Your guide to the very best streaming services
How to navigate all these options?!
With the launch of Disney Plus on Tuesday, the already crowded field of streaming services grows even more crowded. As a viewer and consumer, what should you do?
For some, the choice will be easy. Got kids? Disney Plus is the way to go. Want to watch The Sopranos over and over? Better subscribe to HBO Max. $10,000 Pyramid got you by the balls? Time to write a check to the Game Show Network Streaming Network (GSNSN).
For many consumers, however, the answer might not be so clear. For example, I love me some Handmaid’s Tale (thanks Hulu!), but it’s Survivor I can’t live without (shout out to CBS). I’m also a Seinfeld fanatic. What the heck am I supposed to do?
I did some research and created this handy guide to inform readers. Good luck, and remember, you can always uncut the cord (via Comcast).
NETFLIX ($12.99/month)
Netflix is currently the head honcho of streaming. It’s a juggernaut, a behemoth, and you know what? That makes sense because it’s fucking awesome. You can watch The Office on Netflix and some other shows, too. Dwight Schrute is hilarious. Jim Halpert is a gas. Michael Scott makes me laugh. Pam Beesly? I honestly enjoy that character. Toby Flenderson? Sucks. Vital to the show? Absolutely. Angela doesn’t get enough credit. Kevin is a hoot; we all know that. And Creed! Oh man, Creed.
Netflix is also where you can watch Roma (2018, dir. Alfonso Cuarón).
HBO Max ($14.99/month)
Normal people love workplace comedies, preferably ones set at quirky paper companies. And then there are the freaks who’d rather watch dragons spit fire while knights and princesses sword fight. Game of Thrones was popular for awhile, but in the end, HBO Max is expensive, vulgar (many of the shows are rated TV-MA), and most importantly, it doesn’t have The Office. You want The Office. Therefore, you want Netflix.
Apple TV+ ($4.99/month)
Apple TV+ is bananas, man. For five bucks a month, Apple will send you an old video iPod with one episode of television on it. You might get a winner like “Chuckles Bites the Dust” (Mary Tyler Moore), or you might get a dud like “Lou’s Army Reunion” (also Mary Tyler Moore). The good news is you can watch that one episode as much as you want. The bad news is you don’t get a charger, so once the iPod is out of battery, that’s it. Apple TV+ kinda blows.
Hulu ($5.99/month)
Hulu is like Netflix but worse. Everybody knows that.
Disney Plus ($6.99/month)
Okay, nobody saw this one coming. I can hardly believe it myself. Turns out the Disney vault is real, and CEO Michael Igor lost the only key. Ninety-plus years of film reels, television episodes, animated shorts, and other media are currently locked away inside a safe. Shareholders were so mad when they learned the bad news! (Full disclosure: I own two shares of Disney stock.) But fortunately, Michael had a plan: Disney Plus.
Disney Plus is a disruptive, revolutionary open-source p2p file sharing network specializing in all things Disney. Users are free to rip and upload anything from the Disney universe, from films to video games to Hannah Montana mp3s. Simply search for your desired title–e.g. Dumbo–and voila! You can choose whichever Dumbo suits you best. A low-fidelity VHS rip or Dumbo in boring old HD. Yes, you may come down with a computer virus. Yes, you may think you’re downloading The Little Mermaid and get porn instead. Should that deter you? Probably. Will it? Yes, it will.
Peacock (price TBD)
I’m not sure what this is. Sorry.
CBS All-Access ($5.99/month)
CBS is a perennial winner in the ratings wars, and for good reason. With shows like Big Brother, Seal Team, and Young Sheldon, no network has done more to contribute to the golden age of television than CBS. And if you subscribe to CBS All-Access by the end of November, producer Mark Burnett will personally invite you (via e-mail) to a Donald Trump re-election fundraiser. $10,000 gets you in the same room as the president. $100,000 gets you a picture with the man. And for $1,000,000, Burnett will sit you down with President Trump for a two-minute conversation about The Apprentice. An unbelievable opportunity.
Amazon Prime Video ($8.99/month)
My ex-best friend works for Amazon as an engineer. He claims it’s a good place to work—challenging but rewarding. He’s well-paid. He has excellent benefits, a gym membership, and a free Prime subscription. He shows signs of burnout but never complains or takes unnecessary personal days. As a “front office” employee, he seldom if ever interacts with Amazon’s warehouse staff. He’s aware of the massive wealth inequality between a seasonal delivery driver and Amazon’s founder, CEO, and president Jeff Bezos, but chooses not to dwell on it. To do so would be depressing and ultimately pointless. After all, what could he do to change things? He is but a lowly drone. If he were to quit in protest, Amazon would find a replacement for him by the end of the work day.
Last month, I was at his apartment. The weather was lousy, and we were at a a loss for things to do. I suggested we watch some Netflix. He said, “Sounds good to me,” but instead of opening Netflix, he opened Amazon Prime Video. I said, “Whoa, buddy, that’s not Netflix.”
He said, “Same difference.”
I said, “Does Amazon Prime Video have The Office?”
He said, “No, it’s got this show The Man in the High Castle. I’m totally addicted to it. I…”
I said, “I’m gonna have to stop you right there bud. I don’t give A FUCK about The Man in the High Castle. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t want to know. I told you to open Netflix, goddamnit. Now open Netflix!” This went on for another minute before he asked me to leave. “Fine, I’m leaving!” I said, and I slammed the door.
My friend and I don’t speak anymore. In fact, I seldom leave the house at night. After work, I come home, heat up a Hungry-Man frozen dinner, and eat it on the couch while watching Netflix. I enjoy The Office because it’s so relatable and funny. I, too, work at an office. And though my job is as mind-numbing and pointless as, say, Jim’s, I don’t expect to meet a girl at work, or even a friend. I’m fairly sure that part of my life is over. Watching The Office is all I have to look forward to on a daily basis, and lately, the replay value has been slipping. I’ve memorized every punchline, and I can recount the plots in minute detail. I hope another show captures my attention like The Office did–and fast. If you have a recommendation, please pass it along.
Anyway, my ex-best friend seems to like Amazon Prime Video. Maybe you will, too.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the streaming wars have been raging on for years with no end in sight. Chances are you’ve got about ten bucks to spend on a streaming service every month. Do yourself a favor and choose Netflix. If for some reason you’d rather not go with them, close your eyes and point at your computer screen. I’m serious, do it. Now go to that company’s website and sign up for an account. Watch some original content. Welcome to the future.
