The Shocker’s Comprehensive Guide to Monster Sex
written by Chris Alarie, Emily Lever, Corbin Smith, John Wilmes, Mark Macyk, the Gorton’s Fisherman, Micah Wimmer, Ryland Duncan, and Alex Siquig
You’ve wanted it, you’ve needed it. It’s your all-questions-answered taxonomy of monsters, and how they like to “get down” or, in some cases, “not get down”!! We’re always open to hearing about eyewitness encounters that may change our findings. Have you fucked a monster, and does your experience differ from what’s described? Tell us and we’ll be happy to send a letter to our Corrections department.
VAMPIRES
Vampires are hot. Everyone knows this — we’ve all masturbated to vampires before. But are vampires good at sex? Sex experts know that there is surprisingly little correlation between being hot and being good at sex, and it turns out that vampires are not good at sex. Too selfish. Lots of times they only engage in “the dirty deed” as a means toward “that good blood.” Sick!
And this is all the more reason, if you have a vagina, to not have period sex with a vampire, no matter how much they try to twinkle their opaline eyes at you to hypnotize you into it. With vampires, having period sex and drinking only the blood that’s already left your body is like pulling out: all promises thereof are made with disingenuous, dastardly intentions. Be careful: danger is sexy, but death is the end of all pleasure.
WEREWOLVES
Pliny the Elder writes that, in the Italy of his day, to look a wolf in the eye leaves a man speechless. He claims that this is because wolves are dangerous, but he is misreading the situation. Certainly wolves are dangerous and the speechless reaction he describes is, in part, due to fear. But wolves are not merely frightening, they are also deeply arousing. Wolves are among the sexiest of all creatures: mysterious, lonesome, ferocious, with great hair and teeth. And, as a result, their companion in the monster world, the werewolf, is among the sexiest of all monsters. However, unlike the aforementioned vampires, their sexiness is not manifested as simple attractiveness marred by vanity. Instead, the danger and mystery of the wolf combines with the tenderness of the human to make for an exciting, if somewhat terrifying, lover. Half wolf, half human, all animal lust, always walking the line between pure animalistic desire and the human need for connection. To make love to a werewolf is an exhilarating, unforgettable experience.
GHOSTS
You’re lonely and you’re walking out along Dead Man’s Curve later than you should be. You see a beautiful woman in a poodle skirt or maybe a mysterious and clearly tortured man in a leather jacket. Either way, they will be smoking a cigarette. You bum one. Keep the conversation light. You talk about the weather. You’re usually a little shy, but you ask if they’d like to get milkshakes. Sometime later, you’re back at their house. He or she makes long passionate love to you and it’s good, but they’re disinterested. It’s like they’re hardly even there. They kick you out so soon after. They have work in the morning or something. But you got a cell phone number and in all the excitement you forget the letterman’s jacket that you still wear ironically. You drive back the next morning. An old woman answers the door. The human you had sex with last night died 50 years ago that very night. Check the cemetery, she says. Your jacket is there. Tricked again. But you’re lonely and so you reach out a few nights laters text “U up?” You stare at the message for a while and then hit send. No answer. Two nights later you text again, “Hi.” No response. You’ve been ghosted.
DYBBUKS
I know what you’re thinking: a dybbuk is a mere demon and has no body of its own, so how can it give and receive pleasure? It’s true a dybbuk has no body, but it can possess you. If this sounds appealing to you for some reason, burn cat placenta and scatter it on the ground; you’ll know a dybbuk is in your midst if you see its footprints in the morning. From there, all you have to do is wait for the right moment and stare into its eyes.
Their initial approach will be abrupt, no-nonsense. Dissociated souls don’t just wander aimlessly about, contrary to popular belief: they mean business. They’ll leap out of the armoire or chest of drawers, whatever dybbuk box they’ve chosen to inhabit, and when you touch they will rush into your body like a chill when your front door opens in winter. You body will still feel like your own, but your nerve endings will start tingling of their own accord. You will become a vessel for the dybbuk’s sense-memories and for the sensations they imagined for decades but could not feel for lack of a body. The lamps in your house will start flickering as your pleasure mounts until finally in one furious moment every door in the building will slam at once. You will gasp in another person’s voice and then collapse, like the recipient of an exorcism.
You will no doubt at this point be in the dybbuk’s thrall. Soon you’ll be crawling back to its dybbuk box, but it will be gone, leaving behind only a quickly closing hole in your big toe.
GOLEMS
A golem is a humanoid figure molded from clay and brought to life by carving the name of God onto its forehead. There’s usually a reason a golem is brought to life, whether it’s to do some construction work or to save the Jews of Prague, but they never seem to stick to the plan and it is hubris to expect otherwise. Though a golem is theoretically bound to the person who created and animated them, they are not automata: they are sentient enough to develop free will, and inevitably that’s what they do, wandering off course and often getting involved with a comely human. That human could be you.
Don’t worry about the consequences of this involvement. If humans have enough hubris to create a living being and try to mold it to their will, a tryst is not going to be the straw that brings retribution crashing down.
So go ahead and get down and dirty with your new face-tattooed friend. They have agency, but they’re great at taking direction. But this is a double-edged sword: golems are extremely literal. Your golem paramour will do to you exactly what you ask of them, so be careful how you phrase it. Please, I beg of you, do not ask a golem to eat your ass.
CENTAURS
Centaurs are good at sex. Holy shit. Like, I don’t know. It’s too personal. But let’s just say…they…get…the…job…done. I guess the only thing that might complicate things is that a centaur is pretty much half-horse and thus you are in many ways having sex with a horse, mostly in the literal way. So that’s kind of weird, but what isn’t in this economy?
MINOTAURS
Choosing to bone down with a minotaur comes with built-in problems. For one thing, you have to have sex in a labyrinth. For some people, this is no big deal. Maybe you are the type of person who usually has sex in a labyrinth and when the Minotaur takes you back to his place (the labyrinth) you are like, “Oh, I especially love to get all fucky in these twisty-turny little death mazes, this is definitely where I am the horniest.” If this is the case, Minotaurs tend to be gentle but excitable lovers who perhaps too often stare into your eyes and look for stray hair to clumsily brush back into place and if you moan or groan a certain way they stop everything and say, “Are you okay? Did that hurt?” which is sweet, but off-putting because you now know you can’t really ever let your guard down, because a Minotaur certainly will not let his down.
FRANKENSTEIN
Frankenstein is a special guy made out of other guys who died. He has a lot of muscles and he loves to show them to his wife, Gloria Frankenstein. He has three penises but he experiences no sexual arousal. For Gloria’s sake he puts metal rods in them and goes through the motions of sex. So she will still feel desirable, after she orgasms he shouts “I did that too!” and spits in her mouth.
MUMMIES
If you were to ask the average person on the street, “Do you think mummies are good at sex?” they would likely walk away with a confused look on their face, eager to text their friend about the strange encounter they just had. However, if you did manage to ask this question to a properly inquisitive and ponderous soul, they would likely have to come up with an answer on the spot as the sexual prowess of mummies is not an oft-considered topic — even amongst those who are likely to ruminate on the sexual prowess of other supernatural and monstrous beings. While the sexuality of the incubus is inherent, and that of the vampire implicit, mummies do not prompt immediate thoughts of boning — whether romantic and sensual or tawdry and disgusting. Yet for those of you who are curious, I’m here to give you the unvarnished scoop: mummies love to plow, but they are inconsiderate and unskilled lovers who make lots of innuendos about being “all wrapped up” just in the hopes that their partner will misunderstand and assume they are wearing a condom when they most certainly are not. It’s unclear how many persons have been impregnated, or given STIs under false pretenses, by mummified partners they believed were using protection, but it has to be at least seven, and it could be as many as nineteen. Furthermore, most mummies make for dispassionate partners as they are unwilling to take off their bandages. While they do have a pretty valid reason for this disinclination, it nevertheless is a barrier to further bonding and makes them seem even more aloof than their lack of verbal capabilities already does. Despite having millennia to work on their sexual skills, it is clear that has not been a priority.
DRAGONS
Dragons’ horns are actually their primary sex organs. This is why when poachers chop them off to sell them to medicinal practitioners, they get upset. It is as though you have castrated them. These horns seem sharp and dangerous, but when heated up (metaphorically and also literally), they are extraordinarily sensitive and pliable appendages capable of finding all of the most arcane crevices of a human body, often at the same time. The only problem is that if the moment is interrupted or the dragon’s mellow is somehow harshed, the horns revert to their original form. Dragons’ body cavities evolved to withstand this kind of metamorphosis; humans’ have not. This is where the idiomatic expression “getting caught bent over a pile of treasure with a dragon’s horn up your ass” comes from.
POCKET MONSTERS:
There is extensive literature and diagramming detailing the sexual lives of Pokemon, both with humans and with other Pokemon, and so I do not feel terribly impressed on to describe, in specifics, the nature of their sexual lives. But, suffice to say, they are extraordinarily intelligent, they take orders well, and their special abilities, including electric, water, ice and psychic abilities, make them wonderful lovers, with each other and with a human or human couples willing to invite their pocket friends into a “Situation.” We support them, and the Pokemon who participate. Love is not a species.
SUCCUBI/INCUBI
Succubi and incubi are said to be, well, sex monsters. The one thing most people think they know about them is that they’re demons who fuck everything that moves…or doesn’t move, because they’re sleeping.
There’s a lot of misinformation floating around, so here are the facts. Succubi and incubi, believed to be female and male respectively, are really just different forms of the same demons who are sexless and of every gender at once. They just assume the form corresponding to the desires of the human they’re shtupping. They will appear in the night sitting on top of you, sexily, and then fuck you in a distant but mind-blowing skillful way with an ice-cold penis or vagina, or both, or a demonic appendage, until they are dripping with bone-chilling bodily fluids.
Some have said succubi and incubi are actually just the imaginings of horny people with sleep paralysis. But they can also come to you when you’re not asleep. Anytime, any place (Janet Jackson voice) that you’re lying down and feeling randy, they can appear to you and rock you like an icy hurricane. So be vigilant or prepare to get sat on.
ZOMBIES
C’mon, don’t fuck any zombies. That’s super gross!
REPUBLICANS
Oh damn. You weren’t ready for this one, I’ll bet. That’s right, baby, the ruling party in the damn United States — divided States, if you ask me, but enough of that for today — I gotta say, they are a bunch of dang monsters, like Godzilla, or Frankenstein, or a mommy of some sort! Some people say they have sex a lot like you and me, but I don’t know if you’re seeing this tax cut they’re trying to push through the legislature, but you ask me, there’s some MONSTROUS stuff in there that suggests some WILD proclivities, like not using birth control, ever, and other such things, some of which are too explicit to suggest in this space!
Anyway, don’t fuck Paul Ryan, ever.
