The Shocker’s Guide to 2020 Voter Blocs
Win These Voters, Win The Election
By Damon Agnos, Emily Lever, Chris Alarie, Micah Wimmer, Mark Macyk, Alex Siquig, and Andrew Tobolowsky
America’s strange electoral system functions in such a way that prioritizes the votes of specific, idiosyncratic, persuadable voters. Thanks to hyper-partisanship, first-past-the-post elections, the two party system, and unbalanced representation of the Senate and the electoral college, it is highly likely that the near-term political future depends on the voting habits of these swing voters.
A related phenomenon are identifiable groups of voters whose turnout varies from election to election. A key factor in Trump’s 2016 victory was his ability to activate disaffected voters on the right and Hillary’s inability to do the same with voters on the left. These groups will factor into the election outcome as well.
Often it is possible to describe these voters as belonging to specific blocs with readily identifiable characteristics (i.e. the Soccer Moms of the 2000 election, Pepe Racists in 2020, etc.). In an effort to help the voting public here on the eve of the election, we at The Shocker would like to present you with the key voter blocs that will decide the 2020 election:
- Tiger King Tiger Moms
- Moped cousins
- Dave & Busters stakeholders
- Kobe Truthers
- Porno stepmoms
- Brussels Pouts (adults still aggrieved at having been forced in childhood to eat Brussels sprouts)
- Beloved TV dads
- Ryland Duncan stans
- Warriors fans who still believe that trading Monta Ellis for Andrew Bogut was a mistake
- The thirty men who have started at quarterback for the Cleveland Browns since 1999
- Property brothers
- Alex Chilton fans who believe his best work was his 1995 album, A Man Called Destruction
- Those who are disappointed that Sacha Baron Cohen made a sequel to Borat instead of a follow-up to his 2012 movie, The Dictator
- Dennis Kucinich dead-enders
- Buttigieg Bread Boys
- Alt-cucks
- Jörg Haider Blue Dogs
- Roundball Rockers
- Roundball What-the-fuckers
- NBA lottery conspiracy theorists
- Canine editors
- The 3,700 people who gave the 2014 film, The Amazing Spider Man 2, a perfect score on Letterboxd
- Jet-fuel-can’t-melt-steel-beams stepbrothers
- Etsy tankies
- Nextdoor Racists
- Weekend lockup boys
- Theranos priapists
- Haruki Murakami dads
- Prostate apostates
- DSA PTA CPAs
- Horse semen enthusiasts
- Raw dog moms (dog moms who adhere to a raw food diet)
- Spanfeller Herbs
- View Askew message board alumni
- “I’m Actually Really Left on Social Issues I Just Don’t Think the Government Can be Trusted with My Money” Uncles
- Futurist Noir edgelords
- Turtle Lads
- CIA Moms
- Youth Soccer Ultras
- North Dakotan Human Beings
- Progressive Nazis
- Alt-History Showrunners
- Dad Jeans Non Dads
- Size Queens
- Kissing Cousins
- News Bitches
- Tax Doctors
- Mo Speights PUMAs
- Michel Houellebecq chavs
- Pot broads
- True crime dames
- Mitch McConnell Liberals
- Quad City DJ’s fans (fans of the band that gave us the hit “C’mon N’ Ride It,” which served as Alex Rodriguez’s walk-up music in the 1996 season, in which voters wrongly denied him the MVP)
- Wad City DJ’s fans (fans of the group who promise to take their sexual partners to “Wad City,” i.e. to produce a large volume of ejaculate)
- Steel Reserve Sons
- Grindcore Grandmas
- Backwoods Baristas
- Penultimate Boyfriends
- Dishonored Dudes
- Metallica Men
- Bay Area bigots
- Dunc’d On Prime subscribers
- Foreskin restorationists
- The Five People You Meet in Heaven
- Natalie Portman Completists
- Carlists Jr.
- Class reductionists
- Ass reductionists
- Ass-to-mouth golf dads
- Combover dads where it’s getting embarrassing
- Federline exes
- Britney bitches
- The WAP vote
- Aquamen
- Property damage mayors
- Wine cave spelunkers
- Klobuchar Aunts
- Dean scream diaper fetishists
- Bukkake block-watch captains
- Rupi Kaur FWBs
- Goatse GILFs
- Kiwanis cucks
- PTA piss pigs
- Enya Crosfitters
- Sincerity moderates
- Elvis elves
- Gender-reveal-party burn victims
And that’s politics, baby.
