Top Five Rockers For This New Site You’re Reading, ‘The Rocker’

Hi there and wow I’m thrilled to be writing a list for this new rockin’ site, The Rocker, of my Top Five Rockers. No way you are going to find a more well-researched list than this on as relevant of a website, so don’t bother wading through the assured malarkey found on sites that moonlight as rockin’ i.e. Pitchdork or Rolling Crone.

Less talkin’ more rockin’, am I right? Without further adieu (a.k.a. the rockin’ french lang!), let’s shred!

5. Jimmy Buffett

“Beats me why my beer is such garb! Relax!” — Jimmy Buffett, A Human Shrug

Extremely chill oracle and probably founding member of The Beach Boys, Buffett is a rocker mainly in vibe and spirit who may or may not be dead yet. If dead, wow, do we have a chill ass ghost on our hands somewhere. 
Jimmy Buffett’s music is awful and so is his disgusting beer, Landshark, which tastes like an over-proofed loaf of bread, and I’ve never set foot in one of his Margaritaville chains but okay, those I would likely enjoy. The point is that everyone’s favorite water skiing uncle, Alan Jackson, once posed the question: “What Would Jimmy Buffett Do?” in his ‘It’s 5 O’Clock Somewhere’ remix with said Buffett. And indeed what, exactly? The answer is infinity-fold, as simple as your closest whims (“sleep,” “sea kayak”), and as complex as it being 5 o’clock somewhere, always, including and not limited to infinite space. Buffett, though, still sort of sucks.

4. David Lee Roth’s Face On The Bass Drum In The ‘Panama’ Music Video

Hard to believe it can get more rockin’ than this but bear with me cause there’s still three to go.

3. Phil Rudd’s Lawyer Who Quit

The moment when Phil Rudd’s Lawyer Who Quit knew he had to GTFO

AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd won’t stop threatening to kill people! And not just your playful, jerky-thumb throat-slit gesture out the window of a car at a friend of yours who doesn’t recognize you in the moment, but the more serious gesture of contracting out professional killers. The first time he did it the band was like, “Chill, Phil, and we won’t kick you off our huge upcoming and probably final tour.” Phil was like, “For sure,” while both hands were behind his back and every finger was crossed and then he crossed both his wrists, too. When Rudd hired another hitman to kill someone, Brian Johnson was like, “Let there be substitute drummer!

But the most rockin’ in all of this was not Brian or Phil, Angus nor the always forgotten Malcolm, but attorney Paul Mabey, Phil’s lawyer at the time, who was like, hasta la vista you old coot and why can’t you be nicer to people. Anyway, he was later appointed a judge, likely for showing such rockin’ judgement.

2. Pitbull

Lil’ Chico a.k.a. Mr. 305 was once the prize in a Walmart contest where any American town home to a Walmart could be voted for as the location of a free Pitbull concert. This contest was held on the internet so naturally word spread and votes were strategically cast so that the winning Walmart was in Kodiak, Alaska. Pitbull went, he posed with a grizzly, I don’t believe he ever stopped smiling or took his sunglasses off. And you — fool — wondered how he got the nickname Mr. Worldwide (this isn’t why but what I mean is it certainly helped).

That’s a boom mic up there top left or maybe it’s a wolf waiting to pounce

I know there is instantly some confusion to whether this is rockin’ or punk but hear me out: it’s both.

1. Billy Joel

If you’ve never seen Billy Joel lose his whole shit on stage (not to be confused with the least rockin’ guy of whom we will never speak, Billie Joe) please do yourself an immediate favor:

Billy is rockin’ here, no doubt

Hey, thanks for coming back after that beautiful spectacle. When he knocks over the keyboard as if he were lightly flipping a fluffy flapjack? I have a friend familiar with such old musical relics like the one Billy destroyed that night, they said those things weigh over 80 pounds. But the greatest thing of all is that he never lets his explosion disrupt his song. Never even lets his breath falter or catch from the transformation of hopping around like a rabid weasel.

No Pontifex puts Billy in the corner

Billy also has a standing monthly show at Madison Square Gardens, which James Dolan’s band opens, and so far has only been cancelled because of an ill-timed visit from the previously considered “cool Pope” who therein lost that title immediately. It sells out every month. But you know who has never sold out? Billy Joel.