The Worst Times To Have Diarrhea
Everyone knows diarrhea is bad. Even God knows this, which is why so many boring parts of the Bible are devoted to the detailed and graphic punishments the nomadic desert tribes of the day had devised for the sick individuals who persisted in making diarrhea all over the Holy Land. All the way from antiquity to the modern and post-modern eras (except in the 70s, when it was cool and desirable for a few years), diarrhea has been known as one of the great scourges of history, as well as the unofficial 8th Deadly Sin. But it would be a mistake to think ordinary bland diarrhea-at-home-while-the-kids-are-sleeping is even close to as bad as it can get when we are talking about the Great Sludge or the Watery Grave of Butt Vengeance. No folks, if you’ve made it this far in life then you know it can always get much, much worse.
Thanks to a combination of Bible Study and an algorithm so advanced it’s been known to kill just for the thrill of it, we here at the Shocker have been able to compile a list of the absolute worst times to fall prey to the Bubonic Shit Flood. Please be advised: Reading this list won’t build character so much as reveal it.
Worst Times To Get the Diarrhea: A List
When you are pulled over by a small town cop for speeding
While battle rapping against an old friend who is now your worst enemy
When you are at war (at your base)
When you are at war (in the heat of battle)
Asking a father for his daughter’s hand in marriage
Showing your children Starship Troopers for the second time
In the swimming pool of a Saudi Prince
A Weezer concert
When you are partitioning the Ottoman Empire and trying to just sort of make up a bunch of new countries but you can’t concentrate because of the diarrhea
When the pitchers and catchers report to spring training and you are either a pitcher or catcher (or both?)
When you see Thandie Newton laughing in the street
When you see Thandie Newton laughing in a tree
While you are juggling knives to impress a local knife salesman who always knows the right thing to say
In the middle of a Juggalo home invasion
When you’ve been decapitated but people are still looking at you
When you’ve been sent back in time to kill Baby Hitler but your diarrhea alerts Martin Bormann and some other Nazis, and they stop you from messing with the timeline
When you are moving a desk
When you are looking at pictures of foxes and wondering if it really would be all that difficult to have one as a pet
When you realize that all living things first fight to live and then die alone
When the light takes you
When you are eating a big potato chip
Right when you are about to finally get adopted by the perfect albeit barren young couple
In the snow, as the wolves close in on you
When you are arm-wrestling Jeff Green
In an Irish pub
During your Valedictorian speech
When you kiss Bernie Sanders on top of his head
In Hell
At a Quinceañera that really could have been better attended
When you are reading poetry in a cave to your crush who hates caves and poetry man what the hell are you doing in a fucking cave
With like a mouthful of ghost peppers
When you have one leg
When you get Lisa Ann’s autograph
During your dream vacation aboard the Trans-Siberian Railway
Diarrhea. Gross word, too.
