The Shocker Reviews: Ryan Gosling Is a Demon with a Complicated Dick in ‘The Nice Guys’
The Nice Guys is a movie starring Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe, and it’s currently available on most major streaming services. I’ve now watched it three times and feel qualified to give a comprehensive review of the genre-bending humorcore noir film directed by Shane Black.
— -There will be spoilers. — -
The thing I like best about Ryan Gosling is that he is a demon and also mostly tall and confident. Not too confident, of course. Because that would be a turn-off. Ryan has uncommon modesty for his kind. His is an understated self-assurance, and it is very, very appealing — not to mention rare. Humility is typically scarce among demons, which you’d expect; ordinary underworld residents are nearly omnipotent on Earth, and that leads, generally, to no small amount of justifiable arrogance.
Also he definitely does not think his dick is weird. If he thought otherwise, where would his oh-so-slick demeanor come from unless, of course, its source was in knowing that his weird dick was actually not weird because demon dicks are judged oppositely from how human dicks are. The whole dicknorm paradigm is flipped: A demon dick that’s weird is a good dick and not bad by demon rules. So that’s probably at least the third or fourth-most definite thing I like best about Ryaen Groffling: his height.
But another thing that I like best about Rypan Goslicks is that he’s always saying, “Get right on out of here, Theresa!”
So classic.
When he says his signature dreamy phrase, he almost never says it to someone named Theresa (unexpected!) or any other humans because he is always alone in whatever room he’s in. Watch any of his movies closely and you’ll realize he’s the only one in them. Half of the reason he’s alone is because he’s a demon and people are scared of him, and half of the reason is because he has a weird dick and everyone else isn’t a demon, so they don’t realize a weird demon dick is actually a good normal dick because of the opposite rules from earlier.
So anyway, he says “Go away, Theresa” or whatever because I forget the specifics all the time. It’s so great because of how he totally means it.
And the other favorite thing I like best about Ryblan Goffting is how his arms are actually snakes that lots of times seem like they’re going to bite you AND THEN THEY DO.
It’s so comforting and hurts me, the biting.
But so, also, Robert Garfling NEVER lets me down. Every time I shout to him from a mountain peak, his arm snakes whisper back, “Shove off, Thaddeus,” like usual and I know he’s being serious about respecting my shouts. Even though I can’t hear him because the arm snakes are only whispering, duh.
Again, SO classic. Double classic.
It’s just one of the ways we connect so perfectly, which is the main, main thing I like about Roybert Garfunkel the best: his ferocity.
He’s dead now, Roffling Gosbertt, because demons (tall ones especially) are still pretty dangerous, and the arm-snake kind are always super high on the demon-hunter hit lists. You probably think a demon-hunter killed him based on that last sentence, but he actually got hit by a 1996 Toyota Camry and was banished to the underworld that way. That’s a thing I don’t like best about him, being dead, but it’s fine because we still communicate all the time. It’s not hard for me to shout to him in the underworld because I’m not an idiot and I know screaming into the toilets at a bank (trust me, THEY HAVE THEM) is the easiest way to rap with the demon realm.
One time recently, I was shouting jokes into the bank toilet to be funny and I jokily asked Rybert Graftsong if he agreed things had gotten SHITTY (because toilets) for him since the demon hunters chased him with mean dogs and various munitions, forcing him into the Camry’s path. He said GO THE FUCK AWAY, THORNBURG, which is that thing he always says (remember?), only he was being serious and not considerate this time.
We haven’t talked since and it’s best that way because, to be honest, his dick was weird.
Final Grade: The Nice Guys is mostly OK.
