STEVE BANNON WEEK SPECIAL REPORT: BANNON RESHUFFLES PRIORITIES IN CHANGING WHITE HOUSE
According to sources in the Trump administration, since the inauguration, many White House aides have spent much of their work hours massaging the skin of White House chief strategist and Arch Magus Steve Bannon.
Staffers apply creams and poultices composed of halogens, slimes, and petroleum and spend several a day precisely deoxygenating water for his submergence tank. Sources say that Bannon, 63, must return to this warmed chamber whenever the Lunar Cycle wanes.
The former executive chairman of Breitbart has wasted no time in redirecting significant White House resources toward sustaining his existence on our plane of existence. With almost all of the new administration’s communication and record-keeping being channeled through the flame of the eternal black lantern in his office chambers, located deep beneath the surface of the Earth, the bureaucracy and paperwork that most D.C. staffers are used to has been replaced, wholesale, with grinding, day-and-night intense physical labor necessary to maintain the existence of the ungodly, white nationalist, slime-devouring Thrall of The Ancient Worm and newly appointed National Security Counciler, Bannon. He needs round-the-clock attention just to maintain a concrete physical form in a world such as ours, which is ruled by life and the laws of nature.
One staffer, who spoke to The Shocker on the condition of anonymity, was taken aback by his new orders: “When I came to the White House, I thought I’d be helping to draft language for executive orders and managing interdepartmental communications.” Instead, the staffers have found themselves spending 12–16 hours a day keeping the Lord strategist’s skin covered in a precise layer of liquid bromine. “That bromine evaporates so quickly, and unless Saturn is exalted, the radiation from our Sun and Moon will rapidly transform his physical body into a deadly toxic vapor. Which would be hard enough already if you didn’t need to have a fever of at least 100.5 degrees to see him with the naked eye. I can’t even take a sick day anymore, because he ‘finds human disease inspiring’ and says that it is ‘an essential part of the process to be in close proximity to human suffering.’”
“Without knowing the true name of the Ancient Worm, I simply cannot defy its will.” The Source proceeded to recoil from our reporter as if hearing some terrible noise, and began to weep and beg for forgiveness, frantically professing their loyalty as they foamed at the mouth, from which the screams of thousands could be heard. Their eyes melted away like shapes in a waterfall and the flame that writhed behind them seemed to drink in the light from the rest of the room, the shadowy black flames lapping around the empty eye sockets with a sudden gust of air that was as cold as ice. As the source tore the clothes off their backs and writhed on the floor, words could be seen drawn down their back with jagged lacerations that were carved from within, reading “The gate is burning.”
Another source, who identified themselves as “The Offering,” was more positive about the day-to-day changes at the White House. “I think there’s a lot more excitement around here in general,” the young, energetic and gelded intern said, beaming with triumph.
“It’s not just politics as usual. People around here used to just be interested in climbing the ladder towards party leadership, but now everyone’s main goal is to be a chosen as a vessel for Bannon’s next brood of eggs. It’s a very exciting time!” He then excused himself to “enter the Chamber of Soil” and added, “He’s just a natural leader!”
