The Tastiest Bachelors of 2018
by Ryland Duncan, Emily Lever, Chris Alarie, Mark Macyk, Leaf House, Alex Siquig
It’s a fact never far from a single man’s mind: until I am married, I am little more than meat, to be consumed at will by any number of super-predator women walking this earth. I don’t know how it works if you’re gay??? It’s probably different. Presented here for your approval is a list of 2018’s yummiest li’l bachelor’s. They wish there were laws about getting gobbled up but unfortunately our society is propped up by the dynamic of families with meager dowries losing their sons while the rich keep theirs.
THE TASTY LIST!
Christian Bale (but only the ___ version)
Cory Booker — tastes like a hunk of very weirdly seasoned pork loin. The idea of eating Cory Booker is easy. Simple. Catch Cory Booker. Take him to a secluded spot. Set up a spit, build an extremely basic fire and just go to town. The end result is a bit greasy, but pairs extremely well with a warm RC Cola salted with the spittle of your most hated enemy.
2 Chainz — famed for putting a fat rabbit on a Craftmatic, he is himself a tasty morsel best enjoyed on a bed that inclines just so. If the logic of “you’re on side of the boss, so you kind of the boss” carries, and Chainz is in the kitchen, surrounded by yams, I propose that 2 Chainz tastes kind of like yams. You might disagree with me, and that’s fine. But while you’re getting mad, he’s getting richer and more flavorful. He drinks syrup with no pancakes, for pete’s! Someone please eat 2 Chainz, before it’s too late.
Mustache Neighbor, from The Simpsons — Ned Flanders is best prepared boiled with no seasonings. Serve without any sauces. No salt or pepper. Only plain. Pairs well with a glass of unflavored ice milk.
Tobey Maguire — He tastes like warm apple pie.
Caillou
Books, just books from your shelf — Not as a symptom of pica but for the pleasure of doing so, books can be an exquisite delicacy. It may take some clever rationalizing to describe books as bachelors, but I have faith in you. As for a wine pairing, it honestly depends on the genre of the book. Interestingly enough, there is an inverse relationship between the reputation of the book and the quality of wine. So some canonical, universally beloved book (Ulysses, To the Lighthouse, or The Novelization of Batman Forever, for example) is best enjoyed with the worst, cheapest rotgut you can find. But a trashy cookbook or salacious economics textbook requires the fanciest, most expensive wine that you can manage. Like wine with fucking diamonds in it, you cheap puke.
Karl-Anthony Towns — The object of sundry cults and messianic sects, Karl-Anthony Towns will bring about the Fifth Aeon of man. With his multi-faceted basketball excellence and mold-breaking talent relative to his size, he represents the culmination of humanity’s age-old struggle to reconcile itself to the Chaos of existence. You may wish to eat him in order to become him and bring about the Fifth Aeon yourself. Or you may wish to eat him in order to prevent the Fifth Aeon and keep humankind in the Fourth, Atheistic Aeon. Either way, you will bear a great responsibility. “Existence is the chariot of Chaos.”
Townes Van Zandt — Eating Townes Van Zandt is a very personal thing, man. Different for everyone. Your buddy Wes ate him one time, in Tulsa, and said he tasted smoky. Like real good barbecue. The old lady you used to run with took a bite in Baton Rogue and said he was sweet, but like, just the perfect amount. Your crazy cousin Aldo claims he’s eaten Townes a few times. Just says it’s essential. You don’t know about all that. You got a chance to eat him one time, at a little cantina in a border town, down near El Paso. There weren’t many people inside. Some just ordered the soup. But you ate Townes Van Zandt. Honestly it hurt a little. You knew very well what you were eating. But you’re glad you ate Townes Van Zandt that day. You’re better for it.
Kenneth Branagh — Tastes like ham. Actually, he might be mostly ham. Pair him with some ham juice. Ham.
Chive Owen
Braun Strowman
The Vlasic Stork — While the Vlasic Stork is a tasty delicacy of a bachelor indeed, be forewarned that there is a bounty on his head. For several generations, he has been kidnapping the children from pickle communities and selling them to humans as food. As such, he has become a singularly reviled figure among pickles, similar to a mythological beast or a demon figure in an ancient religion. The pickles plan to someday capture and devour him, exorcising decades of his raiding in a vast orgy of ecstatic, cathartic violence. If you usurp this retribution by eating him yourself, you may become their new object of hatred. That being said, if you do decide to eat him, we recommend roasting him with a honey mustard glaze and pairing him with a nice, dry riesling.
Bill Laimbeer — Eggs.
Corbin Naismith
Corbin née Smith
Josh Hutcherson
Carlos Flantana
Chester the Cheetah — Chester the Cheetah begs you to kill him and eat him. He is tired from his decades of indentured servitude for a major snack food conglomerate. Years ago, he’d gotten in car accident with the CEO of the Cheeto Corporation. The CEO took him to small claims court and won. But the cartoon feline had no money to pay the executive. In an extremely unusual (and illegal) decision, the judge ordered poor Chester to be the CEO’s butler. That was later negotiated and amended to an agreement to serve as spokesman for the company’s signature. Chester was only supposed to fulfill this role for nine months but, due to his popularity, the company moved to ensure he remain their spokesman in perpetuity. He is tired of participating in America’s rampant consumerism, feels guilty about contributing to the obesity epidemic, and sick to death of working without pay. Murder him, cook him, and devour his flesh. It will be an act of mercy. Pairs well with cheap red wine mixed with Dr. Pepper.
Dr. Phil, but only fried
Aquaman — Weirdly does not taste like fish. He’s more like, I guess, lamb? Pairs well with a vinho verde.
Jack Ma, founder of Alibaba
Seitan Ibrahimovic — a brash, flavorful bachelor. Seitan Ibrahimovic is a critically acclaimed dish that hinges on a sauce wherein the forthright meatiness of Yugoslavian cooking blends with the briny, herbed, wholesome flavors of Sweden. The above-mentioned sauce is used to blanket, envelop, poach, and permeate expectant nubs of seitan. It is delicious.
(note : not to be confused with Sheytan Ibrahimovic, the persona that takes over when Manchester United striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic is possessed by the devil himself)
Pep Guardiola — Pep looks like a velvety, meticulously seasoned snack.
But a snack whose approval I want because I know he brings out the best in people by believing in and supporting them with vigor and passion. A brilliant but emotionally intelligent snack, I tell you.
Eat him tenderly, with reverence, and not before the end of the Champions League, please.
