TEAM DREAMS 2017–18: The Goddamn losangelelakers man…that goddamn sports team I’ve gotta preview

I’ve gotta hand it to the goddamn losangelelakers. Lakers is back and they’re Good Again. Not the on-court product, though. Their team fuckin stinks. Brandoningram? Juliusrandle? Are you serious with this shit mitchkupchsck? these non-playing motherfuckers? Rubbish. Absolute garbage.

So bad, in fact, that I’m not even going to consider their merits as a basketball team, because doing so would give me brain cancer and kill me. i do not have healthcare because it is for Nerds and people with living wages in humane and just societies, so we are gonna have to view the Lakers through an entirely different and much more important lens that also won’t give me a gigantic malignant tumor that has the potential to fuck up my hairline

The Lakers are Good again because they are Cool. It pains me greatly to admit this, because I’ve dedicated much of my lifeforce to despising the Lakers. Mutual hatred for the losangelelakers is the basis upon which my only meaningful relationships have been formed. They made me loathe Paugasol, for christssakes. This is a gentle giant whose purity of heart and enlightenment is on the same plane as JesusfromBible, Jerrygarcia and all the other good religious guys, and in the 2010 finals I was willing to call in a hit on him. It is obvious that my mind and soul have been warped by this resentment. But at the same time I’ve also dedicated my life to the pursuit of having a Real Cool Time like IggypopfromStooges in the song Real Cool Time, and as such I’ve gotta give these bastard pigs credit. The Lakers are Insanely Cool.

Now you may be saying to yourself, “But Good Riffs Man, the Lakers are Bad at Sport. They are diarrhea dog shit. Their top draft picks and the deals they’ve made in the last few years have driven me to seek out permanent sterilization in a concerted effort to opt out of continuing the human race. How can they possibly be Cool when they are so Bad at Besketball Sport?”

Though all of these assertions about the Lakers organization being an atrocity worthy of a warcrimes tribunal are very correct, it is important to note that being Good at Basketball often makes you incredibly uncool. Let’s look at the best and most celebrated players of the past ten years in the NBA to demonstrate this absolute truth:

Kevindurant: unironically nicknamed himself the servant, is constantly Mad Online

LeBronjame: did a movie with amyschumer

Dwyanewade: wears clothes like a dickhead

Dwighthoward: Is Dwighthoward

None of these things are cool, despite them being Good at Sport. Thus, the Lakers are actually at a decided advantage when it comes to being Cool, because they have literally no Good players. It may feel counterintuitive, but it’s a scientific fact based on those four random examples I just pulled out of my ass so we are gonna roll with it like Stevewinwood in the song Roll With It

So now that we have established that having a roster bereft of talent is the only Cool team construct, let’s take a look at the individuals whose contributions have returned the Lakers to glory.

Magicjohnson: I guess he did Sports of some shit at one point. Who cares. What’s important is that I was recently listening to an Isleybrother live album and RonaldisleyfromIsleybrother gave him and his wife a shoutout during a performance of Smooth Sailing. Incredibly erotic. He also assumed power in the Lakers org by organizing a hostile takeover with the help of the team president/owners sister. This is a textbook Power Move along the lines of naming your band, album and hit single BAD COMPANY(Bad Co.). Most importantly he’s the greatest tweeter of all time. He clearly understands that all success is achieved by posting your fuckin face off on behalf of Doves failed line of lotion soap

And he knows how to make it funky

Robpelinka: facilitated a deal where the tobacco lobby financed a movie scene where bradpit and catherzetajone smoke cigarettes in outer space after having sex. It goes without saying, but this is one of the coolest combinations of words I have ever seen in my life. He also has tremendous grifter potential in a scenario where he gets all his former clients paid and then bounces. Robbie Deals. We all know that 2017 is the Year of the Grifter, so there’s a good chance he wins Executive of the Year or accidentally becomes Secretary of State for a week.

Luke Walton: this is a man with a resume that is Good as Hell. His father is Billwalton, he grew up hanging around Jerrygarcia and has a Gratefuldead tattoo, he played with Kobe and Kobe actually made the effort to remember his name, he threatened to bring goons to a game to rough up an opponent in his first year as an HC. This is a generationally Cool Motherfucker, and the ladies recognize and honor his Good deeds.

Lavarball: peddle the ass that god gave you, and if yours ain’t a commodity, peddle your sons asses until you are more famous than they are, and then peddle your own ass alongside their asses . The BIGBALLERBRAND Mindset has opened my mind to some insane truths such as:

-Michael Jordan and Kareemabduljabbars have sons and their sons are wack

-you can speak any scenario into existence if you are belligerent enough and have enough cocaine to remain belligerent for extended periods

-no one cares about prodigious classical pianists cuz ain’t nobody wanna hear no piano

-you can impress Magicjohnson by simply remembering the names of your sons and some neighborhood kids and he will be so impressed that he will risk his entire reputation and millions of dollars on you.

I increased my coolness tenfold by just typing these words. Lavar is a revolutionary thinker and hes bringing success back to the losangelelakers. Or not. They might implode or some shit. That’s cool too. There really aren’t any uncool outcomes as long as Lavarball is in the mix.

Alexcaruso: you’re gonna need someone who knows how to cook the books and cover up Pelinka and Lavarballs paper trail. This is one of the only cool applications of accounting and Caruso has got the chops to make it happen. It is also rumored that he owns and lives in GlenndanzigfromDanzigs shitty neglected house in Los Feliz which showcases the fearlessness you’re gonna need to remain Cool under intense scrutiny. I’m all in on Alexcaruso.

There’s gonna be a lot of pressure on these Lakers to be Good at Sports but I’m fairly confident that this particular group of useless basketball players will not be gppd, which means they should stay Cool, like LoureedfromSongs. Here’s some fuckin Loureed Rockrollaminal.

-Good Riffs Man