Teaming It and Dreaming It: The Charlotte Hornets
Michael Jordan is a cannibal.
I was told to write about the Charlotte Hornets for Website like seven months ago and I forgot to do it because I got really into pad thai. The Hornets have to play basketball against a deer (?) soon and that seems precarious seeing as they are a bunch of guys Michael Jordan yells at and a male deer is a monster of cartilage that, if it learned whatever the rules of basketball are, must be more fearsome than any human basketball player. It seems like since the last time I wrote about them a lot of them got fired or died. Maybe Michael Jordan ate them? He seems like a guy who would have a taste for human flesh. Rich, amoral, loves knowing he defeated somebody.
Here are some Hornets:
Dwayne Bacon
This guy's name sounds like a name you would give somebody in witness protection if you wanted the mob to figure out what was up pretty quick. In his Wikipedia pic he is dunking but also kinda holding another guy's hand. The guy is wearing different basketball clothes so I think they are enemies. This is sweet! Two people in a system where they are made to be enemies, finding a way to celebrate each others’ strength. This will be comfort to him, in the end.
Nicholas Batum
This guy has been on the team a while, so he has probably either got some remarkable meat or more likely he has helped Michael Jordan at his year-end Feast of Animus, where he eats the hearts of his strongest players. How many people has Nicholas built friendships with just so they wouldn't think twice when he they saw him take out the ceremonial Monstarr Blade?
Treveon Graham
Treveon has been on the team for a year, so he's starting to wonder where his old basketball pals from last year have gone. He has questions. Why has Michael put him on a diet of only crab meat and wine? Why can't he remember falling asleep at night or waking up in the morning? He'll be cooling down after a big practice and suddenly he's eating his morning crab legs and champagne. He'll know soon, I fear.
Dwight Howard
This is a main guy of basketball, and I'm sure a huge get for the team. My guess is he was secretly sent by NBA mayor Adam Silver to investigate all the disappearances. If Michael has his way, he'll be dining on Dwight Confit at the All Star Game, nobody any the wiser.
Frank Kaminsky
Another longer term player, Frank has only remained on the team because Michael Jordan is still brainstorming the witty thing he will say when he pushes him into his hot dog machine but hardly anybody calls hot dogs "franks" anymore so he's been eating a lot of them since 2015 and pointedly referring to them as such during team meetings but he's still not sure it's gonna land. Could make it to 2018.
Michael Kidd-Gilchrist
Unfortunately, he has been benched for the season after injuries from an experimental procedure he was pressured to get by Michael to boost his "basketball enzymes." It was, in reality, a procedure to give his blood a tangier flavor.
Mangok Mathiang
Mangok has a terrific look, which is why Michael is going to have his head preserved and placed upon his Scepter of the Unspeakable along with Sammy Sosa and Billie Jean King’s.
Johnny O'Bryant III
Blackmailed into joining the team because Michael Jordan kidnapped his father and grandfather. He thinks that if he does a good enough job playing they will be freed, little does he know he himself is being prepared as part of an intergenerational horror turducken.
Marcus Paige
He was hired by Michael Jordan as a shooting guard, which he assumed he meant in a basketball way. A fact he reflects on during long nights at Jordan Manor, assembling and disassembling his tranquilizer gun, a special mixture of ketamine and habanero like dressing contained in the darts.
Julyan Stone
Julyan has not seen the sun in weeks. He is kept in a sense deprivation tank for 12 hours a day and a a similar tank half filled with Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce the other 12. All day he chants his own name. At first to keep himself sane, to remind himself that Michael Jordan cannot take his mind and his soul away. Now it is because he cannot remember how to say anything else.
Kemba Walker
Kemba has been on the hornets since 2011. He has the full picture of what is going on. He has seen Michael Jordan using uniform shirts as a bib, he has dined on the flesh of men who trusted him. In a way he is more evil than his cannibal boss. Michael Jordan, at the very least, is insane. Kemba decided, of sound mind and body, that he would gladly see other men die so he could live in like a pretty good Charlotte suburb.
Malik Monk
Malik was born in 1998, which is the worst thing I've ever heard.
Cody Zeller
Cody, having been on the team since 2013, would be the second most complicit person on the team, but he straight up hasn't figured it out. MJ has drunk savory honey wine from the skulls of men he knew in front of Cody and he was just like "wow that's a kooky cup!" Cody's main hobby is going to the Carl's Jr website.
Jeremy Lamb
You basically get what this one's gonna be, cmon
Michael Jordan
What can be said about Michael Jordan that hasn't been desperately howled by an "escapee" who didn't realize he was only set loose so MJ's guests could witness a human murder with their own eyes? He is simply not a very kind person at all.
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