What You Need to Know Before You Watch the Last Episodes of Game of Thrones
Not caught up on Game of Thrones, but you want to watch the last episode? No worries! This guide will get you caught up so you can enjoy the spell-binding conclusion of this epic saga.
"What is Game of Thrones based on?"
Game of Thrones is based on George RR Martin’s popular Those Crazy Throneboyz On Planet Wildstar series of novels.
"Where/when does Game of Thrones take place?"
Game of Thrones takes place on a planet called Wildstar, ten million years in the future.
"Who are the main characters of Game of Thrones?"
Diane Tuggz - the woman who loves politics and lizards! The rightful queen of Planet Wildstar—in her own mind, at least—Diane has been making a name for herself by hella crucifying guys and teaching her lizards to commit murder. Now that she's graduated from community college, she's ready to be the Queen but there is already one, so there's a lot of problems happening. She has gathered a lot of support because people like her lizards and they feel bad when they see her white hair and assume she is incredibly old and just wants to be queen for, like, a day before she dies.
James Fallon - the King of York and Diane's lover. Everybody used to hate this guy for being adopted, but then he joined Planet Wildstar's all-virgin police force and earned their respect. He got fired from being a policeman because he rawdogged with a homeless lady, so he had to go into the family business of ruling York. Recently he started dating Diane because of their common interest in killing people. But it’s become complicated after a nerd told him he and Diane are each other's uncles.
Tyler LaGuardia - the famous sexual elf of Planet Wildstar, this guy is a fan favorite. Because of a curse that Melissa the Italian Witch placed on him, he can only speak in phrases that he's seen on t-shirts and in an accent that sounds like he's making fun of everybody else's accents. Many fans still fondly remember the scene where he beheads his dad in the shower and ruefully bellows, "Never mess with a Taurus electrician who freaking loves wine and always keeps it 100!"
Sarah LaGuardia - Tyler's sister and the mean Queen of Planet Wildstar. She is constantly either having sex with or accidentally murdering her family members. After getting a traumatic haircut in a religious jail, she has decided to become the nastiest freak possible. Shehired Dr. Frankenstein to be her chief of staff and the Prince of Pirates to be her boyfriend. Her terrible secret is that she's currently in bankruptcy court. To keep people from finding out, she announces from her castle's balcony every morning that the 2002 Kia Optima she's leasing is actually just a loaner from the repair shop while they add more gold to the racecar she usually drives.
Jerry LaGuardia - Tyler and Sarah's brother and the father of all of Sarah's kids. He's famous for chopping off a king's head and winking until the charges against him were lowered to attempted shoplifting. Things went off the rails for him after a kid saw him porking his sister and he punched the kid in the head so hard that the kid became able to see all of history, not understanding that made it so that the little perv would be able to see all the sex Jerry's ever had. Now he's missing a hand and doesn't even like doing incest anymore because he learned morals from Huge Brenda, the lady knight. A popular fan theory states that he and Sarah are actually the same person doing an incredibly grand scale version of the two dates at the same time plot from sitcoms.
Samantha Tunk - James' sister through adoption and Tyler's ex-wife. She spent the first 6 seasons meeting different weird dudes and looking into the camera to say, "Surely THIS guy won't have a weird thing he wants to do to me," tragically unable to hear the studio audience’s thunderous laughter at her catchphrase. Now she's single and totally thrilled about being in charge of her family's mall, Christmasland. She has a friend whose penis was stolen named Li'l Dipshit, and only she can see him.
Maria Tunk - Samantha's little sister, she decided to study abroad on Murder Island after their dad was drowned for tax evasion. She's friends with a lot of weird old dudes and one of them taught her to shapeshift, which she uses for her big hobby (killing). She has a list that she says out loud every night, which she insists is of people she wants to get revenge on and not who she thinks the cutest babes on Planet Wildstar are. She recently figured out that she can have sex by just kind of telling dudes it's time to have sex with her.
"What's happening on Game of Thrones?"
The first half of the final season has mostly focused on the Throneboyz and their struggle against the snobs at North Pole High School and their principal, the Ice Devil. They've been lurking in the shadows for seasons, threatening to make sure Spring Break (which lasts for fifteen years on Planet Wildstar) totally sucks. All the characters, besides Sarah LaGuardia and her pirate boyfriend, have teamed up to defend Christmasland from these rich a-holes. In the most recent episode, all the Throneboyz threw a rager after the mall closed to provoke the Ice Devil into calling the cops, whom (with the help of Melissa the Italian Witch) they got totally high. The Ice Devil threatened to behead Tyler unless they turned down their music. So Maria was forced to inject him with a ton of heroin, which she swears she didn't understand would cause him to experience immediate heart failure.
"What's going to happen next on Game of Thrones?"
Well the Throneboyz are in a real pickle here. They’re going to have to hide the Ice Devil’s corpse from the cops they’re partying with so that Maria doesn’t have to face the penalty for murdering someone with drugs: spending all of spring break at the library. The prevailing fan theory is that they’re going to rig up a "tall suit" for Tyler and paint him blue so he can pretend to be the Ice Devil and lure Sarah over to the North Pole’s annual charity telethon, where he will trick her into admitting, on live TV, that she’s poor now. Of course by this point in the books, Sarah has already had all of her assets, including the Queenship, seized by her debtors, forcing her to team up with the Throneboyz. But it’s not clear how, in just three episodes, they could naturally pivot to this plot point. Plus, in the books, Tyler had already been eaten by a seagull, with most of the stuff he’s been up to being done, instead, by Li’l Dipshit (whom everyone can see in the books). Showrunner Will.i.am has promised thatthe conclusion will be sure to please and thrill fans and that all of the characters will either become rich or get married to each other. Make sure to tune in every Saturday at 12pm on WGN, America’s Superstation, to see how it all ends.
