Which Biblical Figure Would Be the Best Dunker?
Biblical Scholars over the last few millennia have considered essentially every bit of minutiae there is to consider when it comes to the sacred texts, yet there are still blind spots in the works of these thinkers. While Walter Brueggemann has written many volumes examining the theology of the Hebrew Scriptures, he has yet to address which Biblical figure would be most likely to replicate Vince Carter’s achievements at the 2000 Slam Dunk Contest. Similarly, while the Jesus Seminar attempted to ascertain the historicity of Jesus’ deeds and sayings, they never voted with their colored beads on whether or not Jesus, or his disciples, would be able to perform two handed tomahawk slams a la Dominique Wilkins.
Sadly, these examples speak to a wider myopia in Biblical scholarship. In spite of the innumerable volumes trying to figure out exactly what the author of Job was trying to communicate in that book’s mystifying final encounter between Job and the Divine, as far as I know, none have written about whether or not Job’s restored health led to his being able to dunk from the free throw line. This is a blind spot I, using my seminary education, hope to rectify. Join me as I consider which Biblical figures would be most likely to blow our minds with their dunking prowess.
SAMSON
Samson was renowned for his strength, which was contingent upon his long flowing locks not being trimmed. One wonders how he dealt with the split ends sure to arise in the arid desert, but I digress. It’s easy to imagine that Samson would be a powerful dunker, a la Shawn Kemp, yet one must wonder if Samson — he who slaughtered an entire Philistine army using no more than the jawbone of an ass — would be able to find the grace or skill to truly stand apart. Most likely, Samson would be a great in game dunker, slamming the Philistines on the court as he did in the battlefield, but would be relatively unimpressive in an exhibition setting — much like Andre Drummond in the 2016 Dunk Contest. Regardless, the thought of Samson running down the court with one man to beat as his glorious mane flows behind him, preparing to treat this defender the way Kemp did Lister, is an undeniably enticing one.
GOLIATH
Look, I get the arguments in Goliath’s favor. Or more accurately, the argument in his favor: he’s very tall. I’m not sold though. Sure, he could dunk reliably, but that doesn’t make him someone you want to watch. It’s hard to imagine him being able to move very well — I mean, the dude got brought down by a child with a slingshot. In my mind, Goliath projects as no more than a taller, more dominant, Bryant Reeves.
THE NEPHILIM
The Nephilim are some of the more mysterious Biblical figures. According to some, these giants were the offspring of fallen angels and human women. Others believe they were the offspring of Seth and/or Cain. Really, no one knows and most just choose to act like the two Biblical references to these creatures don’t exist because they really complicate things. Nevertheless, the Nephilim eventually came to inhabit Canaan when the Israelites went to conquer the land, making them seem like grasshoppers comparatively. Considering my skepticism regarding Goliath’s dunking prowess, perhaps my choice of the Nephilim as superlative dunkers seem odd, but surely among this tribe there were at least a few who combined the size of a Gheorge Muresean with the fleet footwork of a Hakeem Olajuwon. Perhaps the Nephilim, as a tribe, were not the most impressive dunkers, yet among them, I have no doubt that some were among the best of the antediluvian world, if nothing else.
KING SAUL
Saul, Israel’s first King, is claimed to have “stood head and shoulders above everyone else,” so he’s got the height expected of a good dunker, but does he have the requisite athleticism and dexterity? Considering he was the leader of the Israelite Army during his reign, I’m assuming that he was strong and lithe in addition to having height. Saul was a very troubled man though, haunted by paranoia regarding David’s popularity, going so far as to throw a spear at him as he played the harp. This could count against him, making him a reckless dunker, although if Saul could channel this rage into his dunks, then all the better, for many of the best dunkers seem to slam it home with a barely suppressed rage underlying their rise to the rim. While maybe not an obvious choice, King Saul is a great dark horse pick for Best Biblical Dunker.
PAUL THE APOSTLE
St. Paul would not be able to dunk the ball. The apocryphal Acts of Paul and Thecla describes him as “a man of small stature, with a bald head and crooked legs,” along with a unibrow and “somewhat hooked” nose. He is also referred to in other non canonical literature as having a height of three cubits, which would make him four feet, six inches tall. If Paul were somehow able to throw down, even the most pathetic dunk ever would be an accomplishment on par with 5’6” Spud Webb defeating Dominique Wilkins in the 1986 Dunk Contest.
JESUS
Where you land regarding Jesus’ abilities to dunk merely ably or better than anyone else who ever lived really depends on whether or not you have a low or a high Christology. If you accept the traditional Chalcedonian Definition of Christ as “truly God and truly Man” then there are pretty much no limits to what Jesus could do with the rock as he effortlessly glides toward the hoop. Do a 720 windmill dunk? Why not? Transfigure the ball into the head of a Pharisee before slamming it home? Sure, alright. Blow out a bakers dozen worth of cupcakes while mid-flight, making Gerald Green’s iconic dunk seem like child’s play? Undoubtedly.
Of course, if you believe that Jesus was just a human chosen by God for a divine purpose, then there’s still reason to believe he’d be a solid dunker. Being a carpenter would certainly give Jesus a good athletic build, yet a contrarian would have reason to wonder if this work would develop his upper body at the expense of his legs, not giving him the vertical leap necessary to dunk reliably. However, Jesus was also undeniably a charismatic guy, getting fishermen and tax collectors to leave their jobs in order to follow him while drawing large crowds whenever he taught, which is not to be discounted. With that charisma, Jesus would be able to transform what would be a pedestrian dunk in another’s hands into something memorable.
It may not be the same as changing water into wine, but it’s not too far off either.
