LIFEHACK GURU NO MATCH FOR GIANT CHEETAH

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NAIROBI, KENYA — Acclaimed blogger and lifehacking activist Timothy Vandersmack was declared dead Friday morning after being unceremoniously mauled by a giant East African cheetah.

He was 39 years old.

Vandersmack, renowned visionary and lifehacking titan, rose to fame in the early 2010s with his lifehacking classics “How to cook your eggs without sugar” and “8 things every visionary lifehacking titan does every day”.

A pioneer of the form, Vandersmack parlayed his successful blogging career into a lucrative lifehacking lifestyle brand, replete with lifehacking videos, podcasts, newsletters, and his own of strain of bulletproof coffee.

“Lifehacking allows you to spend less time doing what you NEED to do, and more time doing what you LOVE to do — like finding more lifehacks.”

Vandersmack even wrote a textbook on lifehacking, “How to Become A Visionary Lifehacking Titan: Advice from the world’s Number 1 Visionary Lifehacking Titan”.

“Yes, I guess you could say I literally wrote the book on it,” explained Vandersmack in a 2011 interview on his own website, lifesmacker.com.

However, after a decade of perfecting his morning routine and collecting over 10,000 obscure Japanese t-shirt folding techniques, Vandersmack’s repertoire of lifehacks wasn’t enough to save him from the maw of Janice, a four-year old cheetah from the Serengeti plains.

Vandersmack was in the midst of filming an upcoming video series, “19 different ways to escape a cheetah”.

Vandersmack is survived by his pet goldfish, Pedro, and his 578,000 followers on Twitter. Thankfully, they were able to seek consolation in an old Vandersmack classic, “How To Condense The Five Stages of Grief Into Only Two”.

RIP.


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