intimate past with Trump, he is uniquely poised to control the president’s mind.

The only hope we have for our country is to excise this cancer and its former host from the White House. This goes beyond politics, and has become a matter of public health. Exposure to their policies has been proven to produce insanity and rage in a huge sample of the populace. Please help stop this potential pandemic and avoid all contact with Bannon. Otherwise, you’ll run the risk of contracting what scientists call Ersatz-Nazi Barfly-Wifebeater Syndrome, named after its discoverers, the Belgian pathologists Julian Ersatz-Nazi and Stefan Barfly-Wifebeater.

God help us all.