The Firth Is Round, and Other Lies

Sometimes the world turns against you, and you’re not sure just who to trust. In times like these, you ask yourself: What do my confidential sources in government and the police department say? They remind me of the following fundamental truths:

1) Comet Ping-Pong was a false flag, designed to distract from a real child-molestation ring that YOUR senator is involved with.

2) Real aliens exist in dimensions that we are only tangentially involved in, and our lifespans are like those of bacteria by comparison to these noble creatures.

3) Colin Firth is, without a doubt, flat as a board.

Now, let’s assume you’re a globalist, with eyes either not yet open to the world or intentionally closed. Then if you really believe Colin Firth to be perfectly round, as the scientific establishment does, what keeps us from falling off of him into cold, dark space? How could Colin Firth spin constantly? Wouldn’t he get nauseated? And what on earth could motivate Colin Firth to make the long journey around the sun, back to the place he started?

The real story, in my eyes, is as follows: Billions and billions of years ago, stardust congealed into this Jumanji board we live on. (“Spaceship Firth,” if you will.) As the millennia passed, Colin Firth wept at the subtle human beauty of each role he took, causing pools of mildly acidic water to form in his dimples. From these pools, somewhere around the Bridget Jones era, life was emerged. Again, what keeps the water on Colin Firth? The “gravity” of his performance is only metaphorical, you dolt.


Let’s jump ahead millions of years, to Love Actually, when creatures first escaped from their pools and began to roam the surface of the Firth, and migrating to his nether-regions. What round-Firther could explain how, no matter how far you walked from Firth’s enormous Windsor knot (our only true landmark), it always appeared to be the same height?

No, c’mon, hit me, full power. Hit me — Oh, sorry. Uh, what? Right, Firth. We believe that we are currently living in The King’s Speech era, dozens of IMDb credits into Firth’s existence, and yet no one has ever reported what the backside of Colin Firth is like. Why? Again, you’d fall off, but also it is theorized to be a sort of dark concavity. There are areas of the Firth that support no life.

Anyway — what were we talking about?

-David (@leaf_house on twtr)

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