The Shocker Round Table: the Artists of the Trade Machine Discuss the Philadelphia 76ers

by Chris Alarie, John Wilmes, Katie Heindl, and Damon Agnos

the intersection of fine art and basketball

The NBA trade deadline fast approaches and the potential roster machinations of the Philadelphia 76ers—who were a simmering cauldron of talent and uncertainly even before they added Jimmy Butler—are a prime source of discussion and innuendo. While the Sixers have been a leading franchise in the MBA-ified, analytics obsessed, players-as-assets approach to roster building, we at The Shocker know that basketball is actually more like art (and jazz). Thus, we have gathered the greatest artists of the Trade Machine to offer their assessments of how to best fix the 76ers.

Chris Alarie, the James Ensor of the Trade Machine

man is least himself when he talks in his own person. give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

The first thing that the Sixers need to do isn’t a trade; instead, they must convince Joel Embiid to start wearing his mask again. After that, they should trade every asset they have (Simmons, draft picks, the Liberty Bell, maybe they can steal Gritty from the Flyers and trade him) to bring in as many players as possible, regardless of position, who are either currently wearing masks, have worn them in the past, or would be willing to do so whether or not it was a necessity. Go after Myles Turner, Kyrie Irving, and Russell Westbrook. Convince Rip Hamilton to mount a comeback at age 40. They definitely need to bring back Ilyasova. Obviously not all of this is possible within the salary cap and CBA rules but it is paramount that they field a team of as many masked players as possible. The Philadelphia 76ers have become dreary and dark: a franchise dedicated to the accumulation and occasional development of assets. There is no beauty or life in Philadelphia. Of course, the blame for this lies not with the players but rather with the front office. But it is the responsibility of the players, deserved or not, to cast away the dreariness. And the best — perhaps the only way to do so is by wearing masks, which mean “freshness of color, sumptuous decoration, wild unexpected gestures, very shrill expressions, exquisite turbulence.” A fully masked squad may not finish atop the Eastern Conference but it will live forever in the hearts and dreams of the fans.

John Wilmes, the Adolf Hitler of the Trade Machine

a visual appeal to authority

I think that the Sixers should trade Ben Simmons for a prospect few know about, but who true visionaries of the game have been circling around, like the world’s most capspace-savvy vultures. A pre-teen with an endlessly repeatable shooting motion, Gary Bradley is just 11 years old, but has already shown that he is not a coward because he is good at “Around The World,” a game that children play on driveways. The Philadelphia basketball team has far too much in the ways of intuition, vision, and creativity with Simmons as their playmaker. What they need right now is a dutiful shooter, a soldier, who is uninterested in questioning modern developments in strategy, unfamiliar with stylistic originality, and completely exploitable. Actually, they should waive Simmons, to make a statement about what should be allowed in this sport, and sign Bradley outright, no matter the cost. The great cleansing will be had.

Katie Heindl, the Hieronymus Bosch of the Trade Machine

sixers in the garden

What this team needs is a giant head of a man with legs and out of the gaping, held open mouth come spilling the naked bodies of sinners and on top of the head, like a hat, some more naked sinners dancing on grass. For backcourt advantage they could use a demon owl dressed in the finest blue silks and wearing an old witches cauldron for a hat who sits in a throne devouring man after man after man, like Pockys, and out of those men’s butts fly crows, but who is holding their breath? A pig dressed as a nun? I wouldn’t advise trading Ben Simmons for it, but throw in a fish carriage and a small frog demon handing you a bag of money on your deathbed then maybe we’re talkin’ a successful trade. A lady trying to tell a man “Paw’s off, pal” in a crystal bubble sprouted by a flower driven by another, potential creep of a man? Amir Johnson off the bench, off anything, is much more reliable and frankly less of a liability. Look, on second thought, when your best options in the upcoming trade season are a lobster shell filled with butts with a bear cub and bird on top being carried by some pretty strong guys, the original Angry Bird trying to serve you papers, and a bunch of demons arguing over who gives better directions (and you already have Embiid and Butler), I think you gotta take a look at what you’ve got and just figure it out.

Damon Agnos, the Donald Rumsfeld of the Trade Machine

did rumsfeld himself paint this? no. but as the author of his own life and identity, is he, in some ways, the true artist behind the creation of the painting? also no.

Am I the Donald Rumsfeld of the Trade Machine? Yes. Is this because I ask myself the questions I want to answer, and then answer them? Yes. But was Donald Rumsfeld an artist? There is a dadaist quality to his circumlocution, to the numbing comic layering of knowns and unknowns. There is also a butch Borscht vibe, as if he had one of his arms up his own puppet ass and were doing push-ups with the other, because reporters love that manly stuff. But could Donald Rumsfeld do one-armed push-ups? Yes, reportedly, at one time he could. Can I? At one time I could also. Am I as manly as Donald Rumsfeld? You’d have to ask Midge Decter, but probably not. Would I like to get my hands on some of Bryan Colangelo’s collared shirts? Absolutely.