Team’s Dreams: the Charlotte Hornets Are The #1 Basketball Team For Us
Michael Jordan’s strange experiment is set to reach its terrifying end
I have been asked to write a preview of the Charlotte Hornets for the coming Basketball Season. I will be honest, I know close to nothing about basketball, but no matter how much I tell my editor this he just keeps e-mailing me a picture of a gun and every time he sends it it's pointed more and more toward the camera. I am aware of the tendency of Big Nerds like myself to be reductive when speaking of basketball out of a desire to make things we don't understand small & easy to shoo away. I do not want to do you, the good-hearted sports writing consumer, dirty in this way. In the spirit of full disclosure, here is everything I know about basketball:
You get points for throwing the basketball in to the hoop. The cool way to do it is called dunking. Everybody on the team seems to have their own job, but I think they are all allowed to throw it in the hoop if they end up with the ball. The amount of points you get varies based on how good you threw the ball or maybe from where you are standing, and you lose points if you break a rule.
Michael Jordan was the main basketball player, but now it is LeBron James. Michael Jordan had a wicked heart & cared only about victory. LeBron James I have heard nothing bad about other than he decided to live different places a few times and he looks kind of corny in a suit.
The Portland Trailblazers are the basketball team people I admire like, so they are probably good.
Shaq (?)
From what I understand, the Charlotte Hornets are owned by Michael Jordan, who I can only imagine is very mean to them for not being as good at basketball as he is. He probably tells them stuff like "do a better job" even though that isn't a useful note. As they are all basketball players who grew up in the 90s, working for Michael Jordan is probably like if you worked for Captain Benjamin Sisko & he was always ordering you to clean his desk while he went to make treaties w/the Ferengi and whatnot.
Here is the team, evaluated according to their names & what I think their vibe is:
MALACHI RICHARDSON
This dude has a name like a suburban vampire. Very frightening to imagine him out on the court, thinking about how to suck blood from more of his wife Brenda's friends.
ANDREW ANDREWS
I am sure all the jokes about this poor man's name have been made by real deal sportswriters, so what I am here to say today is, I'm sorry Andrew, I'm sorry this world is so cruel.
NICOLAS BATUM
This dude seems regular, I would probably have an okay time on a date with him until I admitted I wasn't a pretty lady in disguise.
MARCO BELINELLI
Mama Mia! Does he realize there’s no delicious sausage inside these basketballs? Does he think the net on the hoop is spaghetti??? The joke here is I don’t respect people from Europe!!!!
PERRY ELLIS
This guy is 23 but he looks like he is 45 and very tired. I hope he finally gets to go to bed this season.
TREVEON GRAHAM
Treveon’s job is he is the shooting guard, which I imagine means when someone is about to dunk he fights whoever tries to stop them with the maximum amount of force allowed by the NBA
AARON HARRISON
This dude has a boring name and in his Wikipedia picture looks like he has recently been betrayed.
SPENCER HAWES
This guy looks like he calls other guys "brother" a lot in a way that he thinks makes him sound like a warrior poet but actually makes him sound like he has a tribal tattoo somewhere on your body & as soon as you hear it you're looking him up & down tryna find it. But ultimately he is from Seattle so I think he is good.
ROY HIBBERT
When I saw his name I really hoped he would bear some superficial resemblance to Dr. Hibbert from the Simpsons, but instead I got this pic, and based on the info present here I can only assume he talks like a pirate & thinks of championship rings as treasure for his chest. Also I guess he used to be a Laker which from what I understand is a big deal team, what a blow it must be to have been demoted to Michael Jordan’s plaything.
FRANK KAMINSKY
Fucking unacceptable that this guy isn’t a grizzled police chief. Maybe he will become one later in life if he doesn’t succumb to Basketball Leg, a disease I made up that many ballers die from.
MICHAEL KIDD-GILCHRIST
While I know nothing about him as a person, from this picture I have concluded I both like and trust Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. Dude loves soda, he’s clearly got a very good attitude, and he probably teaches kids to play basketball when he isn’t busy enjoying his enormous wealth. If these things aren’t true, please never tell me — my heart is fragile!
JEREMY LAMB
This is this guy’s real Wikipedia picture and I feel like he should be allowed to submit a different one. Dude looks like a Monstarr here when he is almost certainly human in real life.
BRIAN ROBERTS
This guy is clearly good at basketball, and his enemy standing behind him can’t even believe it. If I had to guess, he loves basketball so much that it doesn’t even faze him that Michael Jordan is constantly threatening to have sex with his girlfriend, partially because he knows she would never touch Michael Jordan’s gross old dick but mostly just pure b-ball excitement.
RAMON SESSIONS
This dude looks like an action figure and I refuse to believe there is a basketball team called The Cats.
RASHEED SULAIMON
This guy always has something written on the back of his shirt & he gets frustrated as hell when people don’t notice. He would have just bought a heather grey V-neck if he didn’t want a reaction!
MIKE TOBEY
Before he can play the game of basketball, Mike Tobey famously has to mime that he is hacking into a mainframe & won’t go on the court until he shouts “I’m in!”
KEMBA WALKER
This dude seems like a good friend who always brings a positive outlook to whatever he’s doing. A lot of guys on this team seem like good sports with high spirits, which you’d have to be when Michael Jordan shows up to practice drunk screaming “I own all of you! Y’all are gonna come clean my house!” and throwin' eggs at the coach.
MARVIN WILLIAMS
This guy is exactly neutral. Clip art of a basketball player.
CHRISTIAN WOOD
Christian Wood is what the Pope calls his boner. I’m kidding of course, every Pope in history has been castrated in a secret ceremony. Anywho, this guy looks like he’s about to eat a bunch of steaks.
CODY ZELLER
Awwww look at this li’l guy! Doesn’t he know you can’t play b-ball in a suit? He just loves wearing it though, he hasn’t taken it off since his dad’s funeral.
STEVE CLIFFORD
This man is the coach. With no other info but his picture, I feel comfortable saying this man has kicked a baby alligator to death before. He was proud of it too, he texted his wife. They celebrated by eating the only food they both like, tamales with no filling. Just cornmeal, basically, but they call them “plain ‘males.” Their daughter ran away from home and neither of them has noticed yet.
MICHAEL JORDAN
Here he is, the man who used to be God. This is my theory: the Charlotte Hornets, as a team, are an experiment. Perhaps you remember the device in Space Jam by which aliens steal basketball players' talent?? I believe Michael Jordan was inspired by that in forming this team, and that he is getting his players ready to be harvested. They will be left as husks, adult heads on goblinesque bodies. MJ will stroll on to the court, ten feet tall, more muscular than King Kong, and bellow that he is the Charlotte Hornets now.
It is my analysis that when MJ becomes the ultimate sports monster, the Hornets will win every game. I hope you enjoyed this preview!!!
