The Shocker Applies its BRANDING IRON to Amy’s Bad Foods
Amy, please have your gross company pay us $200 if you want this article to go away
If you’re reading this, chances are you’re a millennial, most likely clad in slim-fit clothing, and with a smartphone in your hand so often that you cannot properly cook and you eat primarily microwaveable or other heat-and-serve foods. (Nerd.) That said, you’re also likely inclined — through genuine desire or a compulsion to keep up appearances — to seek out foods that are (or readily appear to be) healthy.
This brings us to the topic of Amy’s. You’ve definitely seen this brand’s products if you shop at a store that I’ll call — because I think it’s very funny, goddamn you — Mole Foods, but its reach has eclipsed the vaunted hippie-ass supermarket market and its items can now often be found at corner bodegas and convenience stores everywhere.
This is a travesty. Amy’s frozen meals, prepared soups and other supposed foodstuffs are a pox and poison to this country’s soul. An oozing, secondary-syphilis chancre on the outthrust dick of America. Look at this shit:
The syrup-brown gloop and glop that constitutes a “veggie loaf,” the dehydrated corn kernels and peas that bear the marks of asteroid impacts in the solar system surrounding Star Wormwood (it that blazes), the left-hand corner of the tray occupied by what appears to be improperly rendered cocaine paste but purportedly is a side of mashed potatoes…it is all lies. It is a tray of fucking lies, as so many trays are.
At the core of this organism’s being — and it is an organism, regardless of claims by its lying-fuck owners that it and other Amy’s products are “non-GMO” — is an extraterrestrial force that has roamed the myriad galaxies of the universe for an untold number of eons. (At the Shocker office, our calculators narrowed it down to “at least a bunch of eons.” You’re not dealing with rookies here.)
The alien force that drives Amy’s has consumed and torn apart world after world with its rapacious greed, and moved on from all of them in sanguine triumph, neglecting to wipe stray bits of gore from its space-tuxedo that landed there during its last feeding hours ago, and now it casts its thirst-trap gaze toward the rotating blue-green-brown-chartreuse marble we call Earth.
Need more evidence? OK. Sure. Refer to the header image above. The design choice to use BIG-ASS LETTERS in the alpha and omega positions of a given word, with smaller letters in the middle, has always irked the shit out of me, as seen with “PIZZA” on the packaging of this product. You could chalk my irkedness up to being way too affected by brand aesthetics due to the time I’ve spent working in online advertising, but I will not be thrown off the trail that easily. The Amy’s aesthetic also evokes those parodic motivational posters that were all the rage on Something Awful and other early-/mid-2000s gathering places of the internet. You know what I mean:
Who would want to evoke unfunny proto-memes in their design and branding? Aliens, that’s who. We know full well that aliens love memes and have used various human co-conspirators, like Diplo, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and Britney Jean Spears, to ensure that their infernal vessels of communication permeate the culture at large. Fuck ’em. Aliens are a bunch of pricks.
Amy’s pizza boxes also boast “Daiya Cheeze” as an ingredient, which is clearly alien shit. Daya is a name, Latinx to the best of my knowledge (but don’t quote me on that), prominently seen as a character name from the the rapidly-diminishing-returns Netflix dramedy Orange is the New Black. Daiya, however, is not a word, nor is cheeze. These are runic terms, coded words meant to store extraterrestrial energy. This energy will be unleashed at the time of the Great Invasion. By then, you may have heeded my warnings, but it’ll probably be too late. (Is it too late to say sorry, though?)
Amy’s is a private company, beholden to neither shareholders nor the general public. They could’ve been planning this from the beginning of their tenure as a glop-creating and -distributing entity, in 1988. Or perhaps the aliens approached them at some later date — maybe after 9/11, #NeverForget — informing the Amy’s leadership team of the coming Invasion and sparing their lives if they let the invading creatures use these prepared foods as delivery systems for extraterrestrial embryos. Every word I type about this puts me — and all the other fair, good souls at The Shocker — in greater danger. The blue dog itself, even while it sleeps and remains dreaming, trembles in fear at the thought of the horrors awaiting us all should the plans of these ruthless, feckless creatures come to fruition as planned.
The responsibility of spreading the word about this great evil will ultimately lie with all of you, the dear dozens of readers who’ve made their way here to The Shocker, the world’s greatest website. Eat shit, Upworthy. And you too, InfoWars — we beat you to this scoop. Go back to your ball gag and endless supply of chicken sandwiches, ALEX JONES, YOU MULTI-CHINNED FUCK.
I digress, for which I apologize. You have to understand how harried and nervous I am even discussing this in public. Amy’s and their alien masters could find me at any time and whisk me away as a preliminary subject of their experiments. In any event, I understand what you might ask: But what about this vegetarian spaghetti thing, Liam? Surely that can’t harm us! Shouldn’t the government be fighting these “aliens,” just like we saw in the 1996 documentary film Independence Day? What do you want us to eat, pork rinds? What about all that stuff Jill Stein told us about Monsanto and Harambe? Did George Miller predict the future, and if so, who killed the world? What about Colin Kaepernick’s T-shirt? Why does Corbin Smith keep e-mailing me and asking for money orders and prepaid cellphones? Is he a murderer too?
I can’t answer all of those questions — who could? But I can tell you some things: There’s only one murderer at The Shocker (me), Colin Kaepernick is a bad quarterback who took a brave and principled stand, and Amy’s foods are definitely the delivery system for an alien invasion. You have the information now. It’s on you to learn from it and do what’s right.
Find your elected representative and warn him about the Amy’s/alien conspiracy here.