The Great Smash Mouth/Oakland Brouhaha: A Film By Ken Burns

Many patriots died to deliver this previously unseen transcript from the newest documentary about the brouhaha between Smash Mouth and the Oakland A’s. Please honor their sacrifice by giving the Shocker $47.

“’Twas a normal Friday night. Michelle was in bed, and I had just filled Biden’s bowl and taken him out for the night. That’s when the news came to my door. Smash Mouth was under attack. I dropped what I was doing and immediately made my way west. This was a matter of national security.”

— President Barack Obama, 2016.

2016 had been an uneventful year. Not a thing of note had happened. But then, on the 28th night of October, 2016, a series of letters between widely acclaimed maestro Smash Mouth and alleged baseball squad the Oakland Athletics went viral. It all started when Mr. Smash Mouth wrote this anonymous letter to his good friend, the good Admiral John Shea.

Dearest Smash Mouth,

How are your frosted tips? They remind me so of winter dew finely freezing atop the majestic blades of grass on a dry October day. I am writing to inform you that a Mr. Coco Crisp hath so bravely gone from getting benched by those wretched Athletics of the Oakland Homestead to batting in key runs for the Indians of Cleveland in this fine World Series.

Send regards to the family,

Admiral John Shea

Upon receiving the letter, Mr. Smash Mouth was greatly alarmed, and put his quill to paper with a scathing response.

Good Admiral Shea,

Hey now! My frosted tips are as sharp and beautiful as mother’s kitchen knife slicing off a piece of her deadly rhubarb pie. I appreciate your concern. But, now is not the time to discuss my locks, glorious though they may be. We have a crisis on our hands. The Athletics are a joke! We mustn’t delay! Surely now would be the best time to act; or else, we may as well be taking a brisk jaunt atop the blazing sun. I applaud young C.C. and send him all of my best regards. When these years start coming, they don’t stop coming. And if he bows to these rules, he may hot the ground whilst he runs.

You are an all star, dear Admiral,

S.M.

Unfortunately for Mr. Smash Mouth, Dunston Czexin, the Pony Express carrier who was tasked with delivering this top secret letter, was ambushed by a tribe of Athletic spies and forced to hand it over. Upon reading this scathing review of their tactics, the lowly A’s of Oakland responded.

Dearest Smash Mouth,

We have intercepted your most foul letter and must confess that we regretfully find the contents of it to be most disturbing. How is it that you, the great Smash Mouth, feels the need to insult us so? It is a losing battle dear friend. Enclosed is a photograph displaying our disgust for your cruel words.

Best Wishes,

The Oakland Athletics.

Smash Mouth was bigly perturbed upon receiving this missive, and immediately responded.

Fairest Oakland,

I did not mean to insult you, I just find your tactics to be… dare I say… bullshit at best. With the utmost respect, I kindly ask you to rescind such words before more innocent blood is spilled. There is so much to do, and so much to see. But what would be wrong with taking the back seat for now?

Now, if you will please excuse me, I am writing a song about a mighty green yet nonetheless complicated ogre, and would greatly appreciate to be left in silence. All of this must end. Come on…

Come on,

Smash Mouth

There was no turning back. Many lives were lost, dozens of friendships were ended, and a great divide overtook this once great nation. Those who sided with the maestro were quick to point out his platinum status within the musical community; while those who supported the Athletics pointed out their victorious conquests over Yankees and Giants alike so many moons ago. There was no end in sight.

Mash Smouth,

I purposely switched the first two letters of your name to invoke a great rage within you. I find your futile attempts at relevancy to be most humorous. Why must you worry about us when you haven’t had a hit since The Matrix was the main picture of the cinema? You, sir, are not an all star at all. Your game is not on. Now you must pay.

With the utmost love and respect for you and your frosted tips,

Oakland

The war was getting ugly. With reports of unrest sweeping the nation, and no end in sight, Smash Mouth attempted to turn the tides of the war for the better in this legendary battle of the wits.

Dearest Jokeland,

Did you see what I did there? I took the first syllable of your name and turned it, quite literally, into a joke. What a concept. You would do well not to forget I am a dangerous man. Anyhow, I should not be talking about my team’s lack of hits were I you. We have had more hits this year than you have had since the first Bush presidency. I want you — NAY! I implore you to name but one key addition you made last off season. What are you to do this off-season? A young child once asked me if I could spare him some change for gasoline, and it hit me. ‘What a concept! Can we all not use a little bit of fuel — as well as some change?”

I admire your fans too much to watch them suffer at the hands of pusillanimous ownership and political nonsense. In the words of a very wise man, “Fush Yu, Mang!” I know not what it means, but I beg you to heed these mysterious sounds before further bloodshed becomes inevitable.

Astro Lounge,

S.M.

With that, the war began to die down. Households returned to their prior state, and the nation began began to rebuild itself. But, not without collateral damage. Until a treaty was signed, the lingering effects of the war would run deep within the veins of not just the American psyche, but the world around it. Reform was in order, after many hours of dwelling upon the world’s future. Oakland extended an olive branch to the acclaimed maestro the following afternoon.

Maestro,

With the utmost respect for both you and your craft, I must extend my greatest apologies for letting this brouhaha get away from us. I have nothing but respect for both you and your good hair. I apologize for all of the cruel things I may have said or at least written. The truth is, we were jealous of your timeless acclaim. We cannot visit an opponent’s field without your hit songs blaring over the loud system as the enemy troops take their positions. This is not an excuse, however, and as a sign of good faith, we would like to invite you to not only visit us, but to throw out the first pitch, if you would be so kind. Whence I see your beautiful face, I’m a believer that we can work things out.

Self-Titled Album,

Oakland

And then things changed. The war seemed unimportant and juvenile. The A’s got back to the baseball, and Smash Mouth continued writing his next hit album. Normalcy was restored, but one thing was certain…

(the transcript cut off here)

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