The Shocker Presents Earth’s Only Eligible Bachelor: Corbin Smith

Behold the vast romantic eligibility of one of this site’s founders

Ladies, dating can be a nightmare. Bars are just loud rooms full of strangers making plans to see bands you don't know about, online dating is 90% dudes trying to get you to send them your old underwear so they can smell it, and the guy your parents want to set you up with is just a mannequin they found when they were at the dump.

There's only one right choice to make:

(it’s corbin)

Shocker writer Corbin Smith. Let me present my case:

starting power forward, Hot Dads

Corbin is a very handsome man. He has a symmetrical face with a pretty square jaw, thick brown hair that he is currently wearing long, and when he grows a beard it comes in thick and hearty. I have been present for exactly three conversations that were just girls I knew talking about what a hunk Corbin is, a total of one hour of my life spent listening to people talk up his handsome face and body. In terms of physical fitness, my dude is constantly riding his bike places and playing Sport, so he probably has a lot of stamina. I have never seen his penis but I would imagine it is fairly girthy. I truthfully don’t know how much sex he has had, somewhere between no sex and a huge amount of sex. Either way he would probably learn very quickly how to erotically delight you.


Corbin has good emotions and worked pretty hard to get them. He used to be very mean and once made somebody cry by pointing to their teeth and whispering "rabbit." Now he has gone to therapy over one hundred times and smokes a discrete amount of weed. As a boyfriend he would be very attentive to your emotional needs! If you were sad he would say "My darling lover, how can I fix your emotions?" Then he would take out a jar filled with either uppers or downers depending on your wishes and mood, obtained by stealing his doctor father's prescription pad.

can you even handle this volume of love

Corbin would be an ideal house husband. He has a career of his own, but one that can be done at roughly the same time as baking you pies and cakes. He is a devoted vegetarian, so if you want him to cook meat for you, you're going to have to show him video of the animal you want to eat promising to come to your house and hurt the two of you. This won't be as hard as it sounds, most animals have criminal hearts and the ones that don't usually want desperately enough to give us their meat that they would say anything you asked to get into a human tummy. He isn't terribly clean, so you will have to trick him into cleaning by making him think it is a new kind of basketball called Cleanser's Cup.

here’s to lookin at you babe

Our man Corbs is in it for the long haul. He is just waiting for his parents to fall prey to the poison he puts in their steel cut oats every morning so he can start a family with his fifty million dollar inheritance. Once Trish & Wayne are buried in the backyard, Mr. Biscutball himself will be ready to get your eggs pregs & teach your kids to read and stuff while you're off at the Big Meeting to get The Account. His genes would mix well with anyone's as he comes from hearty peasant stock, a kind of mud that once exposed to the sun becomes unbreakable brick. When your children leave home to become astronauts, Corbin will help you get over empty nest syndrome by taking you on fabulous vacations, all of which he will complain during, but in a way that makes you love him more.

they’re friends but corbin would beat up drake for you if you asked nicely

Absolutely. First of all, while Corbin is a very physically strong man, Drake would absolutely underestimate him. Second, I don't believe Drake is even a particularly good fighter, while I have seen Corbin defeat many opponents in the obscure Pacific Northwestern wrestling form known as Ultraball, in which he uses his own strength to make the other person pin him. If you marry Corbin, don't say "Ultraball" out loud around him or he will start wrestling you immediately. I am honestly very worried that by having published these words Corbin is boarding a flight to New York to come wrestle me. Drake has never dared to play Ultraball, Corbin has. That's what separates the fancy men from the mudborn maniacs. Let a mudborn maniac into your house, ladies, and he'll make it into a home.

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