The 100 Best References in Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”
by Damon Agnos, Mark Macyk, Ryne Prinz, Katie Heindl, Chris Alarie, Micah Wimmer, Lena Ryan, Alex Siquig, Spike Friedman
The television was invented in 1927. Ranking its 100 best episodes is an impressive undertaking, no doubt. But there is a more difficult task. The television has been around for less than 100 years. The fire, on the other hand, has been burning since the world’s been turning. Video killed the radio star. Fire kills an estimated 2,570 civilians each year. Fire is indiscriminate, killing radio stars and radio wannabes alike.
We here at The Shocker have our priorities. We can’t go a single editorial meeting without devolving into chaos. Someone will say, “Picking only 100 is impossible.” Then someone will say, “Impossible is nothing. Obey your thirst.” Finally, we grabbed a Sprite and got to work. We did this scientifically, trust us. Then we fought. Broke up. Kissed. Made up. The results are inarguable. The list is an absolute good. The list is life. The list revealed our generation gap and divided tastes. Damon Agnos (who is old) thought “children of thalidomide” was in bad taste but the millennials think thalidomide rules. Some thought the Bay of Pigs was an American embarrassment, others think a Bay of Pigs sounds hilarious (oinking noises). Nevertheless, we persisted.
It’s true, we didn’t start the fire (who did? Read the list to find out). We also didn’t start this debate. But we will end it once and for all.
Honorable Mentions (because keeping the list to a round number is an essential part of any ranking endeavor): Harry Truman, North Korea, South Korea, Malenkov, Prokofiev, Rockefeller, Campanella, Toscanini, Dacron, Liston beats Patterson, Ben Hur, Davy Crockett, Brando, Ho Chi Minh, Richard Nixon back again, Joe McCarthy, The Catcher in the Rye, Homeless vets, AIDS, Crack, Rock and roller, Cola Wars.
100. Joe DiMaggio
Italian-American baseball player famous for his marriage to Marilyn Monroe (who is also referenced in this song) and his unbreakable 56-game hit streak. DJ Pauly D frequently works sample of Joel singing DiMaggio’s name into his live sets.
Who stole Joe DiMaggio’s Heart?
Marilyn Monroe. Their marriage ended in divorce, but DiMaggio had a dozen roses sent to Monroe’s grave three times a week for 20 years. He died convinced JFK, also referenced in this song, had killed her.
What day of DiMaggio’s hit streak was most iconic?
Day 38.
99. Doris Day
President Hoover’s greatest failing according to some historians. In February 1932, Hoover issued a national decree proclaiming Labor Day should henceforth be known as Doris Day, in commemoration and honor of the efforts of everyone’s favorite acerbic, chain smoking governess, Doris.
This snafu precipitated the Bonus Army crisis, during which Hoover hurt his own cause by incorrectly assuming a “bonus army” was an army you unlock by achieving a certain score in the Great Depression.
98. Red China
As opposed to white china, a.k.a. porcelain.
97. South Pacific
The Pacific Ocean is the largest body of water in the world, like just an absolute shit ton of water, gallons upon gallons of it. There’s reefs and stuff too — lots of animals and fish down there. This thing is so deep that we probably don’t even know what all of the stuff down there is, and honestly, I’m not sure God ever intended for us to find out. I believe deep in my soul that bad luck awaits the arrogant oceanographer who laughs at the divine plan so blatantly. I don’t know why Joel chose to focus on the Southern Pacific, but hey, shout out to southwestern Chile.
96. Johnnie Ray
One guy you don’t wanna be caught dead in an illegal street race with!
95. Eisenhower
Recognized as America’s first Stalinist president. Dwight Eisenhower (or “Ike” for his middle name, Eichenwald) is known for his time as Supreme Allied Commander of allied forces in World War II, and as the long-suffering straight man in his comedy duo alongside the problematic General “Patton” Oswalt.
Later in life, Eisenhower put his stamp on the Presidency through his policy of having lots of heart attacks while the Dulles brothers and United Fruit Company divided up the world.
94. Khrushchev/Cruise chef
Joel scholars (aka Joelists aka Billy GOATs aka BJ enthusiasts) still hotly debate the meaning of this lyric. Roughly half believe it is a reference to Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev. The other half believe it is from an alternate version of Joel’s hit song “Piano Man.” In this version, Joel sings as the titular character, a sort of centaur who is half-man and half-piano and performs on a Carnival Cruise ship, singing to lonely men who dream of meeting Kathy Lee Gifford. In this alternate Piano Man, the lyric is “Gregorius Fogg is the head cruise chef / Gets me my hams for free.” A few scholars believe Joel is referring to both. “That’s why he’s so good,” they say.
93. Walter Winchell
Aka Donny Donut aka Cary Cruller aka Marvin Maple Bar aka Ollie Old-Fashioned aka Glenn Glazed aka Frank Frosted aka Spiro Sprinkles aka Craddock Cream-Filled aka Chadwick Chocolate
92. “Rock Around the Clock”
A mid-20th century song about the unforgiving toil of being a rock and roll fan. In those days, teens were expected to rock around the clock for as many as 16 hours at a time for very low pay and under extremely dangerous conditions. But songs such as this one raised awareness of their plight and helped build a consensus for the reforms that now allow teenagers the freedom to rock around whatever amount of time they’d like.
91. H-bomb
When you’re in the middle of a big field at sundown watching some majestic horses run by and you scream, “HORSES!”
90. Homicide
This is the first and most important clue about the true meaning behind the song “We Didn’t Start the Fire”. Billy Joel is admitting that he committed a homicide, evidence of which was destroyed by the titular fire. He is telling the truth when he claims that we (the royal we) didn’t start the fire. He had a co-conspirator who helped cover up with a strategic use of arson. Hidden within the song’s many references are clues to the identity of that co-conspirator. Help us at The Shocker unravel the mystery and discover the identity of Billy Joel’s co-conspirator. This is Who Didn’t Start the Fire?
89. Richard Nixon
Unlike Cynthia Nixon who was DEFINITELY a Miranda, Richard Nixon was a fucking criminal and totally a Charlotte.
88. Marilyn Monroe
Marilyn Manson’s mom.
87. Juan Perón
Original brewer of Peroni beer. (Peroni is Italian for, “of or pertaining to Peron.”) Husband of the charismatic Eva “Evita” María Duarte de Perón, who is the subject of several famous works of art, most notably the novel Madame Brewery (Madame Bovary in the original French). Evita went on to found the popular online invitation service Evite.
86. Children of thalidomide
Thousands of babies are born with phocomelia, after their parents took Thalidomide, an immunomodulatory drug. Prescribed to treat morning sickness in pregnant women, the side effects for the children in utero were significant, with substantial limb deformation resulting from exposure to the drug.
What is “children of Thalidomide’s” most iconic moment?
1961, when the drug was finally, mercifully taken off the market in West Germany, where over 5,000 children had been born with significant birth defects over the four years the drug had been sold. For the first two years of its existence, the drug was available over the counter.
Who stole “children of Thalidomide” and why?
Lepers, who were still prescribed the drug as recently as 2010, due to its palliative effects. However, its continued use was controversial, as, despite being heavily controlled, some patients became pregnant while taking the drug, leading to at least 33 cases of children being born with birth defects from Thalidomide in the decades after the connection between the drugs and the defects had been proven.
85. Sally Ride
A throwback to the halcyon days when female astronauts weren’t better known for stalking and attempting to kidnap their ex while wearing a diaper.
84. Studebaker
Studebaker was a brand of car started by the Studebaker family of Indiana. The family had five sons, the Studebaker Brothers, later memorialized in the 1989 hit film The Fabulous Baker Boys. The family sued director Steve Kloves and 20th Century Fox over the scene in which Jax Studebaker manually stimulates his brother Jett in one of the company’s cars. The case was settled for an undisclosed amount.
83. Television
But what is the best television episode of all time? No one knows.
82. Panmunjom
This is the Peace Village in the DMZ. It’s where peace is made.
81. Rosenbergs
Short for Sol Rosenberg’s Glasses.
80. Sugar Ray
Sugar Ray is an American rock band fronted by Mark McGrath, founded in 1986 in Newport Beach, California, which is close to Disneyland, which is also referenced in this song. Although they had not achieved mainstream success yet, Joel was drawn to their innovative nu metal style and McGrath’s chill vibes, and decided to put them in the song. There are also two boxers with this name.
What is Sugar Ray’s Most Iconic Moment?
In 1997, when the song “Fly” reached №1 on the Billboard Hot 100 and Canada’s singles chart.
When did Sugar Ray sell out?
On its 1999 album 14:59, the band’s first studio release since the massive success of “Fly.” Their previous album, Floored, featured a parental advisory (explicit lyrics). 14:59 featured mainstream pop songs like “Every Morning” and “Someday” and barely had any cursing at all.
79. The King and I
A reference to the time Billy Joel met LeBron James.
78. Moonshot
When someone pours a shot down someone’s back and you have to drink it before it disappears into their butt. Or else the absolute ambition of space travel.
77. Vaccine
Known to give kids autism………NOT!
76. England’s got a new queen
Fact check: I don’t think so, buddy.
75. Marciano
Like the cherry.
74. Liberace
Pianist whose fans are known as “Libs.” You can own them by wearing a diaper or lying in a dumpster.
73. Santayana goodbye
Spanish-born American philosopher George Santayana was known for coining many popular aphorisms. Among them: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it,” “America is a young country with an old mentality,” and “Pee is stored in the balls.”
In his later years, Santayana’s popularity took a hit from which it would never recover upon the release of his collaborative single, “Smooth” with Rob Thomas.
72. Joseph Stalin
Joseph Stalin is my Dad. He is also recognized as the first furry to attain status as head of state.
71. Nasser
I barely knew her!
70. Communist Bloc
“The Communist Block” would have been a cool nickname for Arvydas Sabonis.
69. Roy Cohn
A secret unlockable character in Street Fighter Alpha 3: The New Class. Cohn becomes available once you’ve cleared the game as Guile. After clearing the game with both characters, the player sees the game’s true ending, in which Cohn and Guile haul Alger Hiss, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, and M. Bison before the House Un-Shotokan Activities Committee.
68. Dien Bien Phu falls
A beautiful but deadly waterfall Billy Joel dare not forget, or visit.
67. Einstein
As in “Einstein Bros. Bagels.” Billy Joel is from Long Island. He loves bagels.
66. James Dean
This is the preferred name of country singer and sausage kingpin Jimmy Dean. He adopted the “Jimmy” nickname early in his career as he felt it better fit the sort of “down home, country boy” persona that his team of advisors (like, way too many advisors) encouraged him to cultivate.
65. Brooklyn’s got a winning team
Billy Joel wrote this as a prediction, after the Brooklyn Nets acquired Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett. He was wrong. Give him a break. He is the piano man, not a sports writer.
64. Pope Paul
Father of YouTube stars Logan and Jake Paul. In the 1990s, Pope gained minor local celebrity status in Westlake, OH for his grating antics on his Public Access show, Pope-a-Dope.
63. Peter Pan
A brand of peanut butter that got recalled a back in 2007 and that I haven’t eaten since. My go to is Jif (pronounced gif) with the honey already added in.
62. Elvis Presley
Elvis Presley may not have meant shit to Chuck D, but he certainly meant much to Billy Joel and most other white youths of his era. Here was a man who sang and shook his hips, unbridled by the societal conventions that would have told him not to, liberating the minds and bodies of so many. Presley was also an inspiration to all those who wrongly think bananas are a tasty fruit. Here’s the thing, though: they’re not. They’re mealy and gross and taste bad. Not even peanut butter and bacon can redeem them.
61. Disneyland
Walt Disney reinvents the idea of an amusement park, with a level of theming and immersion heretofore unseen in the history of American entertainment. With a wide range of lands, transportation options, brand new attractions, and a level of technology and investment that went far beyond the typical boardwalk, Disney redefined the standard for leisure in America. In the process he also created a new forum for brand integration that continues to evolve long after his death.
What is Disneyland’s most iconic moment?
So many to choose from, including the park’s various “mountains” (iconic attractions that take on the appearance of a mountain: Splash Mountain, Space Mountain, the Matterhorn and Big Thunder Mountain) and groundbreaking dark rides (the Haunted Mansion, Indiana Jones, Peter Pan and Star Tours all stand out). However, the truly iconic moment of Disneyland is when you reach the end of Main Street USA, a scale replica of Walt’s hometown, and Sleeping Beauty’s Castle comes into view. It is in this space, at the crossroads of the park, where everything about Disneyland snaps into focus: the impeccable theming, the crowds, the opportunities for gluttony and consumption, and yet too: the magic.
Who stole Disneyland and why?
Though the park opened in 1955, it was not until the Matterhorn Bobsleds, the world’s first tubular steel roller coaster, replaced Holiday Hill that Disneyland established itself as a place for both innovative and thrilling rides. And yet over time the Matterhorn has itself been stolen by Harold, the abominable snowman who haunts its track. Though initially not in the ride at all, now, after a series of plus-ups, Harold is the dominant figure in the Matterhorn, appearing as both an animatronic and a projection, and providing a new dimension of thrills on Disneyland’s most classic thrill ride.
60. Bardot
The central character in Samuel Beckett’s Waiting For Godot 2: Bardot: Waiting for Bardot: A Novel, which is actually a movie.
59. Budapest
When your friend Sid (formally Sidhartha) won’t leave you alone. Usually he wants you to have sex with his wife. He has a cuckold fetish.
58. Alabama
Billy Joel, while not the best prognosticator regarding sports (see entry for “Brooklyn’s got a winning team”), really hit the nail on the head here. In the last decade, the Alabama Crimson Tide, led by Nick Saban, have reasserted themselves as the dominant team in college football, winning five national championships since 2009.
57. Princess Grace
Princess Grace grew up in the 1930s in a beautiful tree-lined home in Philadelphia’s East Falls neighborhood. In 2013, the SPCA sent officer to its home because it was filled with dying cats.
56. Peyton Place
This is another name for hell, a place filled to the brim with Peyton Manning and composites made up of Peyton Manning. So like a demon that looks like a man but just made up of Peyton Manning’s legs; another one made up of his teeth and neck; another one that is about 40 of his foreheads stacked on top of each other to the height of a man — you get the idea.
55. Trouble in the Suez
Little known fact: the Suez was what Joel called the studio apartment he shared with his longtime college girlfriend, Shirley, and this line is a nice break from the geopolitical focus of so much of the song as Joel finally decides to look inward for a second, reflecting on the trouble in his own life. It’s unclear what led to the troubles in Billy and Shirley’s relationship, but some believe that Joel’s refusal to soak the bowls after eating spaghetti — no matter how many times she asked him to — was what led to the final blow up between them. Of course, as we all know, such a petty conflict symbolizes much more than that — in this case, primarily the fact that he neglected her emotional and physical needs.
54. Little Rock
Little Rock is the capital of and the most populous city in the U.S. state of Arkansas. It is also a hilarious idea for a “Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves” remake starring Dwayne Johnson.
53. Pasternak
Pretty sure he wrote Fight Club.
52. Mickey Mantle
Mickey Mantle was one of the biggest baseball stars of his day. For the kids who don’t know him, imagine Mike Trout if he was interested in booze and women instead of the weather.
What is Mickey Mantle’s most outstanding experience at Yankee Stadium?
When he got a blow job under the right field bleachers.
So, is there a Minnie Mantle?
Mantle had many extramarital affairs during his playing career. The press knew, but did not write about them, as was customary at the time.
51. Sputnik
The reason that Stinky Pete was such an asshole in Toy Story 2. At least that was his excuse. It really went much deeper than that, and dude just sucked real bad. Although admittedly not nearly as much as Lotso Huggin’ Bear from Toy Story 3. That bear was the worst, and I hate him so much.
50. Chou En-Lai
Best known in the West for his iconic meeting with Richard Nixon, Chou became China’s first premier following Mao’s death after a tumultuous power struggle with the Gang of Four: Jian Qing, Wang Hongwen, Yao Wenyuan, and John McCain. The Gang later added famous alpha Charles Keating who renamed it The Keating Five. At that point, McCain crashed another plane, famously calling out to his wife by her callsigns “Trollop” and “Cunt.” Maybe one of John McCain’s many plane crashes started the fire (read ahead for the truth).
49. Kerouac
Pretty sure he wrote Fight Club.
48. Bridge on the River Kwai
An iconic film by David Lean, set during World War 2, about a man in love with a bridge — not even a special bridge, just an ordinary bridge.
47. Lebanon
Lebanon is the subject of the 1994 song by the Mountain Goats “Going to Lebanon”. It includes the lyric “I saw you coming down to me, I was underneath you”, which is too cryptic to be a useful clue about who started the stupid fire in question.
46. Charles de Gaulle
A common mispronunciation of Shocker editor Emily Lever’s Twitter handle.
45. California baseball
If it were written today, this lyrics would be “Los Angeles Baseball of California.”
44. Starkweather
This means winter is coming. Get it? “Stark weather.” Like in Game of Thrones? We love shows. Maybe we’re not so different after all.
43. Buddy Holly
Buddy Holly was the first rock star to wear glasses, making rock and roll acceptable for nerds.
What is Buddy Holly’s most iconic moment:
When he died in a plane crash with Richie Valens and the Big Bopper. This incident, known as “The Day the Music Died,” inspired the Don McLean song “American Pie,” which inspired the 1999 teen romp American Pie, which inspired dozens of young boys to have sex with baked goods.
Is “Buddy Holly” the best Weezer song?
No.
Would “Hash Pipe” have been the best Buddy Holly song had he written it?
Maybe.
42. Birth control
Examples: Condoms; “The Pill”; IUD; girl on top; doing it in a swimming pool; holding your breath and saying, “Don’t get pregnant” three times while standing in front of a mirror.
41. Space monkey
The United States, Soviet Union, and France all launched monkeys into space during the 20th Century. The twist? They were sending the monkeys to earth all along.
40. Mafia
39. Hula hoops
Overrated in any song or century.
38. Castro
This refers to Raúl Castro, the First Secretary of the Communist Party of Cuba. He’s 87 years old.
37. Edsel is a no-go
This was an old ass car Ford wanted to slap on the market toward the end of the fabulous 50s and our man and prodigal automoBilly was like “Dooooon’t you fuuuuuuuuuuuuucking dare, you goddamn snake, you dirty rotten sonofabitch, you smelly fool.”
36. U2
“U2” was a controversial single released by famed culture jammers and noise band Negativland. Because of a lawsuit by some dumb Irish band that nobody remembers, the single was pulled off the market and is now extremely rare and valuable.
35. Syngman Rhee
The brother of charter school advocate Michelle Rhee, Syngman upholds the family tradition of advocating for terrible policies by encouraging kids to snitch.
34. Payola
Another clue. BJ is telling you to “follow the money” if you want to unravel the identity of the fire starter (not the guy from Prodigy…or…maybe the guy from Prodigy?).
33. Kennedy
Former MTV VJ who has found a second career as a reactionary political commentator. If you want to make your friends laugh next time her name pops up, say, “Wasn’t she on MTV in the 90s? Get a Loder this clown, amirite?
32. Chubby Checker
a) Full-Figured Sales Associate
b) What they used to call bouncers back when the only club admission criteria was not presently having a boner.
31. Psycho
Remember Tyler Hansbrough aka “Psycho T”? He currently plays in China, which is also referenced in this song. It’s all connected.
30. Belgians in the Congo
A group of reject Frenchmen cutting off people’s hands for rubber. Most iconic moment: Slaughter and atrocities “fucked up even for Europeans.”
29. Hemingway
Fun fact: Had Ernest Hemingway lived to hear “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” he would have considered it overwritten. Okay, not a fun fact! He also wrote Fight Club.
28. Eichmann
A Nazi. Had the first name Adolph. Other Nazis called him “Adolph E.” to distinguish him from their boss, “Adolph H.” Others called him “Little Eichmann” to distinguish him from another Nazi, who they called “Big Eichmann.”
27. Stranger in a Strange Land
The original title of Albert Camus’s famous novel The Stranger. He also considered Beach Boys, Prince of Tides, and War, What Is It Good For?
26. Dylan
A semi-iconic character played by Dave Chappelle in a sketch on Chappelle’s Show. He was an aspiring rapper who believed that he was all five of the greatest rappers of all time. Nevertheless, his own appraisal of his abilities seemed a bit misplaced as when he finally got a chance to enter the studio, he did not appear to spit hot fire, and ended up strangling a less than impressed Wyclef Jean.
25. Berlin
A clear anachronism here as Berlin’s debut record was not released until 1980, nearly two decades after the failed Bay of Pigs Invasion. While never a critical darling, the band from Orange County earned a global number one hit with their 1986 song, “Take My Breath Away.” Also, it won an Academy Award, which seems odd.
24. Bay of Pigs invasion
This is the plot to Animal Farm 2: Waiting for Bardot and Godot
23. Lawrence of Arabia
Another film by David Lean about a boy who falls in love with a bridge. The boy is named Lawrence and the bridge is named Bridge.
22. British Beatlemania
The worst thing to happen prior to American Beatlemania and, later, Billymania.
21. Ole Miss
Pronounced “Old Miss”.
20. John Glenn
He walked on the moon.
What is John Glenn’s most iconic moment?
I don’t know. Who gives a shit?
Was John Glenn the guy in 2001: a Space Odyssey?
Yeah.
19. Malcolm X
Easier to understand if you have seen Malcolms I — IX and Leprechaun 4: In Space.
18. British politician sex
Remember that Black Mirror episode where the prime minister has sex with a pig? TV shows, baby.
17. JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say?
Some Joelists posit that the entire song is just Billy searching for a safe word during a particular intense love-making session with a beautiful history professor. Racking his brain, he yells out, “JFK,” forgetting that he has already mentioned Kennedy once in this song. He then quickly yells, “Blown away” to make it a new reference. When his paramour does not stop, he cries out in desperation, “What else do I have to say?” Since the song continues for another verse, Joelists maintain that Billy’s plea for mercy went unanswered.
16. Foreign debts
Billy owed Paul McCartney a significant amount of money. Paul knows the identity of who started the fire and Billy is paying him hush money.
15. Woodstock
Billy is talking about the original, less good Woodstock. The best Woodstock is Woodstock ’99. The second best Woodstock will be in 2024, which will be the first time you meet your biological son. He will be a big disappointment!
14. Watergate
The reason the pizzagate tastes so good in New York.
13. Heavy metal
Another clue as to the identity of BJ’s mysterious, fire-starting accomplice. It’s somebody who has done some heavy stuff and associated in some way with metal.
12. Punk rock
A genre of music perfected by Billy Joel. For further information, see here.
11. Begin
More like Menachem Stop if you ask me!
10. Reagan
Track 6 on Killer Mike’s 2012 album R.A.P. Music.
9. Palestine
More like Menachem Stop if you ask me!
8. Terror on the airline
A small but not insignificant faction of Billy Joel scholars have suggested this line foresages the events of September 11th, 2001. The inferno upon the towers, according to this group, was to serve as Billy’s fiery magnum opus.
Other crypto-Joelologists disagree, and point as evidence to Billy’s rock solid alibi: that while the terror attacks transpired, Joel himself was trapped in his car, wrapped around the base of Tower 2.
7. Ayatollah’s in Iran
This was a short-lived book pitch that Billy Joel brought to HarperCollins, kind of like a Where’s Waldo? that already gives away the location of the character in question. It was a hard pass.
6. Bernie Goetz
Ok, he started the fire.
5. Russians in Afghanistan
Some scholars consider this an allusion to the Soviet Union’s 1979 invasion. It’s actually a reference to a rejected Rocky and Bullwinkle script that Joel penned, which featured Boris and Natasha attempting to steal the Hindu Kush.
4. Wheel of Fortune
The act of getting into a car with Billy Joel. The high stakes game of Wheel of Fortune consists entirely of convincing Billy not to spin the Wheel of Fortune.
3. Hypodermics on the shore
This refers to the “Syringe Tide,” an environmental disaster in the ’80s, in which medical waste washed up on the beaches of New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut. Joel listed it as a positive event, however.
2. China’s under martial law
This is a reference to Marshall Law, a Chinese-American character from the fighting game Tekken.
1. Suicide
Short for Suicide Squad.
