Team Dreams: The Dallas Mavericks
Fuck you. Dirk’s Still Here.
I know, I know, I know. You’re reading whatever The Shocker is and you’re expecting some abstract, meta-preview of the Mavs that features me making way too many jokes about Mark Cuban being John Hammond from Jurassic Park and Harrison Barnes saying “Not the Momma!” because Dirk’s a German dinosaur. But somewhere between the start of free agency and whatever your expectations are, the Mavs made some moves. Some slick business moves, man. Some “Get Jerry Maguire on the phone, because Mark Cuban is a playah-moves,” maaaaan.
The Mavericks, much as you want to write them off as “extinct” because #DirkDinosaur jokes or something, keep on evolving like the festering, dino-egg-devouring mammals of the late Cretaceous. Quasi-Donald Trump instigator/host of the Shark Tank, Mark Cuban, in his spare time has routinely found the energy, wherewithal and money to remake the Mavs on the fly when big-ticket free agency efforts have gone sideways, see: DeAndre Jordan, the pursuit of virtually every big name in free agency since 2012 or so. I would love to sit here and tell you how much I dislike Mark Cuban but I can’t. Truth be told, I respect the hell out of Cuban for working so hard to keep a great player like Dirk and a great coach like Rick Carlisle in contention for this long while basically being forced to fly blind routinely in the draft and free agency. Cuban once again proved his, well, not “brilliance,” but, let’s say, “mad improv skillz” this off-season by pulling the Bogut-Barnes rabbit out of the hat while everyone was (rightfully) gawking at Kevin Durant signing with the Dubs.
What of that generational talent known as Dirk? He’s back for another go and he’s still not even making tired-ass cliches about “hauling ass to Lollapalooza.” No, instead Dirk’s just quietly just keeping things real. Real ’90s that is! If you haven’t heard, all these other old guys like Kobe, Tim Duncan and the physical manifestation of man’s futility against cosmic atrophy, Kevin Garnett, all did the decent thing and retired this year. You didn’t know that? You can verify this information on www.wikipedia.org
Dirk didn’t retire, he’s still playing basketball and everyone in the media will not let you forget that. But what you really shouldn’t forget? Dirk averaged 21 points and 6 boards per 36 last year at the age of 37. 37. He’s the best and watching him has consistently been a delight and it will still be a delight to watch his Creamsicle-sweet jumper this season because unlike the aforementioned broken cravens, he’s not retired.
Meanwhile, Andrew Bogut gives Carlisle the bruising and capable post presence he’s been looking for since the departure of Tyson Chandler. Mind you, Rick Carlilse was doing just fine, thank you very much, with the likes of fantasy-basketball journeymen such as Ian Mahinimi, Samuel Dalembert and a bargain bin Tyson Chandler in 2015, but Bogut? He’s gonna be like Men’s Wearhouse for the Mavs because they’re all “gonna like the way they look. I guarantee it.” {editor’s note: do you not like that joke, Men’s Wearhouse? Pay us $328 and you’ll never see it again}
As for Harrison “2016 Rio Olympics Human Victory Cigar” Barnes? Shit, I dunno, are you the sort of person who throws away half of a pizza just because you left it on the counter overnight? Barnes is gonna be fine … probably. Between him and Wesley Matthews Dallas has one extremely good, if streaky, guard. But if Matthews shows even more improvement and return-to-form in his second post-Achilles career, he and Barnes could cause some seriously unpleasant mismatches. Particularly if Carlisle gets “wacky” and throws them both out at the same time as a backcourt and forces Western Conference foes to contend with this unsustainable-but-imminently-entertaining prospect of grimy defense and “better than okay” shooting coming from dudes who are super-tall and rangy and just fast enough to be a pain for normal-sized point and shooting guards to get around. I dunno, I’m just spitballin’ but that delirium of a backcourt, plus Bogut and JJ Barea and Deron Williams and the wheelbarrow of spare parts Mark Cuban got for free from the county dump sure seems like it could contend for a lower-tier playoff …Oh, I forgot about Dirk.
So, quietly the Mavericks have once again rebuilt around a generational talent who has shown no real sign of slowing, save for a decrease in usage. Andrew Bogut, Deron Williams (OR JJ Barea), Dirk Nowitzki, Harrison Barnes and Wesley Matthews is one of the more appealing rosters you could draw up on a cocktail napkin at 12:03 a.m. on July 4th, 2016 and that’s basically what Mark Cuban did.
Will the Mavs win the title? Yeah, of course not. Neither will you! Will they be a highly entertaining team that will compete for a playoff berth yet again in the woolly Western? You know it. And that’s okay. Until Mark Cuban starts taking the NBA Draft more seriously, or until Dirk retires this is the holding pattern Dallas is in and most any franchise would love a ceiling like this holding pattern. If you don’t believe than ask folks in Sacramento, Detroit, Philadelphia, Brooklyn or Orlando how their past six years have been.
In the meantime, stop being greedy, little piggy. Sit back and watch Dirk operate.
