THE SHOCKER on Shocker, Spider-Man’s Feeblest Scumboy

Get the fuck away from our site name, sir.

wretched

This man is named The Shocker and his clothes are, at best, very bad. His job is that he tries to kill Spider-Man. Now I know what you’re thinking — how can a buffoon in ugly clothes think he is allowed to kill Spider-Man, who is very smart and wears a cool little costume and I DO NOT HAVE AN ANSWER. He looks like there was a contest at the Marvel Comics office to design a new costume for Iron Man and somebody did such a bad job that their design was put in a comic book as punishment. The editor made them put a sign on their desk that said “Here Is The Sorry Fool That Drew a Lingerie Iron Man.” Everyone knows Iron Man is horny, but he doesn’t bring it to work. This bad, horny Iron Man looks like he follows porn stars on twitter and tweets at them and gets very upset when they don’t tweet back.

yuck

Being named The Shocker, I’m sure you’ve already guessed the nature of his powers, which are that he shoots very loud sounds out of his gloves. You know when you hear a very loud sound come from somebody’s special glove, and it’s very shocking to you? He is named after that. He doesn’t even have powers, he just owns loud gloves and a suit made of oven mitts and mid-20th century male sex clothes.

go home, you creep

His real name is Herman Schultz and according to Wikipedia he is divorced, which makes a lot of sense. Imagine being married to this gonad. You’re trying to plan your week and all he can talk about is how loud he made his gloves today. And sure, it was charming when you were dating, but you thought he was going to grow out of it. You used to spend all day talking about your great big plans. You were going to open up a store that sold cupcakes for dogs, and he was going to murder Spider-Man. It was going to be great! But both of those markets are saturated, and you found a good job, a job you like even, at the candle store. Herman keeps saying he’s looking for jobs, but you know he’s just in the garage making his gloves even louder. He made them so loud he couldn’t hear you packing upstairs.

his mouth is prob real sweaty under there and he probably likes it

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Here is how profoundly useless this dude is: some years ago, it was revealed that part of the nature of Spider-Man’s powers is that he is the champion of a cosmic spider totem, and that the spider that bit him was actually trying to give him his powers before it died of radiation poisoning. This is the reason his villains are by and large themed after animals like octopi, rhinos, and goblins — all of these cosmic animal totems are coming into conflict with each other, and their champions have to duke it out. So unless there is some kind of cosmic totem of gloves and lingerie that the Shocker is champion of, dude has legit no business fighting Spider-Man. He’s like a dude who goes on stage at a rally for abortion rights or something and tries to ask the crowd what he should get for dinner.

promotional still from Spider-Man: Homecoming

That he would have the audacity to keep this name for himself when a good website with nice articles has it is an act of selfish cowardice. We here at THE SHOCKER, acting with the grace of the dreaming blue dog, have decided to compile this list of alternate names he can use free of charge:

Sonic Soldier

Deathibel

Audioid

Stereocrush

Monodrone

Sound Pounder

Glovestar

Mister Loud

Ketchup and Mustard Man

The Obvious Swinger

King Fishnets

Clappy

Herman tha Merman

The McDonalds Enforcer

Captain Spanish Flag

The Oven Mitt Kid

Lingeredar

Spermin’ Schultz

The Widow’s Peak Warrior

Cruel Quilt

Rubdown

Flesh Bandit

The Amazing Spider-Man’s Enemy, No, Not That One, No, Not Him Either, Stop Guessing

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